And it should be good enough for anyone else too! What else can you ask for? Your left lung?

So, to look at it from the flip side, does this mean that I need to finally get over the fact that my mother made me take piano lessons for years (her dream), rather than allow me to take dance lessons (my dream)?

I always blamed my college-era dance mediocrity (where the dance department was one of the best in the nation) on the fact that my mother didn't allow me to train. Maybe it wouldn't have made as much of a difference as I think?

Regardless, Stephen Pinker, a brilliant thinker and scientist, does studies on genetics and attributes a large part of who we are on our genes, rather than our upbringing. While many hate the idea of abdicating parental control to DNA, Pinker makes the same claim as you: Parents should feel relief from their enormous load of guilt because our children's outcomes rely much less on us than we think.

This is a fantastic article! Thank you so much.

Thank you! These days, I keep hearing all about the "Mommy Wars", how stay at home moms think they are better than working moms and vice versa. C'mon girls, we need to relax and support each other for our parenting choices! As long as we are loving our children, what else matters?

Amen. My daughter is 30 and I can still make myself squirm with things I did or didn't do for her. The fact is, there is not one thing in my entire life I have ever done perfectly. Why on earth did I imagine I could be the perfect parent? Thanks for a sensible article.

When I quit my job and started staying home with my kids, I also started hanging out with a lot of other mothers. And some of them would drive me up the wall because they were so ANXIOUS about everything: choking hazards, dirt, boogers, if their child is eating enough, if their child is not eating enough, what he/she is eating, using a microwave to warm a bottle (NOOO!!!!), etc., etc., I could go on forever.

I have learned only to spend time with moms that share my own detachment style of parenting. Usually these are women who have more than one child. I actually wish that I had more working mom friends, but they're all, um, working.

You are more than good enough and when's she thirty and a mom herself, your daughter will finally tell you that.

(standing up on my chair, clapping and cheering)

Agree completely. Thank you.

Now maybe I can relax the next time Tacy licks the mirror during dance class (instead of doing plies or releves or whatever).

When my kids were born, attachment parenting was just taking hold, and my kids were the first generation in the mommy wars. Thing was, nobody could explain how to attachment parent twins when I was a single mother. The attachment parents used all the negatives on me, made me feel like crap, like a worthless mother because I had to work and I didn't cosleep past 4 months and my daughter was physically unable to nurse due to birth issues and worst of all, I actually had the GALL to take my daughter to see Dr Ferber (gasp!) when she was 18 months old had still hadn't slept for more than an hour at a time. Yup, I got all the guilt, but nobody ever had any good suggestions for parenting twins alone. Because it really can't be done. You can't wear two year old babies in slings. You can't cosleep with two toddlers climbing all over each other. You can't starve a baby rather than to feed formula when you aren't pumping enough to nourish her. You just can't. That's why when I see the Mommy Wars start up, I just shake my head in disgust. Who needs this nonsense? You do what you have to do in order to provide for your family and to make your children safe and happy. If it isn't what Dr Sears says is good, tough for him. Honestly, is HE doing the parenting, or is his wife?

Fantastic blog post; Thank you for sharing your experience. For those of you who want to read more, I highly suggest this Anna Quindlen article:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6960127/site/newsweek/

This is fantastic. I always say we live in the house of Good Enough. Not only are we "good enough" parents, my kids are "good enough" kids and my house looks "good enough". I love this saying and I love the bumper sticker that says "Proud Parent of an Average Kid". Thanks for this post!

ARE YOU IN MY HEAD?!!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for granting us all absolution from the quest for being the "perfect" mommy. Guilt just gets in the way of joy... I'd much rather be focusing on the giggles and smiles than worrying about what I'm not doing to *make* him meet all those arbitarty milestones. So what if he waits until 5 months to roll over? I'll lay odds he's right up there with the best early-morning-diaper-filler out there! :)
It is high time we started focusing on the here and now rather than freaking out about the all too often unknowable future!

