Moms are the true experts!
The following essay was written especially for Mommybloggers by our featured guest, the beautiful Karen Rani.
Eight years ago, when I was pregnant with Dylan, I walked into a Starbucks on a Friday morning, as I did every Friday morning of my pregnancy, and ordered my weekly treat of a tall Mocha Frappuccino and a slice of Banana
Bread. It was 5:30 a.m. and I was on my way to work at the Big Box Store where I had met the father of this heartburn-inducing baby I was carrying.
The woman in front of me nearly whipped her own head off as she hissed, "Should you be drinking coffee while you're pregnant?"
"Should you be talking while you're brainless?" I quipped back.
It was on the way to work that day, that I realized, I was about to become an expert.
A parent.
Eight years later, I am proud of that day. I am proud to tell people I treated myself to a Frappacino every Friday of Dylan's gestation. I will also tell you that when that little bugger was 12 days late, I had a Kahlua and milk.
*gasp!*
Yes, I did.
And I don't regret it.
When the cross-eyed doctor told me I would feel better if I squatted during labour, (my first blog entry EVER!) I told her to go ahead and squat on the effing floor. When Dylan got sick, my instincts told me to take him to the ER. Those expert instincts saved his life.
I don't subscribe to parenting magazines. I don't read parenting books anymore. Someone gave me a toddler book when Thomas turned one and I still laugh when I read it. It says things like, "Don't make a face or say "ew" when your son has a bowel movement. Or, when he smears it all over his room. Whichever. Just don't make a face.
What?
Shit stinks. Life is full of shit that stinks.
By not saying "ew" and crinkling my nose, am I not being honest with my child? Am I showing him that it is okay to repress my own feelings to protect him from feeling, uh, shitty?
Huh?
The experts in the book also says you should give your children alternatives to the word "no." How about, "never," "not today," and "NOT!" Do those work any better?
What I'm getting at is, life can be shitty. People are going to say no to your children at every age of their lives. Why would you not want them prepared for that? Sure, give your children choices. You want them to grow up confident that they HAVE choices.
For example, let's say you want your little one to go to bed. The experts say to use phrases like, "Would you like teddy or bunny to go to bed with you?"
I say, "Why ain't your chunky ass in bed yet, boy?" in my best Brit-Twit accent, "Now pass me mah Cheetos." Dylan usually laughs, but he goes to bed.
Experts say, "Offer your children a choice of dips in order to get them to eat vegetables and other healthy foods."
I say, "A choice of dips? Do you think this is a restaurant? Eat your dinner for 4 points toward your X-Box." (Dylan has to get to 500 -healthy eating habits should kick in by 500, right?) And Thomas? He will eat ANYFINK.
Experts advocate talking, reasoning and positive reinforcement.
The experts that wrote this crap had robots for children. Or they lied. My guess is the latter.
The experts I know are Mommybloggers. Call them what you will, these women taught me it's okay to yell at your kids, to feel uncontrollable anger during PPD and beyond, to feed them pancakes for dinner, to steal from Thomas' "kiggygank" for a Frappucino, to obsess about constipation, diarrhea, barf, teeth, tummyaches, butt cream and oh so much more.
I have come a long way as a blogger in the last year and a half. And thanks to every Mommyblogger I have ever read, I have become a better mother because of all of your expertise, and very realistic experiences that you have shared. You are very important to us.
Thank you, from my little family, to yours.
Love Karen
xo
To read more by Karen, be sure to visit her personal blog Troll Baby and make sure you stop by Troll Baby Graphics if you are in the market for a blog make-over (because you know you are)!
Comments
This is exactly how I feel! Well done, Karen.
Posted by: Suburban Turmoil | August 15, 2006 8:36 AM
Farkin' yeah! Thank you so much for that, I feel so much better. I needed that.
Posted by: Janet | August 15, 2006 8:52 AM
So very true! My favorite "expert" was the guy who wrote a parenting book and was featured on Oprah a few years back. And the kicker? He DIDN'T have children. Ummm okay.
Posted by: Sassy | August 15, 2006 9:32 AM
Amen, Karen! I feel the same way. I wish I could sell off all the parenting self-help books I've bought. I don't need them now--I have mommybloggers to commisserate and learn from!
Hey, that points idea is a great one. My son is soley motivated by Playstation time and games. I may have to steal that one...
Posted by: Steph. | August 15, 2006 9:36 AM
Chunky ass. Mwahahaha.
We say "happy ass" because the curve of their little butts looks like a smile.
Great entry, Karen. Mwah!
Posted by: Jenny | August 15, 2006 9:53 AM
I stole Chunky Ass from my Newfie friend Penny. Dylan actually has no ass at all.
