I've learned a lot about motherhood in the past year. It seems as if I have mothering from prior to when my Mom got sick and mothering after. Trust me on this one. It changed. It had to. My eyes were opened to so many things that-- like it or not-- I cannot protect, fix or change for my children. Big things happen in their lives that as their mother, I am helpless to shield them from. Life changing things.

You see your family going down a road. You think you know where it is going. Everything fits as it should and everyone has their niche. I will admit, while we were no Leave it to Beaver family, we had a good groove going. Then the unthinkable happened.

Mom got sick. So sick that suddenly I became torn between the intense and primal need to be with my Mom and the instinctual need to take care of my children. As my mother became sicker, the need to be with her began to over shadow my instincts to protect my children. To be there for every little thing. Sadly, I must admit, I was not much of a mother to them in the 6 months that my mother was in such critical condition. I knew more about the lives and the comings and goings of her ICU nurses than I did my own children. Those times I made it back to my own home, I was confused as to the simpliest things such as "what exactly are our local radio stations and tv channels?" Everything was upside down and inside out. Home was now where ever my Mom was. The house was where my kids and husband were. And trust me, there were many times I would wake up so very confused as to where I was that morning.

That to say, I wasn't the most attentive of mothers. Things slipped by me unnoticed. My children suffered in ways I never saw. School events that would have seen me there every time came and went without my being there. Whether I was in Houston with Mom or at home trying to sleep or catch up on life, I just wasn't where I would have normally been. Involved with my children.

The last day of school I clung to my younger son's teacher and wept. I thanked her. Surely I never would have been able to make it through the year without her help.

When Mom died, a part of me did as well. I was in a fog. Lost. Unable to figure out who I was. Being a mother felt so hard and so time consuming and so HARD! I didn't have the desire to be the Mom. All I wanted was to be the kid again. With my own Mom still alive. Needless to say, there has not been anyone knocking on my door offering me my Mother Of The Year Award.

And slowly, I am learning to forgive myself.

In the last couple of weeks I finally saw through my fog and was able to see the wreckage that was all around me. And I realized that now is not the time for super mom. Now is not the time to feel guilty for the time I had not spent with my kids. Now was certainly not the time to wonder where I could've made things better for them. Now is the time to let go of trying to be the perfect parent and just hold on as tight as I can to be the good-enough Mom. Being an available Mom.

I am starting to see the effects the past year has had on my children. One of them is having super intense anxiety issues. Intense as in life threatening. One is acting out with an attitude that makes Simon Cowell on a bad day look like Mary Poppins at her sugary best. An attitude that I know is covering up pain and insecurity. And finally, one who is regressing and wants no one but her mommy all day, every day.

I see irrational fears. I see acting out for attention. I have seen the worst that stress and anguish can do to a person. And I have seen it in my babies. That hurts. Knowing that perhaps I might've made things different is a question I am forced to push aside on a daily basis as it taunts me.

We are picking up the pieces. We are out of school and praying for a summer that is relaxing and one that can heal us. I am doing all I can to be the Mom they have missed the passed year while still trying to heal myself. But I have learned. Oh, how I have learned.

1- You cannot shield your children from the harshest realities of life. One day, death will touch them and sting their souls. The best you can hope for is that you are there to help heal the wounds.

2- You cannot always make it better. Sometimes, it just sucks. Period.

3- There is no right or wrong way to parent. There is just one way. The way that works best for you and your kids.

4- Moms are human. (I am still working on letting myself be okay with that.) Moms hurt. Moms grieve. Moms can cry at night, scared of the dark because of the images that loom in the night.

5- Kids are stronger than you may give them credit for....

6- Kids need to know it is okay to be weaker than they may think you expect them to be.

7- Sometimes, you just have to navigate the toughest of waters in motherhood without a map. This is where you have to learn to trust YOUR instinct. Your gut. And your intuition.

8- Finally, it is okay to screw up. Did you hear that, Moms? It is OKAY to screw up now and then. Do you know what that makes us? Human. Get used to it.

Face, it Moms, we don't really have the answers. And let me bust this myth right out of the water as well: Neither do the "experts" because in the case of Motherhood, you really do know best.

So, if you ask me, the best we can all hope for is to get through this the best we can and help each other along the way. Then, and only then, will we be able to do this mothering more successfully and with less guilt. Just doing the best we can.