Motherhood and the emotional support it requires
The hardest part of motherhood for me--excluding the physical toll on my body-- is the emotional weight being a parent carries with it. Whenever my kids hurt, I hurt. Suddenly, my heart needs to have the capacity to hurt and rejoice for not only my own life, but for the lives of each of my children. As much as I have tried to tell myself that they have to live their own lives and own their own hurts, I can't help but hurt with them when something goes wrong. By the same token, I also have the ability to love in capacities I never knew existed before having children. With each child I wondered how I could ever love another child as much as the next. Then when child number two was born I realized the ability for my heart to love expanded beyond anything I had known. After 5 years of just having two children, I knew that my heart could not possibly be able to expand even more to fully love a third child. Yet, my heart fooled me and expanded to fill with unlimited amounts of devotion and love once again.
But the hardest part of motherhood for me has been knowing when to let my children own their own hurt and when to try to protect them. I learned this lesson the hard way. It was a complete trial by fire when my own Mom became sick and then later passed away. I wanted to do everything to keep them from the intense pain of that loss. I didn't want their safe world to no longer feel safe. But honesty had to win out. And then, though my heart was broken, I found a way to take on as much as their pain as I could. I reassured as much as I could. I gave them as much comfort as I had within me. And it was hard. I was empty and yet I had to find a way to give support and love and comfort to my children.
We got through it. In the 6 months since my mother passed away, we have found ourselves in a new groove and it is working.
And then another phone call came that again has rocked our world.
And I am torn. Torn between being totally upfront. Torn between half truths or full disclosure. Torn between letting them in on scary realities or soft spoken reassurances. Again, my heart has to find a new way around possbile life changing events. Frankly, I don't know how to do it. I immediately called one of my closest friends and did the initial freaking out. I cried, "I just got my feet back on solid ground only to find out it might be ice!"
What do you do as the emotional support to so many when you feel your own stability slipping from your grip? I don't really have the answer, but I can say that I am holding on tight and praying that I know what to say, what to do and how to handle it in the best possible way.
The hardest part of becoming a mother for me has been the emotional part that is required and that we are blessed with as parents. A heart meant for one that has become a heart that feels for four. It has been the most challenging yet rewarding parts of motherhood. And yet, I still struggle with it. Daily. Especially when I feel the ground beneath me rumble once again.
What about you? What has been the hardest part of motherhood for you?
Comments
The hardest part for me right now.....is seeing my son get picked on by the other kids he wants so desperately to play with and be accepted by. He has ACM1, and is largely nonverbal. I heard a child say, over the 4th of July, "Eeeew! Look at him! He's drooling!". And I saw my son's face fall. My heart broke right in half, and still hurts. He understands everything he hears, and to have him realize the little boys he was so enamored of, were making fun of him, was devastating to both of us and my husband.
Posted by: Sonia (DDM) | July 6, 2006 1:13 PM
In the past, I had somehow learned to say, "It's not my hurt, I need to let go," when I found myself getting too involved in someone else's troubles. If there was nothing I could do to help, I would eventually be able to let go and just pray and wish them the best. With my kids, their hurts are my hurts. They are so much a part of me that I can't yet imagine not hurting for them when they truly hurt. I hope you find an answer in this case and that you are comforted as well.
Posted by: Kathryn, dym | July 6, 2006 2:25 PM
It's one of the hardest parts of being a mom, maybe the hardest part, except for that part when your kids actually realize that you can't protect them - and they aren't sure they want you to.
There's no One True Answer to the horror that is protecting the little ones. It's easy when they're little: fire bad; running with scissors bad; play under bus bad. But when their friends hurt their feelings, do we step in, or let them learn their life lesson and help talk them through it? When a family member or close friend dies, do we act brave and strong or do we let them see that it's okay to hurt and express that hurt and that life moves on?
And how do you do all of that when you feel you have nothing left to give?
You suck it up. You do what you feel you're supposed to do, and put off worrying about them going to therapy until they're in college or at least high school. You comfort, you console, you step in as is appropriate for their age and maturity level. You pour them a glass of milk, curl up with them on the sofa, let them cry, fix a favorite meal, make plans for some grand event that will take their minds off of whatever is happening for a few hours. Then you tuck them into bed so that they can recharge themselves to strike anew the next day.
Then you retreat. You pour yourself a glass of wine or a cup of tea, curl up on the sofa and cry, do the dishes from the favorite meal, take a long hot bubble bath and cry some more, then focus on making that focus-changing event a reality, helping yourself take your mind off of whatever it is. Then you tuck yourself in, to get some rest to gather strength for the next day that life will throw at you.
Posted by: Aly | July 6, 2006 5:46 PM
The toughest part for me is simplifying the details about how I can have enough love for my husband and three little girls. My daughters are constantly questioning me about that very fact. "If you loved me, you would believe that I'm telling you the truth!" What I have said to my daughters more than once already is: "When I married your daddy, I was certain I had all the love my heart could hold. When my oldest daughter was born, weighing only five pounds, my heart gained exactly five pounds to make room to love her completely. When my second daughter was born, she weighed 7 pounds and 10 ounces, and the weight my heart gained at that moment matched her birth weight. When my third daughter was born, weighing in at seven pounds, once again, my heart grew to accomodate my love for her as well."
I'm just not sure they can really bend their young minds around it at 2, 5 and 7 years old.
Posted by: Erin (erin-erin-bo-berin) | July 6, 2006 6:18 PM
I don't know. Simply I have no idea because right now (and since I had Q) I've needed it - and I really don't get it. It doesn't help that I'm far from friends and family - I think that would make it easier. BUT, I have learned that moms are a neglected species - required to take on all for everyone, and it gets tired and draining.
Therapy, man. That or a damn good masseuse.
Posted by: Kristen | July 6, 2006 11:10 PM
I think for me, the most difficult part is protecting my children from myself. Here these beautiful, perfect little kids were born to Mommy Emotional Baggage! I try very hard not to let that baggage dictate where I go as a parent but sometimes the baggage wins. Even when it doesn't, I know it is there and it weighs on me. Having said all that, I think, in the long run, I am doing okay by them, I just wish it were easier.
Posted by: Mary | July 7, 2006 1:48 PM
Hardest part? not having a mother to ask questions to. Not having friends with kids. BEing trapped in a yuppie city with no one I know but my husband. my husband doing jack for the baby when he gets home (unless it's play with). haveing his ^*%$%*%# family not so subtly imply that his son is not his ("you need to take a parternity test."-MIL)
In the end all I can do is try no to make the mistakes that the inlaws made with my hubby, remember that my hubby works 60 hour weeks so of course he wants to play, take a deep breath, and learn from doing.
How I will survive the next 18 years, I am still not too sure. I supposed evenutally my friends will have kids and I will move to a place where I am happy and I feel that Nut is safe and sound. Until that day, I have to remind myself that I am smarter then I think, stronger then I seem and braver then I know.
But my god I wish there was someone to talk to.
Posted by: Peanut's mom | July 8, 2006 12:28 AM
Peanut's mom and Kristen, I know how you both feel. I too am far from my friends and family with only my husband around for support. Thankfully, though, he is a prince and does everything he can to help...but the long days alone with my new baby in a strange state where I know no one are scary. I, too, wonder how I will survive the next 18 or so years. I guess what I've come to realize is you do it one day at a time.
Peanut's mom, you can e-mail me any time you want to "talk". :)
Posted by: NewMommy | July 9, 2006 3:34 PM