So tell me...Do You Fake It?
Growing in motherhood I have noticed there appears to be a tremendous amount of pressure to keep a good front around other mothers, regardless of what happens to be going on in your life or your heart. The “I’m Fine Syndrome.” You say it over and over. You laugh when you’re expected to laugh. You cry when it is appropriate. You carry on as if nothing is wrong because that is what is expected from a “Good Mom”. The problem with that? We’re not made to pretend everything is okay.
I know that I cannot be the only woman who has these moments when they just want to reach out to another woman—especially other moms-- and say, “Is it sometimes this hard for you too? Do you sometimes want to just cry and not know why? Will you just sit with me and talk openly about real issues? Just this once can we be real with each other?” But, in the real world, very few of us actually do that. We wear the mask that says to the world that things are better than they are. Times come upon us when we need to reach out, but don’t know how anymore because we are so used to saying that everything is fine when it really isn’t fine at all. It is the how we have been trained to respond to each other.
Do you want to know a secret? I am not that way. I am not a Super Mom.
Sometimes I feel like someone is going to catch on to my scam. They are going to expose me for the fraud I am. Someday, someone is going to figure out that I really don't know what I am doing when it comes to being a “Good Mom.” When it is discovered that my motto on childrearing is "Do the best you can with the kids you have and try not to screw them up too much", I am sure I won’t be asked to teach any parenting seminars or write any ground breaking articles on motherhood.
I see other women at soccer games, in PTA, volunteering in the schools and I wonder "Where did they learn how to do this?" Who teaches these women how to be the Super Moms that they are? Do they come from a long line of June Cleaver women who were born wearing pearls, an apron and high heels?
It makes me wonder if I am missing a certain mommy gene that other moms have.
For school parties, I am the mom who volunteers to bring juice rather than come up with some uber-cool craft that will awe and amaze both children and parents alike. Rather than meet over lattes to discuss PTA policy, I would rather meet over cocktails to talk about the latest celebrity gossip and dish about our own lives. If you call me and ask me if I could host a meeting after school for a few moms, rather than be overjoyed that my House Beautiful home will be warm and welcoming, I will panic and hope that no one sprains an ankle on the many Barbies, Hot Wheels and Legos scattered around.
Confession time: I am a fraud. I don't have it all together. Most of my mothering comes from the great philosophy of "faking it". I just want to know something: You moms who appear so together, so June Cleaver-ish, so very PTA and Junior League....where did you learn how to be so motherly....
....or are you just faking it too?
Comments
Darn-tootin' I fake it!
I go in waves: super productive, then super sleepy.
I do personalized treat bags for birthday parties, but I don't do pony rides.
My house is a shambles, despite effort to the contrary. And I can't imagine how "all" the other moms have sparkling homes!
I have a couple friends with whom I can truly open up when things are frustrating me. But for the most part, it is "everything is OK" to the other moms at preschool. And my "gripe moms" are not part of the same school, so there isn't a "direct competition" thing going on.
After all, the other moms are perfect, so I can't let on that I am not. ;-)
Posted by: Kari | November 4, 2005 9:32 PM
We all fake it. Those gorgeous thin, blond, Mercedes SUV driving moms are faking it just like us moms with old used Dodge Caravans filled with junk food containers on the floor. We pretend to feed our kids only organic, but in truth we hit the fast food outlets. We pretend to spend hours on quality time with our kids, but we spend a lot of that time on the net blogging or on the phone bitching to a friend.
We're programed to be perfect moms, better than our own moms were. And it's impossible. We all have breakdowns, meltdown, and crying jags when we realize that it just can't all be done.
Me, I pretend that I can keep up with the rest of my rich suburban neighbors, but I'm living on SSDI and can barely pay for food, never mind utilities. There is no money left over for recreation. My kids are on the free lunch program. Nobody knows and I certainly don't share it with my neighbors, but being poor is shameful for me.
Posted by: margalit | November 5, 2005 12:25 AM
I am a faker. But I don't think that I appear to be perfect or June Cleaver-ish in any way, shape, or form. And still, I'm faking it! I have a special needs child. I can count on one hand how many times someone has asked me how I am, and actually wanted to hear the true answer. Not the fluffy one, the 'I'm fine' one, and I can always see the difference in their faces when they ask.
Posted by: Sonia | November 5, 2005 2:20 AM
I cannot believe that you just outed us, all the faker moms, to the whole entire internet!
I am the mom who says that we can have stuff at my house only on the assumption that I have plenty of notice and (hahahaha) that both of my boys nap well and at the same time so that I can finish cleaning before you get here. Otherwise? Ain't gonna happen.
Posted by: buffi | November 5, 2005 4:31 PM
Yep, you got me I'm a full-time faker. You kinda gotta be and if you're a full time employee.
I'm faking it all the while knowing that everyone sees right thru me, because my son goes to this super-organic, high-touch, senstive and *everything* school. I'm a dead-ringer for faker they can see it in my eyes!!
Posted by: Melissa Brandao | November 13, 2005 9:27 PM
Just ask my sister-in-law - when my first was one month old I was kind of worried about "everything" and I asked her point blank didn't she worry about everything with her first and she said "NO" -- wow, must be nice to be SuperMommy and even fake to close family members.
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