Mommybloggers: Susie Sunshine, thank you so much for allowing the Mommybloggers to interview you. Your writing on Underpaid Kept Woman possesses such candor and humor, but the thing that comes through the most is your love for your family. It's a snarky love, of course. But that makes it more real, and somehow more believable. Oodles of love can be read into your snark. How do you decide what to write about?

Susie Sunshine: Usually the most recent crazy/ funny/unbelievable/ stupid thing is what gets ink, unless someone pisses me off. Then they go to the front of the line.

Mommybloggers: Your four sons range in age. I imagine the provide you with LOTS of material. Do you edit yourself to protect their privacy? How do they feel about your blog?

Susie Sunshine: Thirty years later, I can still name every kid who had a bathroom accident or threw up at school, so I try to be mindful of the ramifications of too much information. I share the funny but tread lightly or omit the parts that could cost the boys things like their dignity or good looking prom dates. Childhood is rough enough without me adding material to the Google machine for junior high assholes to print and tape to lockers some day.

It has been scientifically proven my sons can't keep a secret, so they don't know about the blog.

Mommybloggers: Were you born funny, or was the skill developed over time?

Susie Sunshine: My baby book contains a notation that at age three, after saying my line about visiting baby Jesus, I used my moment with the microphone to tell a joke at the church Christmas program. (I don't think my mother found it very funny, though.)

Mommybloggers: Who in your life has influenced your sense of humor the most?

Susie Sunshine: My maternal grandfather could have had his own stand-up act. He didn't even have to talk to be funny; the man could make a crowd wet their pants from laughing just by walking across the room and waving.

Mommybloggers: Have you always considered yourself a writer?

Susie Sunshine: Oh, sure. I kept diaries and notebooks; wrote angst-filled crappy poetry and shitty short stories as a child. I loved the writing assignments and reports in college. It was still angst-filled and crappy, but I had perfected the technique by then.

Mommybloggers: Tell us a little about your childhood. What kind of a kid were you?

Susie Sunshine: I was born and raised in rural Michigan and was a precocious smarty-pants who never felt like she fit in. I was bored and read a lot because there are only so many times you can feed cows and mow the lawn. It's a nice area, it just didn't suit me.

Mommybloggers: Your "Letter to Kotex" was published earlier this year. Do you see yourself submitting more works for publication?

Susie Sunshine: If by "published" you mean "had a blog entry stolen and forwarded via email with various headers like 'U have GOT 2 Rd Thz!', or 'So Funny!' with my name in the signature replaced with 'Miss PMS'" then yes, I was published earlier this year! That stupid letter has popped up in joke forums, message boards, Myspace accounts, various blogs, and was featured as an example of the proper pissiness needed to gain membership into the Heartless Bitches Association. It was my first taste of plagiarism and I'd have tightened it up if I knew it would get such a following.

I hope to be published for real and for something more substantial than a diatribe against feminine hygiene manufacturers some day, though. (If a feminine hygiene manufacturer happens to be reading this, I am available for brutally honest reviews on products and marketing strategies in exchange for cash and free cases of girlie items. Seriously, you guys NEED MY HELP!)

Mommybloggers: Susie, you have four boys. I come from a family of four girls. I have read that the second child is always the best one. Have you found this to be true?

Susie Sunshine: Aren't all kids after the first……………leftovers?

Mommybloggers: But, seriously. FOUR BOYS. You have been through several oral surgeries, a plethora of various vomitous stomach viruses, and the icing on the cake: an ingested Christmas light. How many injuries do you treat in a typical week?

Susie Sunshine: It depends on the season. Winter contains snow and ice, which combined with hard pavement, creates endless paramedic possibilities, as well as violent flu germs.

Summer brings bikes, balls, and bugs which translate into bruises, blood and bawling.

A typical week averages four minor scrapes that can be fixed with a bandage and magical mommy kiss. Atypical weeks I delete from my memory banks to keep from going apeshit.

Mommybloggers: How do you maintain you sanity amid the chaos?

Susie Sunshine: Transcendental meditation and daily yoga.

(Okay, that's a lie. It's more along the lines of trance-inductional margaritas and daily yogurt.)

I function most efficiently when everything is in chaos because there is no other choice. My hobby when the boys are grown is going to be air traffic control.

Mommybloggers: What has surprised you the most about mothering four boys?

Susie Sunshine: They are just as sweet as girls. That whole 'frogs, snails, puppy dog tails' business is a load of shit. Boys are sugar and spice too, they just can pee farther.

Mommybloggers: Susie, you own two absolutely rocking cars. You drive self-described soccer-mom minivan, and your husband drives an old-man car. From a fellow minivan driver, what car would you most like to have (assuming you no longer need to drive children around) and why?

Susie Sunshine: Since I never got Barbie's breasts, waist or pretty feet, I'd be content with a Mini Cooper because it looks like a Barbiemobile.

Mommybloggers: There are quite a few photographs of crafts in the archives of your blog. I saw Tulip cutouts using the outline of a hand, eggshell animals, jean quilts, turkey nuts,Teddy bears, and flower-pot bunnies to mention just a few. You are a craft aficionado. Where do you get your ideas?