As one of the first in my group of college friends to procreate, I also found that those who are childless now but intend to have the perfect 2.3 children later in life are almost MORE judgmental than the other mothers. They know exactly how they will do it when they are parents. I beat myself up more seeing the horror in their eyes when I could not get my now-almost-two-year-old daughter to stop crying during their dinner parties. The idea of what motherhood will be is almost worse than the descriptions of how motherhood should be by those who have already done it. I resoundingly second your motions raised here, but think we should add to the dialogue the question of how the hell we formed the ideas of what it would be like to have children in the first place? Certainly anyone who has spent time with real children sees that they are not easily controlled - how did we get the idea that it would be easy?

Great piece!

One of the things that sold me on my pediatrician at our first meeting was his suggestion that if I had the Sears book, "throw it out immediately." I asked him whether the wasn't something of value in it.

He thought for a minute and said, "Yeah. Avocados are a good food."

Outstanding reading as usual! I take pride in my mediocre parenting skills! No matter what anyone else thinks I'm still tall enough to get the "pretty paints" out of the cupboard and open up his favorite color - that smile on his face makes me feel like a superhero every time!

As a lover of Dr. Sears and attachment parenting, I would like to point out that there is no checklist or test that proves you are raising your kids AP. You wrote "I learned it by being her mother for 18 months. I learned it by spending time with my daughter and getting to know her." That is AP if I've ever seen it!!! Just being present with your child is enough. Loving them unconditionally is enough. But loving yourself and being confident in your parenting skills takes practice just like toddlers learning to walk.

Well said. I think it's easy to get caught up in what the "world" thinks is best. We ultimately have to find out what works best for our families. Especially realizing that each child is so individual! That makes for creative parenting!

I breastfeed, co-sleep, stay home and barely put my daughter down for the first 5 months of her life and at 7 months I don't know what her cries mean. I wish we could all just parent how we see fit and leave each other alone about it.

Excellent post. I totally agree that the mommy wars are not only hard on other moms (those who are perceived as the mysterious "them" because they are different from "us") but they are hard on each of us, as individuals.

I have a post in the works to talk about this too, in light of the recent mommy wars discussion. This has given me some new angles to think about. Thank you!

Did I ever tell you that I have a very secret ambition to wander the halls in Maternity wards and sneak into the rooms of the moms who look stunned and say "It's OK if you don't like them yet - You might not for a long time....but you will."

I felt terrible the first three months of my daughter's life because she hated the sling and I hated breastfeeding. Worst of all, I kept looking in vain for the "active alert" state Drs Sears and Brazelton write about. It's where newborns are quietly taking in the world and it's all very bond-enhancing and miraculous. Never happened.

It's only now - one year later - that I realize that whenever my daughter was in the "active alert" state, I was not. I was in the "I wonder if I could sleep standing up" state or the "are her eyes still open? Crap" state.

And we're as bonded as can possibly be - I have not a trace of guilt about abandoning attachment parenting. (My guilt now has to do with opting out of Baby Signs).

I think all parenting books should be entertainment for pregnant women only. Once the baby is born, pitch em all.

Sorry to ramble, but you struck a chord.

Amen! After the birth of my first daughter (now nearly 4 years old) I returned to work full time outside the home when she was just two months old. After the birth of my 7 month old, I opted to work part time from home, and am essentially a SAHM.

You know what? Both are freakin' hard to do! Honestly, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Some days, we're lucky if we're out of pj's by 11, and while when I was outside the home FT, i worried that my daughter wasn't getting enough of my TIME, now I wonder if perhaps they are being overly-mommied. LOL!
You can't win for losing!

Great article!!

Awesome Post. I hate Dr. Sears and what he has perpatrated toward women. My child is feed and diapered every day and the rest is gravy. Honestly. I am now at the point I refuse to feel guilty for something I can't do, don't have time to do, or don't have the desire to do.

Did I say this was an awesome post? Because it was!!

