Mommy Bloggers: Is there a cure for Mommy Guilt?

I admit it. With all that has gone on in my life in the past 9 or so months, I have been less involved with my kids than I have been in the past. I am not as active in their schools, their hobbies and in general, their lives. Oh, sure, I ask how it is going. I check homework when they ask me to. I go to sporting events and cheer them on. But mentally, I have not been there in the ways they have been accustomed to prior to this school year. I suppose I have known that (how could I not), but I didn't see how much it was effecting them until recently.

We are entering the last few weeks of school and suddenly my oldest son's teachers are coming at me with "issues" that need to be addressed. What? Now? You come to me now? Where were you when you first noticed that my child was not meeting his full potential? Where were you when his work was not being turned in and you knew he was going to get Incompletes on his report card? Why are you waiting until there is so little time left? Of course, those are my initial questions. Then the deeper, harder questions arose that caused me to pummel myself.

How could I have not known that my son was struggling? Why have I not asked more questions about school and followed through? How could I not know that he has been struggling and not doing his work on time? Am I not talking to him enough? I boiled it all down to: I am failing my son.

On the other hand we have my younger son.

I have known he has been struggling this entire year. I have watched him and helplessly given what I can. But at times it is hard to pull from an empty well. I have been an empty well trying to fill everyone else up. But I thought it was just his emotions out of control. He fell behind in work. He missed school due to illness. He has been overly emotional. I chalked it up to "just who he is" and did not do much other than work with his teacher and watch all of us become more frustrated. Finally, at the suggestion of a friend who recognized the symptoms, agreed to get him tested for ADD/ADHD. After very intensive testing, the doctors agreed that he did indeed fall into the "Inattentive ADHD" category. We then went on to learn of all the things that I have seen as him not caring or areas where I felt he was dropping the ball were actually things he could not help.Things that were out of his control. Nevertheless, they were things that I have pushed him to do. Getting frustrated and telling him to FOCUS when he was focusing with all his power. Insisting that he could do things faster when in fact he could not. He has been struggling so much this year with emotional problems and now we find out that his brain is just wired differently. And with just a few weeks left, we just find out. I question myself again. I failed my son. Again.

Guilt.

Mommy Guilt.

I know that we all make mistakes. I know there is no such thing as a "perfect parent" and to try to become one is pointless. But, oh the guilt! I blame myself for not being there enough. Not listening enough. Not questioning enough. Just not being enough.

Television is big on advertising cures for everything from bad breath to heart disease. When will someone come up with a cure for Mommy Guilt?

Comments

Well, I've got to say, I hope never. Mommy Guilt is one of the main things that motivates me to be a better parent. But maybe we do need a drug that induces an equal portion of Daddy Guilt? (for the het parents among us, that is)

I think the important thing is that your son is getting the help that he need. I know that it's hard to hear that your child is struggling in school, but we can't have our eye on our kids 24 hours a day, we need to know that their schools, coaches, dance teachers, whoever are also there for them. It sounds like you've got that in your friend. And that makes you a pretty good mommy, in my book.

Posted by: landismom | April 20, 2006 8:58 PM

I think what's important is that you are there to take care of any problems that have arisen now. Life isn't perfect and we cant' expect to be. Too much pressure on a person and you will explode. Including me.

Posted by: Melissa | April 20, 2006 9:21 PM

Hi Jenn,

For some reason my trackback pings seem to be out of commission tonight, but I want to encourage you to be kind to yourself about this and congratulate you for listening to your friend and taking action. More suggestions on the blog...

http://drumsnwhistles.com/2006/04/20/mommy-guilt-cure-the-future/

Posted by: DrumsNWhistles | April 20, 2006 9:58 PM

Okay, no cure for Mommy Guilt, but I do have Mommy Guilt relief I can offer. Come visit Aviva and me. We are co-authors of the book "Mommy Guilt: Learn to worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most and Raise Happier Kids". We have a blog on our site which also gives people the oppurtunity to ask questions and/or express concerns about parental guilt. I found your site from another post I saw about Mommy Guilt, so I thought I would just pop in and tell you about us in case we can help. After all, isn't that what parents all need, to feel some encouragement and support and when we feel confident and empowered, we definitely can ditch some of that Mommy Guilt!

