Anatomically Correct
Tunkie. Bottom. Butt-belly-button. Wee-wee. There are just no good euphemisms for female privates when trying to nonchalantly teach your toddler the appropriate word for her girl-parts.
My seventeen month old daughter’s language development is exploding. She averages at least one new word a day. She has learned the names of animals, foods, and body parts. She points to my eye and proudly utters “eye!� I ask here “Where are Maggie’s fingers?� and she wiggles them with gusto. I can tell she is happy to be an active participant in this whole language thing, which until recently she merely observed. She is pleased as punch to be a part of this new club. You can see it in her eyes when she says something, and I seem to magically understand what she meant. It's priceless.
As a parent, I want Maggie to have a healthy body image. I want her to feel comfortable in her own skin. I have daydreamed about how I will expertly handle discussions about puberty, development and sex. In my mind, I am able to calmly explain to my adolescent daughter how things work, and make suggestions for ways to cope with the general freakiness of pubescent body changes and sexual pressure. I visualize handling this all with aplomb, grace, and most importantly using the precise technical terms. I don’t bat an eye, and certainly don’t give my daughter the impression that her body is anything to be ashamed of. I certainly don’t give her the impression I am the least bit embarrassed.
One word sent all my bravado tumbling down like a flimsy house of cards. During her bath, Maggie discovered her privates, and set forth exploring this new territory with the utmost enthusiasm. I FORCED myself to stammer the correct anatomical noun for her female genitalia and made a very conscious effort to remain matter-of-fact. It’s just another body part, right? Like an arm or a foot. I heard my voice take on a false sing-songy quality. I was talking to a toddler with a limited vocabulary. A toddler who can not yet link words together, and I felt like an idiot. I sat next to the bathtub and cringed at myself. I hoped my husband didn’t hear me stumbling, because if he had, I needed to brace myself for the inevitable impending mockery.
I considered using the term the Home-Visit Nurse used after I had Maggie when she asked if I wanted her to check the healing progress of my third-degree tear. “Would you like me to take a look at your bottom?� she asked.
“Um. No. That’s okay.� I said awkwardly, as I limped and hobbled her towards the door. “I’m sure it’s healing quite nicely, thank you.�
I considered my other options for words to use as a substitute. My nieces used to refer to theirs as “butt bellybuttons�. I will give that one a 4 out of 10. I thought of my my friend’s grandma who used to call it a “tunkie�. When she got her pj’s on her Grandma would tell her “Don’t forget to take off your underpants so your tunkie can breathe!�. I just about fell over laughing when she told me that one. “Wee-wee� sounds too much like a euphemism for boy parts. Nothing seemed to fit. I was stuck using THE WORD.
I ultimately decided to keep trying to utter the correct biological term without shuddering. I hope that if I muddle through the word enough times, it will become a non-event, and I will stop cringing as I say it. Clearly I am not as free from body issues as I had hoped, and clearly this is mommy's issue and not Maggie's. The sweet child had not yet learned to be embarassed by nakedness, and that's a good thing. She has nothing to be ashamed of, and neither should I. And yet.... there it is. THE WORD. I will get through this. I have to. I am suddenly terrified of the prospect of the teenage years. Perhaps when the time comes, I can call in a consultant or coach to help me explain the ins and outs of adolescence and sex. Because clearly, Momma’s gonna have some trouble with THAT one. Oy. Vey.
Comments
Just be sure you mean whatever you tell her when she is a teenager. My mom told me once, "If you ever need birth control you know you can always come to me." So, several years later when that day came I said, "Hey Mom, remember when you said...." and she immediately freaked out and yelled, "YOU BETTER NOT BE F##%$N AROUND!!" I looked at her like she was crazy and said, "No, I was just wondering if you remembered. Geez." Then had to figure out how to get it on my own...and now (20 years later), in about 5 1/2 weeks I am having my own daughter.
Posted by: Tonya | February 1, 2006 11:24 AM
The words just sound awful, don't they? But I'm pretty sure it's because of the cultural baggage. I mean, context-free, "vulva" is a nice word, sounds like velvet and volvo-- one soft and elegant and the other dependable and functional. (and I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that by The Word, you don't mean "vagina," which is incorrect and a pet peeve of mine. :O)) But buckle up baby, because it's not long until you get to say, in your Miss Nancy of Romper Room voice, "I know that it feels nice when we touch our vulvas, but it's just not something we do in front of houseguests."