All well said, although I still worry when I hear what sounds like an echo of moms being defensive, i.e. "I didn't breastfeed because...I didn't co-sleep because..." Doing what is right for your family shouldn't require explanation or justification. I chose not to co-sleep. End of sentnce.

What I always find more fascinating is what an earlier commentor (Dorothy?) pointed out. "...add to the dialogue the question of how the hell we formed the ideas of what it would be like to have children in the first place?...how did we get the idea that it would be easy?"
That's always the true surprise for me - that women are so overwhelmed by how HARD it is to parent (not just newborns, but on into, oh, their TEENS). That's not a judgment, just a curiosity, and worthy of further exploration, IMHO.

Oh, I wish I could have read this article 10 years ago! I did finally reach this conclusion, but only out of desperation. Now that my kids are older and I can see that they are doing really well in school, they have friends, and they are successful most of the time, I feel better about my mothering style. And I feel more like ME. Let the guilt go! It just gets in the way of having fun with your kids.

I'm kinda impressed that you figured this out on the first kid--it took me until #3 to realize that chronic sleep deprivation from trying to be the perfect AP mama might be literally driving me insane. Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, slingwearing--all great practices when they work for the family, but martyrdom? Not so much.

My worst Dr. Sears memory is the line about how truly attached moms would bring their babies into his office and already know what was wrong. Bad, unattached moms, however, didn't know their babies well enough. So if I didn't magically know that it was an ear infection? Obviously a bad mother. Geez, like mothers need any more guilt piled on us!

Magic

here via belgian waffle. what a great piece. so true.

Wonderful! Thnaks so much for sharing feelings that help me on feeling just normal!

I have a 3 months old daugther and 1 dilema: if I go to work, I am a bad mother; if I stay at home, I am a bad wife.

Luckly, I rather trust my own feelings and do what I believe is better for me, myself and I; and just then I can be a good mother and wife.

Oh my gosh that eating in the sink idea is awesome!! Thank you! ;)

Fantastic! I bow in your general direction. This post should be required reading for all mothers, new and old. It makes more sense than anything I've ever read in a pamphlet or guide, and would help a mother out of many a funk caused by OTHER kinds of readings.

I have my own opinion of diehard AP mothers but I won't post it here because of my innate good breeding.

(. . . but for one thing, they're not very nice to people who wander onto their forum and ask a few simple questions.)

--I was missing the good mother gene. Plus all that stuff I mentioned earlier about me being self-centered and materialistic and lazy.--

Oh yes, I am constantly beating myself up over this. Even though I know that it is not true but I can't help it.

I never had that problem with my first child but with the second one I feel that there is just not enough of me there to satisfy everyones needs.

Amen, Sister.

The old adage "different strokes for different folks" was never more true than in parenting.

If attachement parenting works for some parents - it is because it suits their personality, temperment & lifestyle - terrific for them! But why should the rest of us feel guilty if it doesn't suit us?

It's funny that I read this today, because just today I posted to my blog about I find Personality-Based Solutions are some of my favorite Solutions For Busy Moms. I hope that you'll enjoy it. I think you might find the "Motherstyles" book of particular interest.

http://www.solutionsforbusymoms.com/blog/2006/3/15/one-size-does-not-fit-all-personality-type-based-solutions-are-great-for-busy-moms.html

This was perfect timing for me to read.

Thanks for being honest and open.