Posted by: Devra Renner | April 20, 2006 10:53 PM

Jenn, I have a son with ADHD as well, and despite the fact that I know--I KNOW--that we are doing all the right things, I feel, at every turning, like we are failing him. And his brother, who gets lost in the shuffle of therapy and doctors appointments and "special" time with Mommy and all the other stuff.

I know you've been through so much this year, and my heart goes out to you. I also know that an ADHD kid--or ANY kid with special needs--is Mommy Guilt personified. I'm happy to share my experiences, or just listen. You know where to find me.

Posted by: Susan | April 21, 2006 8:27 AM

Unfortunately, I think the responsibility for letting go of the guilt sits on our own shoulders, and the world around us does little to support that happening. Everywhere we turn we are told that we're not enough, not good enough, and falling behind.

I have a particular issue with the amount of baggage the school systems dump on families, but that's my issue and I don't expect anyone else to see it my way. I just wish there was a way around it because bringing up healty, happy, loving children is a hard enough job.

I just read a lovely book, Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Myla Kabat-Zinn. While I never think a book has all the answers, I found a lot of the information in this one very helpful for finding ways to put down the guilt and other unhelpful emotions that often run my parenting.

I hope you find some peace.

Posted by: kelly | April 21, 2006 11:01 AM

Susan,

You're certainly right about the guilt coming from all sides with an ADHD kid. There's guilt heaped for medicating them if that's the choice; there's guilt for not medicating them if that's the choice; there's added-value guilt for not medicating them and giving that extra attention they need at the possible expense of siblings; and on and on.

I guess my philosophy has always been that guilt doesn't take me anywhere but down. Better to make decisions that you think are best for your child, stand by them guiltless, and keep on plugging away.

ADHD kids are so gifted in so many ways. I haven't met one yet that isn't. They're smart, funny, athletic, insightful, intuitive and just generally great kids to be around.

In a different society they'd be the leaders and we'd be the followers. That's why I'm so dead-set against letting guilt be my motivator.

When my kid is an adult, I want to say that I did everything I could to help point him toward the success he is today and not that he was limited by the ADHD that is part of who he is, y'know?

(Disclaimer: I have inattentive ADHD myself, so I am sympathetic toward all ADHD and special needs children.)

Have a great weekend,

DnW

Posted by: DrumsNWhistles | April 21, 2006 11:51 AM

Jenn, I don't know about a cure for mommy guilt, but I can reassure you from an outsider's perspective that you are doing a phenomenal job at caring for your children's needs while handling all of the major stressors in your own life.

You have a summer ahead of you to work with the boys. In that sense, the timing is good.

Posted by: Julie | April 21, 2006 3:31 PM

The good news: there is a cure.

The bad news: no one gives it to the living.

: )

Mary Sunshine

Posted by: Mindy | April 21, 2006 8:43 PM

I have a daughter that was diagnosed with ADHD as well. I stil find myself scolding her for not listening, paying attention and doing things faster. It's tough. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

Posted by: Stacy | April 22, 2006 3:51 PM

Hi, I just discovered your blog and this particular post could not be a better fit for *my* blog "Put It On Your Therapy List!" Please encourage your readers to stop by and visit at www.pioytl.blogspot.com The entire site is devoted to guilt-free parenting and I, along with my merry little band of guilt-free mommies, offer loads of tips! I am going to link to your site, I love your stuff.

Dr.G.

Posted by: Dr.G | April 24, 2006 9:00 AM

Great blog you have going on. KarlaX

Posted by: KarlaX | April 25, 2006 11:01 PM

IRS http://www.irstaxwebsite.com/

Posted by: IRS | June 7, 2006 1:01 AM

Just found your posts while searching on mommy guilt. I have been feeling it myself lately, as I focus more on making memories than on chores and bedtimes....I know these posts of yours were made a year ago, but perhaps someone else will stumble on them as I did and offer some suggestions/ideas? See my angst at: http://radioactivecats.blogspot.com/2007/05/i-am-such-bad-mommy-but-music-was-so.html

Posted by: Lindsay | May 11, 2007 9:10 AM

I could have written this post. The same thing happened to me at the end of the year. I felt/feel awful. I feel like I'm failing him. I try so hard to remind myself it's not him. The mom guilt sets in. I feel awful about everything I've done or not done.

Posted by: jennifer | July 19, 2007 10:59 PM

Is there a cure for Mommy Guilt?

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