Posted by: Deana | February 1, 2006 11:52 AM
My parents used the specific terms, and only wanted the earth to open up and swallow them one time, when I walked through the grocery store (I was three) pointing at every male, saying "I know that YOU have a penis just like my Daddy!" I'm using the specific terms with my daughters, and they are comfortable with them. I never thought of them becoming teenagers. Ugh! I was hoping to skip those days.
Posted by: Erin | February 1, 2006 1:34 PM
I thought about the different words for it, and who I remember saying them. Some men say "hooey," but that's kind of lame. I've heard "hoo-hoo" and have occasionally used it with my daughter, but apparently I do not do so often enough, as she has no idea what the heck I'm talking about. She sometimes calls it her "booty," derived from her phrase for cornstarch, "booty powder."
But really, what's wrong with just saying, "Those are your privates"? It worked for me when I was a kid, at least until the Fifth Grade Movie. *shudder*
Posted by: Sleepless Mama | February 1, 2006 3:09 PM
I'm so lame I still don't know the correct word is vulva! Clearly, nobody bothered to tell me much of anything when was growing up.
This is a delicate, err, situation and one that I have avoided so far. I'm waiting to hear what you're going to do and then I'll follow suit. Proceed!
Posted by: Mary | February 1, 2006 5:34 PM
Just be all like, Duuuuuuude! Vulvas rock! It's so awesome that we have one! And when you grow up you'll have a big one like your mom.
8-P
Posted by: badgerbag | February 1, 2006 6:43 PM
We call it a yoni around here. My private parts are not a sheath for someone's sword, kwim?
;)
Posted by: Carrie | February 1, 2006 7:33 PM
Whatever you end up calling it, just remember that one day, when she is a 6th grader in Middle School have to have a crash-course frank talk about sex and the consequences in painful detail, even though she already may know the general idea and the basics. Why would this be? Because in the span of 2 months she may have told you about one 7th grader and another 6th grader in her school who are PREGNANT!Yes, I did have to do this, and, where the 6th graders is supposed to be the case of incest/rape, the 7th graders is NOT. It was not easy, nor was it fun, it was to the point, detailed, and left no room for uncertainty on how things happen. For now she has the bejeezus scared out of her about it, and is grossed out, but that's OK with me.
Posted by: ishouldbeworking | February 3, 2006 10:20 AM
It gets easier. And harder. Like everything else having to do with being a parent. HA!
Posted by: Mir | February 3, 2006 2:41 PM
We still call everything a pee pee (one-stop shopping for two boys and a girl), but I did break down and call it a vagina recently. When she shouted it back to me I was all "SHH, GIRL, YOU WANNA GET ME KILLED?" Or something.
I think the cutest nam I ever heard was from Amber Bamberboo. In their house, it's a "whoopsie."
Posted by: Mindy | February 3, 2006 8:46 PM
Oh, and the first time my daughter pulled on the waistband of my undies and peeked inside, she said, "Yeeeeeeccchhh."
Posted by: Mindy | February 3, 2006 8:48 PM
In our house, it's their "girl bits" but my youngest calls it her "front bottom", in comparison with her "back bottom", I suppose. The most important thing I felt I had to instill with the private part naming was that it be understandable if they ever needed to tell someone about that area. A childhood friend told my mother that her daddy played with her nest and my mom had no idea what she meant. Luckily, my mom talked to her long enough to figure it out but her mother had taught her to call it her nest and her brothers used the term birds.
Posted by: Cori | February 5, 2006 6:39 PM
Karlik4
Posted by: Karlik1 | March 6, 2006 12:27 AM
Pendostanets!
Posted by: Pendostanets | March 12, 2006 5:20 AM
We have two daughters 8 and 5 and we've always called their vagina their "twinkle" I'm not sure how it came about-
did you wash your twinkle??
They both know the correct term, if asked, but our word sounds nicer..
dontcha think?? :)
Posted by: Judy | March 17, 2006 11:10 PM