I love the article and agree with the idea that the majority of the good things you need to know about parenting you learn through the experience of parenting, BUT, there's an undertone of resentment and self-vindication here that could lead other readers astray. I have read the Sears book and attachment parenting is not put forward as a moralistic scolding of good mothers like you, who have found their way to a self-learned style. Instead, Sears's reason for pushing attachment parenting is in reaction to older and more obviously insensitive or simply BAD forms of parenting. Have we so quickly forgotten the many ways that "traditional" parents can really ruin a person's childhood? The insensitive hands-off macho father is not a myth but was a widespread cultural reality, as was the uninformed, passive-aggressive, simplistically moralizing mother. Whether you believe in DNA destiny or not, there are certainly ways to mess up a kid, and lots of parents of earlier generations did just that. Sears's book is not perfect, and should certainly not bring on guilt, and should be taken with plenty of grains of salt, but it stands as a great barrier to truly horrible parenting, which is still possible, and is right this minute stunting a kid's potential somewhere. The do-it-yourself thing is great - if you've already got the love and intelligence to know how to understand the experiences you're having and react to them by being a "good-enough" parent. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't have that. I respect the article, but I would do some serious soul searching before dumping Sears's ideas.

Thankfully when I read "What to Expect when you are expecting", I was advised by friends to put the books down after I nearly had a breakdown. They said not to worry, that I would know what to do. When my daughter came I was a wreck for the first 3 months WITHOUT reading the books. Now that my daughter is 2, I have completley surrendered to my "mommy" side and told myself that my reactions toward my daughters behavior and needs are determined by my nature (I feel I am a good person) and by my own parent's parenting skills (you do what you know) as well as the fact that nobody can love her like I do. I have to trust my reactions, and stand by them. If I make a mistake, she will forgive me and learn that forgiveness feels good.

Again, I am glad I didn't read those books because I am more confident because of it. Great Post!

This is a wonderful post. THere are so many things that are like excerpts from my own thoughts.

I live in a neighborhood of stay at home moms. I feel guilty every morning driving off to work while they romp around the neighborhood.

In some ways it is as though they aren't simply judging you for the choice you made.. but they are jealous of the life you have outside of being a mother.

I loved your article. I went back to work within 3 months of having each of my daughters (now 11 and 14) and they are both fine, healthy young women. My greatest pride? That my oldest daughter is spunkier than I ever would have dared to be, more outspoken than I was at her age, and able to tell me to my face that "you are trying to get me to agree with you, mom, and I'm not going to!" It took me about 3 minutes to recover after she said that one night, and then I turned to her and praised her for being honest and firm with me about her own opinion. And then I apologized for not respecting her right to think differently. Amazingly, she came back a few hours later and admitted that I did have a point, but...

You get the picture. And my youngest daughter is a fireball as well. God knows I was guilted by a ton of women who just couldn't understand my choices, or my detached style of parenting. Yet here I am, with two teenage daughters that still want to lay down with their head in my lap while we watch "Law and Order"--and they still want me to sing to them and cuddle them when they first go to bed.

Seems to me what works best for parenting isn't some set of advice out of a book--it's whatever makes mom and dad into healthy, happy parents who can give of themselves--both time and emotion--to their children. So skip the guilt and do what works best for you--because that is what will make you into the best possible parent.

i am happy mostly - though terribly sick at times - the medicine is not a perfect fix - i think some weed would help but caant find any - Kant find any...

God, this was refreshing to encounter on the blogosphere. My failure-to-bf story is perhaps a bit unusual in that I never even tried it.

You see, I developed severe and debilitating postpartum depression immediately after giving birth. I had a rather stubborn case that required hospitalization and that did not respond to ANY of the meds considered safe for nursing. I did, however, get much better after taking lithium and doxepin-- but as many folks know, lithium, doxepin, and a breastfeeding newborn just don't go together.

I did the research. I talked to two psychiatrists, one OB/GYN, and three pediatricians, as well as the La Leche League. I wanted to know if the dangers of using lithium outweighed the benefits of nursing. All concurred that they did. I wanted to know if there was a workable substitute for my medications. The shrinks concurred that they have a unique action on unique neurotransmitters, so, no.

Was my decision to bottle-feed, then, a misinformed choice? A selfish or willful one? Was I the victim of medical misinformation, or of my own refusal to try harder? None of the above. I made the only sane and life-preserving choice there was to make. Any "feminist" who would have come to my hospital room hoping to persuade me how crucial it was to breastfeed in order to empower myself/wrest my child's health away from huge corporations/build a superior mother-child bond
would have left with her tail between her legs.

