In The Dark
Six months ago, while cuddled up on the couch watching Animal Planet, I was put on the hot seat after we caught a teaser promo for a special program on Pompeii. My oldest had crossed that threshold where she became aware of Bad Things That Sometimes Happen. Naturally, seeing cities buried in a cataclysmic cloud of fiery volcanic ash raised some questions for this girl of mine.
"Could it happen here? Did the people get away? When the people found the city under the ash, did they save everybody?"
Despite my best attempts to downplay the whole volcano thing, she still sat next to me with her brows furrowed and her arms crossed on her chest, wanting a better answer. By better, I mean she wanted a happy ending.
As the show started up again, they were doing something about leopards, and had a nice little segment on Aztec warriors feeding the hearts of human sacrifices to leopards. Six o'clock in the evening, and I had so much explaining to do.
I knew this was coming, and I've guarded against it as best as I could. We hadn't discussed the war in Iraq with our children, yet when my five year old daughter came home from school asking for toilet paper to send to soldiers, wondering what will happen if we lose the war, I wanted to make her watch "Teletubbies" until she forgot all about it. More than that, I wanted to have the wisdom to explain it to her. I didn't even know how to start.
While other children live with the absence of a relative who is serving in the military, and the constant fear that their loved one may not return, my children didn't even know that there was a war going on.
Hurricane Katrina roared into the Gulf Coast as I sat on a sun-warmed bench, watching my children play at the local park. We strolled home together, enjoying the beautiful weather as thousand of people fled their homes, desperate for shelter.
As the news reported levy breaks and widespread flooding, I followed the situation behind my closed bedroom door, horrified at the growing scenes of agony and heartache pouring out of the region. I made dinner with tears in my eyes, and scoured the Internet for news after the kids had gone to bed. I donated to the Red Cross, but still I kept mum to my children.
I didn't want to discuss the hurricane devastation with my children. I wasn't sure that I could share it in a way that would convey the seriousness of the situation without giving them nightmares. More than that, I didn't want to see fear and worry cloud their innocent faces.
How spoiled I am that I can choose ignorance for my children. How naïve I have been, thinking that I could protect them from the terrible knowledge that bad things happen to good people. Finally, I told my first-grader and kindergartener that there had been a "big storm" that had destroyed many homes and that there were many people who had lost everything.
Immediately, my children wanted to know how we could help. I explained that we had sent money to help, but they weren't satisfied. They offered to share their rooms, their toys and clothes. They wanted to act, to do something. Seeing the concern in their eyes, I realized that they might not understand, any more than I can grasp the magnitude of the disaster wrought by Katrina, but they can empathize. They struggled to find a magic answer that would put things right.
Bedtime brought the opportunity for me to debunk the rumor that zombies are in the neighborhood. I encouraged my daughter to surround her bed with an army of My Little Ponies to serve as bodyguards. My Little Ponies can blind zombies with their rainbow brightness, did you know?
It is difficult to know what information to share with my children. How much can they understand? Is the urge to keep them unaware socially irresponsible? My little girl believes that toy ponies can protect her from zombies, and that a kiss from mom makes a hurt elbow all better. When she offered her bedroom to a child who lost their home, it made me choke up. If only there was a quick solution, a mother's kiss, that could fix this.
For me, there is an overarching sense of guilt. The aftermath of Katrina has opened my eyes to the ramifications of catastrophic loss. I sit in my comfortable home, surrounded by the people I love, while across the country, people are waiting to hear what has become of their families, their homes. I feel ashamed as I prepare to host my daughter's birthday party – how can we make merry while there is so much hurt in the world?
I guess we make it up as we go along. We reassure our children that while bad things happen, it is rare, and promise that we will protect them. We help with relief efforts; we stock up on supplies, and go over our own emergency preparedness plans. Then we cross our fingers, buckle our seatbelts and hold on tight, since we are determined to enjoy the ride.
*A huge thank you to all our members of the armed services, and your brave families - you have our thanks, and you are in our thoughts.
Comments
Beautiful, Jenny. Very well done.
The phrase that pops in mind is one you have shared with me and one I have shared with many friends: "it doesn't matter houw you raise your kids---they're all going to end up in therapy anyway."
Posted by: steph | November 11, 2005 12:55 PM
Very well put. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer and no one knows your kids like you do. They will find out soon enough that life is hard and bad things happen, but whether it is sooner or later, it is never easy.
Posted by: Jazzy | November 11, 2005 6:48 PM
You echo the thoughts of many these days I think.
My 3 1/2 year old is extremely sensitive to the people & world around her. We struggle with how to answer many of her questions, simple truth always seems to work best.
Thank you for posting this Jenny~
Posted by: Nicole | November 11, 2005 9:22 PM
Very well put. You voiced many of the same concerns I have for what I reveal to my own daughter, and she's only 20 months -- hardly an age where she understands what's going. Nevertheless, I do shield her from news stories and images that she might understand more than I think she does.
In a similar vein, allow me to voice something that struck me while reading your words:
Please, please, for the love of God, do NOT let your child watch extended hours of Teletubbies. If not for her sanity, surely for yours! ;o)
Thanks for your words,
K.
Posted by: Chookooloonks | November 11, 2005 10:38 PM
I struggle all the time with this very question. Thank you for writing about it so eloquently.
Posted by: elswhere | November 12, 2005 10:46 AM
I think another problem is that if you shield your child from the real world, they notice and get even more terrified. "This world must be horrible for sure, even mom and dad are afraid!"
So what to do? I think children should know that bad things happen but any further I have no clue.
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