Mothering With My Ears Closed
The following entry has been written for Mommybloggers.com by this week's featured blogger, Mary Tsao.
Earlier this year when my daughter Emily was not yet two and my son Thomas was four months old, I took the two of them to an outing sponsored by my local Mothers Club. I had just gotten the hang of going out with both of them and life had started looking sunny again.
I was chatting with some other moms when I realized that Thomas's crying and squirming indicated he wanted out of the stroller. I stopped to get out my Baby Bjorn, when my friend Anna walked over to me.
"Do you need a hand?" She asked. Anna is an experienced mom of the Super variety. She had organized the event and was there with her three-year-old and her four-year-old.
"Thanks," I said as I peeled off my jacket and slipped on the Baby Bjorn. The thing smelled like stale spit-up and was in desperate need of a washing. Anna handed my son to me and I sighed as I stuffed him into it. "He's happiest when I'm wearing him," I explained.
She shook her head up and down. "I know. I've been there." Her two children were spaced the same as my two--17 months apart. We had already discussed why we had our kids so close together: our own advancing age (mid thirties), the idea that kids close in age grow up close in general, and the reason that mothers only admit to other
mothers they think feel the same.
We wanted to get it over with.
"I hated being pregnant," I told her when she came over to deliver a meal to me after the birth of my second. "I never want to go through that again," she replied, as she blew kisses at my newborn boy. "I've got my girl and my boy; I'm set." "Me, too," I said. At the time we were both certain that neither one of us would be making the other a new mom's dinner again. We were done! Finished!
But here we were four months later and dammit, if it didn't sound as though the woman was having a change of heart...
"I have a lot of friends who are having another one," Anna started. I almost couldn't focus on what she was saying; I hadn't slept a full night since Thomas was born. "Another what? Another Baby?" If the horror wasn't apparent on my face, it certainly showed up in my voice. I interrupted her. "I can barely handle the two I have." I'm not sure how the last statement came out since I was bouncing up and down as I said it. As I chased Emily down the hallway, I shouted over my shoulder, "If what those friends of yours have is contagious, please keep them away from me!"
"Just something to think about," replied Anna as she went off in search of her own kids. And then she hit me with the news. "Three's the new two, you know!"
At the playground later, I pushed Thomas in the baby swing and stared into the distance. I mulled over the conversation I had with Anna and wondered out loud, "Is three really the new two?" Then I looked over at the play structure and saw my firstborn—my girl Emily--climbing up a ladder. I felt a twinge of guilt as I realized that I should be over there spotting her. But with two kids under the age of two, I couldn't be in two places at once and I often had to choose the wheel that was squeaking the loudest. I found myself saying, "In a minute, honey, just let me take care of this other thing," a lot. I felt barely able to handle two kids. How could I ever handle three?
A couple of months after that I read a blog entry written by a mom of three. Her advice to moms of two was to wait until the first two were older before having the third. That way, the first two could be helpers. I liked her advice and I told her so, but after pondering it over a bit more, I realized that she started having kids much earlier than I did, like ten years earlier. If I waited until Emily and Thomas were ten and nine to have another baby, I'd be in my mid forties. Forty five is the year I want to get my sports car, and I'm not positive, but I don't think you can fit a car seat in one of those things.
If I wait until I'm forty five to have my third, I'll be either eggless or too busy punching pedal to metal. Does that mean I should have another baby now? Should I believe Anna when she tells me that everybody's doing it? Am I fool enough to succumb to that kind of peer pressure? And what happens if I have a third, declare my womb closed,
and then find out that four is the new three? Are large families born out of a women's competitive nature and the desire to keep up with the Joneses?
Lest you think I care only about what my friends and neighbors are doing, I should admit that the thought of a third has crossed my mind before I heard it was the new two. For example, the realization that we have two kids--and not three--hit me hard when I was sending out this year's Holiday card. You see, this is the first year our photo
doesn't include a new baby in it. Two years ago Emily was the baby. Last year Thomas was the baby. But this year the photo was of two parents who looked well rested and two toddlers who look silly, but no baby. It almost seemed that something--or somebody--was missing from the photo. Almost.
But even though the photo lacked a newborn, it still looked perfect. Maybe I'm in denial; maybe I know nothing about style or trends; but when I look at our family of four: Mommy, Daddy, Emily, and Thomas, I see a complete picture.
Not that I wouldn't love another one if he/she came along even though we are using three methods of birth control. It definitely would be wild and crazy to have another seven pound swaddled bundle of joy rocking in a swing at my feet, but I'm afraid it would be wild and crazy in a "Kids Gone Wild" and "Mommy's Gone Crazy" kind of way. I have to be honest when I say that this mom has her limits. There's no limit to how many kids I can love with all of my heart, but there is a limit to how many kids I can watch on a playground and there's definitely a limit to how many times I can gain and lose fifty pounds without going completely bonkers.
Unfortunately, there's also a limit to how much peer pressure I can hear before I buckle.
So if you're ever driving around a medium-sized Northern California suburb and you happen to pass a playground, look for me. I'll be the busy mom playing with two small kids, running back and forth between the big slide and the little slide. My hair will be combed and my pants will not have an elastic waist. I will look happy and well rested. You can wave and I'll wave back if I see you, but don't bother to say hi. I won't be able to hear what you're saying.
I'll be wearing ear plugs.
Comments
Amen, sistah.
I'm all for folks having the kids they want, but I also think it's wonderful when people acknowledge and honor the little voice that pipes up with "ya know, this is pretty good right here."