Susie Sunshine:Oh there are craft projects all over the place! Teachers have file folders full of ideas, other parents have great tips, and there are gobs of craft blogs with kid-friendly activities.

Family Fun and Martha Stewart's now defunct (Seriously, WHAT THE HELL, MARTHA?!) Kids magazines have been great resources for me in the past. It's much harder finding time than finding ideas!

Mommybloggers: Do your sons help you with craft projects? How do you get them to participate?

Susie Sunshine:Most kids enjoy the chance to be creative and make a mess, even boys. My kids are seasoned crafters, having been forced into finger paint when only bitty little things. The oldest is now 13 and has started hanging back when we start working on something, but he still quietly joins in eventually. He'd never admit it in public, but he likes crafting. We have a deal that if they stop creating, I stop cooking and that's worked out well.

Mommybloggers: Do you miss Kicky Coconut (your adopted turtle), or are you secretly glad to be rid of him?

The tank is very empty without him. Or perhaps the emptiness is because he KILLED most of creatures that LIVED there. I don't miss that little bastard AT ALL.

Mommybloggers: How exactly does a turtle express disdain for its owners?

Susie Sunshine: This turtle mouthed profanities and gave me the evil eye all day long, it was not subtle! He didn't mind the kids, but he didn't like me. There's just no accounting for turtle taste, I guess.

Mommybloggers: While we are on the topic of pet's, your story about Corky the dog was hysterically funny and tragically, achingly painful at the same time. My favorite part was how concerned and understanding your children were when they discovered that their beloved puppy had been returned in the middle of the night because your husband was deathly allergic. That was truly touching. What's your secret to raising such empathetic, sweet boys?

Susie Sunshine: If I knew for sure, that would be the book to write! I think the key is to make sure you have a great husband who likes kids. He'll then be an excellent dad and it all just sort of falls into place from there. (Oh and don't let them watch or play hockey. That turns kids mean. (Just kidding! Please don't hurt me, hockey moms!))

It helps to be insanely lucky, and except for the pet department, I really am.

Mommybloggers:You claim to be un-photogenic. Are you aware that a picture will be posted along with this interview?

Susie Sunshine:Couldn't you just do a vivid description instead? You know, something like, "As Susie entered the coffee shop (a full fifteen minutes late) for the interview, every head turned in her direction. Was it her Garnier Espresso brown hair? The fantastic (save for the one little splotch of color on her front tooth) application of Bobbi Brown lipstick in Raspberry Shimmer? Perhaps the explosive sound of her purse making contact with the tile floor and her compact exploding into a thousand violent, glittery slivers as the alarm button on her keychain activated the horn on her soccermom minivan parked in front while her youngest child grabbed her leg and loudly announced, "MOMMY, I NEED TO MAKE STINKS, RIGHT NOW!" was what made everyone in the establishment aware of her flushed, sweaty presence.
That would be way more interesting than a crappy picture of me trying to keep my eyes open for the camera.

Mommybloggers: And last, but not least, where did you get each of your code names for your husband and children? Dr. Brilliant, Camper, Bucky, Bono, and Dirt Monkey (okay, that one is pretty self explanatory)?

Susie Sunshine: Dr. Brilliant, Camper, Bucky and Dirt Monkey were actual nicknames at some point. Bono is just a cool name for a cool kid who was going to be a rock star until his surprise announcement last week that he's now going to cut down trees for a living because he "likes the noise they make when they fall." (Apologizes in advance, Sierra Club.)

Mommybloggers: Susie, thank you so much for answering our questions. We love reading underpaidkept woman, and we look forward to keeping up with your hijinx in the future.

Mommybloggers: And here are the questions we subject all of our featured bloggers to (With apologies to Bernard Pivot and Inside the Actors Studio):

1. What is your favorite parent related word?

I can turn a kid's day completely around by the mere mention of dessert. People underestimate the power of combining sugar, flour, and fat.

2. What is your least favorite parent related word?

Accident. There is no such thing as a happy or good accident. It always involves sanitizer.

3. What is your favorite creative censored curse word used around children?

By drawing out and stressing certain syllables of ordinary words, I can make anything sound like a death threat, a trick I learned while student teaching.

4. What is your favorite hiding place within your home when you need to get away from it all?

A snowsuit, warm pair of boots, and full-size chest freezer (with a safety latch - that part is important!) can really come in handy when there's not enough Calgon in the universe to take you away.

5. What hiding place have you been found in too often and can no longer use?

The monster in the "scary room" of the basement had a good run, but the kids are all wise to it now. The most distressing thing about this development is Santa's elves lost a shitload of storage space.

6. If Oprah exists, what would you like to hear her say when you arrive at the Oprah Winfrey show when she features the Mommybloggers?

Her sing-songy voice wouldn't grate on my nerves if she were to say, "And… Sussseeeee! You're noooowwwww a writeeeeeer for my magggaaaaazine!!!"