Steph - I set the bar really high for the points system. There's a list of stuff that gets him points, like vaccuuming is 5 points per floor (we have 3 floors), and tidying a room is 2 points. There are also "free things" on his list, like feeding his fish. He asked me why there are no points listed for that chore. "It's easy," I explained, "Don't feed the fish and you get dead fish. You love them don't you?"
He also gets a point for reading Thomas a book. That's an easy one and everybody wins.
:)
Posted by: Karen Rani | August 15, 2006 11:59 AM
Oh you crack my shit up!!!
But you're right, those parenting magazine and books are so for the birds. The only experts on how to raise you child(ren) is YOU! The parent!
I know my kids better than I know myself and I dont need no stinkin books to tell me what to do!!
Posted by: Jen | August 15, 2006 12:00 PM
Karen, I've had you on my blogroll for a while and have clicked over now and then to read. But after reading this? I think I love you and now I'm going to go and clean my night vision goggles so I can sit outside your blog and stalk your every move (eek! j/k).
I think I've done every single thing to my kids that the "experts" advise against and not one of them has stopped breathing or ended up on Canada's Most Wanted list. I use my instincts as a guide first and foremost and trust only my nearest and dearest friends and mommybloggers for advice. It's worked thus far.
Posted by: Vicky | August 15, 2006 1:26 PM
I think you should write the next "expert" book, karen. I'd be the first in line at Borders. I'd camp out. Dressed like Harry Potter. Just to confuse them.
Posted by: Mom101 | August 15, 2006 2:36 PM
I too am tired of parenting magazines. I am a true believer in watching and learning from parents like you and Daren. You are an amazing mom, and I've witnessed it many, many times. You rock!
Love ya!
Nicol
Posted by: Nicole | August 15, 2006 5:36 PM
Whoa...hold on. You're not supposed to say "Ewwww" when faced with the rankest thing you've ever smelled since your baby transitioned to solids?
I'm SO glad I didn't read that book. I'd be feeling like a total buttnugget myself.
Hear that, experts? I'm listening to Karen from now on.
Posted by: Izzy | August 15, 2006 7:31 PM
LMAO So THIS is where are the fun rebel mommies are! Although I'm no officially a mommy blogger, I am a stay at home mom who blogs! LOL Lovin you girls!
Posted by: prlinkbiz | August 15, 2006 10:43 PM
Hear, hear! Bravo, Karen. I have a subscription to "Parenting" magazine, and each month I tear out any recipes that look good and toss the rest in the recycling bin. I laughed when I tried to read "What to Expect The First Year".
And I drank a decaf Mocha from Starbucks at least once a week while pregnant with Kaitlyn. I told my OB and she said it was fine. Thank you for reminding us that we ARE the experts!
Posted by: Elizabeth | August 15, 2006 11:37 PM
OMG! This is exactly what I told that reporter I spoke with last month.
Except it came out something like, "dur... uh... duh.. mommy blogs good ...dur...parenting magazines bad.. uh."
You have a much better way with words. Much!
Posted by: Mary Tsao | August 16, 2006 12:26 AM
One of my first posts almost 2 years ago was about all the things I did as a mom that I hoped no one ever found out about - like trying to make that last diaper last until the next shopping trip or the fact that no one even made it out of their pajamas for two days straight.
Now, I consider them survival skills. I run a household, wrangle two children, take care of my husband's secretarial duties, make multiple meals, run all the errands, handle all the financial affairs, and many other things. At this point, what I am wearing while doing all of this is of such little consequence.
Blogging and sharing with other moms has made me feel a bit more normal.
Posted by: Jen | August 16, 2006 1:01 AM
I know exactly what you mean! Although Mommybloggers wasn't around when mine were young ('cause I'm older than dirt LOL) I did start using the internet almost ten years ago, and through message boards I found other moms who were reading parenting magazines and books and saying, "WTF? Are they serious?" It helped me so much!
This was a great article - I really enjoyed it and I KNOW (ancient voice of experience) that this kind of sharing helps more moms than you'll ever know.
Best wishes to you and all the magnificent Mommybloggers!
Posted by: Marti | August 16, 2006 8:24 AM
I already listen to Karen. And it's gotten me nothing but wego impressions on my feet.
But I love her still.
Posted by: QofS | August 16, 2006 11:03 AM
When my friend Laura was changing the diaper of her first baby, who was two months old at the time, I asked if it was that bad. You know -- because it was HER baby and all. She looked at me, rolled her eyes and said, "It's STILL shit."
Posted by: class-factotum | August 16, 2006 2:52 PM
well that is very true everyone knows their kids so y do we need books to tell us what we already know!!
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