Mommy Bloggers: An Essay from Crutonboy

The Following essay was written by Crutonboy from Dadcentric, Cheekyshideaway, and Ronmexicosblog

This is my first Father's Day as an actual certified father. I've got the papers to prove it and everything.

I've always associated Father's Day with that mid-50s image of fatherhood--the square-jawed man who comes home from work and hangs his hat on the hat rack, gives his kids a hug, then goes outside to mow the lawn. Pressed shirts, Aqua Velva, and stern life-lessons for Wally and the Beav. It's such a classic, indelible image, yet have a hard time associating myself with it. I'm nothing like that....I don't even have a hat rack!

The mental image I have of myself is more along the lines of a rebellious loner, a beer snob who can drink you under the table, a geek who can't get his printer to work, an aimless smart-ass who is destined for greatness once someone gets around to discovering me. Also, in that mental image I look like George Clooney. None of that really fleshes out the image of fatherhood either, yet here I am with a beautiful daughter and all the responsibility, joy, and suffering that entails.

The truth lies somewhere in between.

I was browsing a magazine stand this morning and saw one of those outdoor mags with an athletic, smiling dad on the cover, a mountain vista in the background and two helmeted kids in tow, riding his high- end bicycle through Grand Adventure National Park or wherever. I thought to myself, "That's the sort of dad I'm going to be. I'll take my kids on fantastic, once-in-a-lifetime adventures so they can see the beauty of the world. I'll be Rugged Dad." Never mind that I get winded lifting the toilet seat, or that my mountain bike has more dust on it than the Ark of the Covenant.

Other times I wonder if I'm going to be Cool Dad, the one that all the kids in the neighborhood like because I'll be as good at Halo 7 as they are. I'll high-five them as they walk through the door, tease them about their boyfriends/girlfriends, and tell them about the dangers of marijuana with the grudging delivery of a celebrityforced to do community service. "Don't do drugs of you'll have to give speeches in gymnasiums just like this one." But is any parent really "cool" to their kids? And every time I look at parents like that I wonder how you can maintain lines of authority when you're cracking-wise with a 15 year old.

Then I wonder if I'll be like my own Dad. My father was a saint, a stoic, salt-of-the-earth type who quietly "got things done" while chaos spun around him. He was never great with the kids--he once made me feel bad about skipping a stone because "that rock took millions of years to get to this shore, and now you've thrown it into a lake"--but he had commanded a quiet respect that was equal parts love and fear. You knew what the rules were, and he wasn't afraid to spank, but I look back with the clear hindsight of maturity and see how methods were just his way of helping up grow up to be decent, kind people. There was a deep current of emotion that ran just beneath that stern exoskeleton, and when it cracked you could see what a man who do anything for his kids looked like.

So if all of these are images of fatherhood that I either aspire to or have traits of, then what sort of father will I be? None of the above? Some hybrid?

It's anyone's guess, and I'm still too new at this to have any clarity on the topic. But I have learned a few things:

-- It's really, really cute the first hundred times your daughter throws something on the floor. But at least part of parenting is getting to the point where your kid annoys the shit out of you and you just have to tell them to cut it out. The art of parenting is saying that in a way they'll respond to and learn from. And no, I haven't figured that trick out yet.
-- I don't care how bad that diaper might smell, I'd still rather stick my nose in my daughter's ass than stick my finger in the diaper to check.
-- Never, ever try to clean up the toys in the living room while your child is still awake. She could give a crap whether you want a clean house or not. Think back to your bachelor days, when laundry left on the bedroom floor for a week only required a sniff to be deemed "clean enough," and you can be much more zen about the mess.
-- Always remember that being a parent doesn't negate the need to be husband. In fact, being a good husband especially after a full day of "I want that thing no not that thing the other thing the thing I'm pointing at now I want that thing pick me up put me down I'm hungry don't feed me where's my blanket look a ball look at me look at me look at me hey is that my foot pick me up pick me up put me down put me down I want that thing." She'll need you more than ever.
-- When my daughter first gets up in the morning and drowsily buries her head in my chest, I want time to stop forever right at that moment.

So what does all this say about what kind of father I'll be? Well, it tells me that I'm indulgent up to a point, that as much as I may want certain things I have to accept that I can't have them, and that it's fiercely important to me that my entire family (myself included) is happy. They all seem like a good base to work with. I could still end up Rugged Dad or Cool Dad or Stern Dad, or I could end up as some completely unforeseen and wholly unique dad variant, but these elements will likely be a party of that. In the end it probably doesn't matter as much a my daughter knowing she is loved unconditionally and that I'll always be in her corner.

We all want to hear our kids drop our names at their high school valedictory speeches--the ones that get me all misty when I see them in commercials. But I believe the key to this isn't to aspire to a particular type of dad but to be yourself, do your best, and be aware that your kids are looking to you for support, protection, and guidance. It's a lot of responsibility, and you may not want to accept it 24x7, but you need to acknowledge it and adapt.

So this this Father's Day remember that the father's in your life probably have no idea what they were doing, and are just hoped to god that their sons stayed out of jail and their daughters stayed off the pole. There is no manual for us, either, and what may seem like awkwardness and distraction is us just flying by the seat of our pants, mixing a little improvisation in during commercials. We may not care what kind of dad we want to be, as long as we're a good one.

Comments

Wow, what a great essay! It's like I could have written the same exact thing. Ok, not as well but the same feelings.

I particularly like the part about remembering to be a great husband. In my opinion, that is the most important part of being a great father (although if we hit "good" father I think we're doing ok). A happy home is so important to raising these kids. They are going to get plenty o' pain and heartache in their lives, the least we can do as parents is give them a safe haven to come home to, don'tcha think?

Anyway, great job! Thank you!

Posted by: buzz | June 13, 2006 8:51 AM

Well said. I'll be nicer to Gabe.

(and no I'm not stalking you, I got here from the Draft Day Suit sitemeter, I couldn't figure out why Mommybloggers had suddenly linked to us).

Posted by: Sarah | June 13, 2006 2:58 PM

Hey, is that two mentions of the Arc of the Covenant in a single day? Haven't you violated some type of blogging rule?

Seriously, though, I think you are a great dad, and whatever genre of dad you end up being is the right one for you and Cheeky (and Oogie).

Posted by: landismom | June 13, 2006 7:53 PM

"When my daughter first gets up in the morning and drowsily buries her head in my chest, I want time to stop forever right at that moment."

I hear the sound of hundreds of hearts melting. They all know you are taken, but I think they want one just like you.

Posted by: Meghan | June 14, 2006 11:47 PM

Meghan is right. God bless the Onternet for having you in it. Works for me because in reality I already have an overfull dance card of dah'ling daddy.

Posted by: mo-wo | June 19, 2006 10:18 AM

An Essay from Crutonboy

TrackBack

Comments

Post a comment