I am a loving, attentive, functional mother today because I decided to take care of myself so I could take care of my baby. I shudder to think what might have become of me had I refused medications just so I could breast-feed. I might well have been driven to suicide.

And yes, I do have to put up with the occasional comment on how I am feeding my baby, and yes, it does bother me. Not because I am guilty-- for guilt implies having made a wrong decision-- but just because I am sad that things didn't work out differently.

My choice was pretty clear-cut, but I've known plenty of women who just couldn't make breastfeeding work even after weeks of self-torture, and I am sad that they feel they have to justify "giving up." I'm also sad for the successfully nursing women who criticize them.

It seems to me we have a classic case of an "unfunded mandate": women are publicly exhorted to do something, without adequate education and public policy and supports to make it happen for everyone. Yet when some women inevitably fail, it is no longer a public issue. It is THEIR moral failure.

Though the breastfeeding push is important and is pro-woman in theory, it isn't in practice. It very much reminds me of the U.S. welfare reform movement 10 years ago. Poor unskilled women with kids were ushered off the dole and into the job market, but without any funding for childcare or job training. And those who (strangely!) couldn't make it had no one to blame but themselves.

And of course, there is the factor of modern hyperparenting and the need to have perfect children, as well as the belief that we have influence over every aspect of a child's development.

Moms, please, let's stop this war with each other and point the finger where it needs to go: Our government, our insanely pressured culture, our hospitals and health systems, and our workplaces!

Thank you so much for your article. I get to feeling loserly pretty regularly. Especially after girls night related activities. I have lots of sahm friends. They say things that can hurt my feelings. I don't think they knowingly try to hurt my feelings, but it may be unconscious. The comment I hate most: I feel so sad for women who have to work and leave their babies everyday. My comment: Oh, I choose to work, it makes me a better mom, so please don't feel sorry for me. This usually puts a stop to the comments. I also agree with the hyper parenting. I know parents that micromanage every minute of their child's day. They force them into year around sports that the children hate. I think some people hide behind their childre. It's like "don't look at me,look at my perfect child."

Thanks for a top post and interesting ensuing discussion.

I think bdsm_fem_dom hit the nail on the head with her comment about part of the responsibility for the pressure on women lying with government policies.

Here in Australia we have a similar situation. Economic and industrial relations policies from our conservative govt have basically resulted in reduced choices in terms of parenting. From what I've heard from my friends in the USA, it's even more pronounced over there, with limited opportunities for maternity leave and all sorts of health system privatisation issues. (Not sure if this is correct- ???).

Many (most?) women have to work to survive and that fact limits our choices as mothers. From feeding through to AP. If you have to work you have to do what works.

'Mummy Wars' (or 'Mommy' as you Americans spell it) is just insane. There's enough pressure as it is without that kind of insensitivity between women. As if working mums don't try just as hard to do the best and be the best for all our beloved little ones!

I have been extremely lucky with the support our family has received from our son's grandparents. Without them to take up the childcare baton when there was none available, we probably would have lost our home - who can pay a mortage on one income these days? My grandmother told me to marry a doctor... I didn't ;)

BTW - charmed our way into childcare* with the local community centre but still on the council waiting list - coming up for 3 years waiting!

All the best to you 'mommies' from far-away Sydney :)

*I'd be interested find out what the childcare rates are like in the US. This is one of the hot-potato political issues down here with childcare scarce in many urban areas and quite expensive relative to income.

Thank you! This is exactly what I needed to read tonight after my day.

I think the ultimate problem here lies in all the labels we like to give ourselves. Why do our individual styles and forms of parenting need a name or label?

Throw out the lables & parent the way your heart is telling you. Follow your heart & your instincts. Stop wasting your time thinking about what to call yourself as a parent. Stop caring how other people label themselves. Stop comparing yourself to other mothers. Just be YOU & be a loving, good parent. No labels required.

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