Which is not to say that I don't mug any woman with a new baby so that I can smell its head and tickle it, but I'm good with knowing my limits, too. :)
Posted by: Mir | December 28, 2005 12:59 PM
Yeah, what she said. I've got a six-year-old and a two-year-old, and I can't imagine having another baby (much less having one three years from now, so the six-year-old can be a 'helper'!). Three may be the new two, but the old two is good enough for me.
Posted by: landismom | December 28, 2005 3:43 PM
Sounds to me like you have exactly what you want. Just keep reminding yourself that you are not in high school anymore, so peer pressure doesn't count!! I had a 4-yr-old, a 13 month old, plus a newborn, when a friend of ours had his wife leave him with a 2 month old baby. We took him in.
Trust me, don't let the pressure get to you. The days of three small children in diapers with a four year old also wanting attention are nothing but a blur. I don't think I really got to enjoy my children when they were younger. So, look at it this way, you aren't overextending yourself and there is enough of you for everybody. That's all that's required.
Posted by: Debby | December 28, 2005 5:54 PM
Thanks for the comments! I love it when experienced moms pipe up. And thanks to the Mommybloggers for featuring me -- what a great way to end the year.
Posted by: Mary | December 28, 2005 7:06 PM
I just love the way you write.
Iam a mom of 3 Beautiful children, 17, 15 & 4 ... yes I said 4. Ten years ago if you would of asked me if I was to have a third I would of said no way, but here Iam with 3. he is was very unexpected but also a very blessed gift in my life & I wouldnt change anything that happened to bring him to me.
My older two adore him but its also hard on them and him them being so far apart in age. I do have to say this, being in my 40's now, for some reason it seemed a lot easier back in my 20's.
Posted by: Suz | December 28, 2005 7:15 PM
The most popular post on my blog, measured by search engine hits, is called "Why have a third child?" I love to think about women and men considering the question and going to the Internet to see what experiences/advice other people have about that.
I never thought I'd have three children. In fact, I considered having none, but I started kind of early at age 28 on a whim and every few years I had another. Now I think I'll stop because my brood has far outstripped my ability to care for them. So in one sense having three children made things easier, because I was finally forced to hire regular child care help.
I think I may get ear plugs but not because I need any convincing to stop reproducing. It's just so darn loud in my house with three kids! That may be the worst part about it. Never any peace.
Posted by: Anne | December 28, 2005 8:52 PM
It's not just a limit of how many kids you can watch at a playground. In a few years it'll be your limit of how many hours you have to drive them to school, then back to pick up the kindergartner, then back to pick up the grade-schooler; then take one to baseball practice Monday, one to dance on Tuesday, the third to t-ball on Wednesday, two games on Saturday, etc, etc.
At one time I had two. A boy and a girl. It was perfect. Along came the surprising number three, and life is CRAZY!!!!! Good thing number three is a cute one.
Posted by: noell | December 28, 2005 9:04 PM
Although we thought we might stop at two kids, and my third was an unexpected surprise, I did actually consider a third for one reason: To guarantee me some grandchildren! I can't wait to be a grandma. And I don't want to push my dreams on my children, just in case one is gay and the other becomes a staunch feminist with a career no children in her desired future. So, if there is a reason to have three, it would be to make sure you get some grandbabies out of it. Otherwise, having three is absolute insanity!
Posted by: noell | December 28, 2005 9:22 PM
I'm lucky to have had two perfect babies. I'm in my 60's and they're in their 30's and we're still all talking to each other! I still think of them as my babies, and the only time I use earplugs is when I'm at a noisy concert. Yes, life does go on after they grow up. I enjoy your writing as always, Mary
Posted by: jfh | December 28, 2005 10:57 PM
You've come as close as you could to the "twins" experience, Mary. Funny, when I'm at your house, two babies are a houseful. And I grew up as the oldest of five!
Posted by: Mom | December 29, 2005 7:37 AM
You've come as close as you could to the "twins" experience, Mary. Funny, when I'm at your house, two babies are a houseful. And I grew up as the oldest of five!
Posted by: Mom | December 29, 2005 7:37 AM
I've been blessed. I have a boy and a girl. Life at times is chaotic, but manageable. This fall I found out I'm expecting #3, a total surprise. I feel guilty because we're not 'excited' about having this baby. Of course once it gets here we'll love it more than anything and won't be able to imagine our lives without him/her, but I'll be the first to admit that I'm scared $hitless. I'll be the one on the playground who looks like a bag lady with a crazy look in her eye.
I think we know our own limits. After #2 I felt like I wanted another, maybe not 22 months later, but possibly in the future. At this point in my life I know with every ounce of my being that this baby is the last. I am D-O-N-E!
Posted by: beki | December 29, 2005 10:12 AM
As Mary's twin sister, and a mother of three children, let me tell you that life with three is crazy! Trevor (13), Jessica (11) and Henry (6) take up all of my time. Thank God that Henry is in 1st grade this year! Every night of the week is spent running from one venue to the next. Piano, Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, PTA functions, School Board Meetings! Calgon to the rescue!!
Now I've found myself in a relationship with a man who also has three kids. 14, 11 and 4 years old. Life may be chaotic at times but I wouldn't trade it in for anything. I count my blessings every day that we have healthy and happy children who are old enough now to actually walk to the drugstore and buy my earplugs for me!
Happy New Year, and bring on the pots and pans!
Posted by: Barbie | December 29, 2005 12:41 PM