The following entry was written by Lauren of The Adnostic

One of my favorite sections in McSweeney's is the Songbook collection. Inspired by Nick Hornby some time ago, writers submit stories about specific songs or artists that had a great deal of significance at certain points in their lives. I think it's time I did a bastardized version of my own. For me, right now, it's River by Joni Mitchell.

It's coming on Christmas, they're cutting down trees

Putting up reindeer and singing songs of joy and peace

I wish I had a river I could skate away on....

The other night, while driving down the 101, I saw a house with a decorated tree outside and a window all aglow with the words, "Feliz Navidad." Call me old fashioned, but I still consider September to be way too early for Christmas. Say it with me people - No justice, no peace, and no Christmas before Thanksgiving!

It doesn't snow here and it stays pretty green

Gonna make a lot of money then I'm going to quit this crazy scene

I wish I had a river I could skate away on....

I was walking around Sunset Junction once and I made brief eye contact with a woman walking the opposite direction. Was that Joni Mitchell?, I thought. It couldn't be. There is no way Joni would be walking unaccompanied around a Silverlake street fair in a simple shift dress and a Camelback. Fans would have bombarded her. But man, she really did look like Joni.

I know she still lives in Silverlake. I guess she never quite made it out of town like she had planned.

He tried hard to help me and put me at ease

He loved me so naughty it made me weak in my knees

I wish I had a river I could skate away on....

At one point while he and I were dating, he was in Vegas and I was dropping off a friend at his house after an evening of fine dining and mediocre music, we exchanged the sweetest series of text messages. Him telling me what a great time he was having, me making a few good-natured sarcastic remarks, and ending up telling each other how much we missed the other person. Momiji Man was there for the whole thing.

Me: This is weird. I've never dated a guy who was this openly smitten with me. I want to believe it, but I can't help thinking it's some kind of screwed up mind game.
Momiji: Just enjoy it, and don't fuck it up.
Me: Wow. You should give relationship advice professionally.

I'm so hard to handle, I'm selfish and I'm sad

Now I lost the best baby that I ever had

I wish I had a river I could skate away on....

Here's the thing with being a chronic relationship short termer - You can blame your inability to maintain a serious relationship on the fact that you've been dating a bunch of jerks, but when you finally do date someone nice and worthwhile and that doesn't last very long either you have to start wondering what the hell is wrong with you.
Especially when you notice a pattern of self-sabotage throughout the courtship.

I fucked up, he will not forgive me, and I don't blame him. I keep trying to rationalize it by saying that if I really mattered to him, then what I did would have been of little consequence, but then again why put up with someone else's BS when you don't have to?

Oh I wish I had a river so wide

Teach my feet to fly

I wish I had a river I could skate away on

'Cause I made my baby say goodbye....

Funny how rejection makes you want to get away from everything you know. You crave a vacation, a road trip, anything just to escape, because all those things you are trying to get away from are all the things that make you who you are and that was not good enough for someone you thought was wonderful and important. I cannot change who I am, but I am strong enough to adapt and adjust and make myself ready for the next great guy who has the audacity to sweep me off my feet.

I am a firm believer in the fact that therapy only works for people who really want to change. Right now there is a vast disconnect between the confident vocal woman I am when single and the insecure piece of spineless jell-o that I am when in a relationship. I want to reconcile that. I want to change, so I've decided to take advantage of one of my benefits from work and start going to therapy. I hope it helps before I ruin the next good thing that comes into my life.