Blew The Lid Right Off
With eight years of parenting under my belt, I've been on cruise control. I've been borderline jaded as the latest milestones come and go for each of my three children. There are benefits to spacing your children closely, one of which is a strong sense of parenting deja vu. Seen it, heard it, diapered it and blogged about it.
Yeah, I thought I had my inner neurotic mother permanently squashed into a neat little compartment, where her nagging doubts and constant overthinking would be muffled by the thick skin I sprouted as part of my veteran mom perks. This last month, however, had my inner neurotic mother springing up out of her little hideaway on a regular basis. I can't seem to keep the lid on her, and she's making me crazy.
I'm rolling my eyes at myself even as I type this. My oldest has been taking horseback riding lessons for half a year, and although she loves riding, and was progressing all summer long, she has suddenly hit a wall of some sort. It started with a pulling back from tacking up her horse with no assistance, and then she insisted on riding only ponies, and then she began to refuse to canter.
"But you love horses!" I insist.
all around the mulberry bush...
"You used to do it all the time!" I cajole.
the monkey chased the weasel...
"Please, just get in the van. I've already paid for these lessons, so you're going," I demand.
The monkey thought 'twas all in fun...
"Why are you afraid? What is the matter? Either get off the horse, or do what your coach says!" With a sudden lurch, inner neurotic mother blows the lid right off her cage.
Pop! Goes the weasel.
While her coach and I both agree that she obviously needs a break from riding, and my daughter agrees, there are still three prepaid lessons to go this month.
Veteran mom says to listen to my heart (the kid isn't having fun, and it doesn't matter what the reason is.)
Inner neurotic mother says solve the puzzle! Conquer the demon! Slay the dragon! There is work to do here!
Veteran mom says that if I'm so worried about the lessons going to waste, I should shut up and take them myself.
Inner neurotic mother says that I'm really close to understanding what caused the change in my daughter's enthusiasm, and by the next lesson, she could be hot to trot. Literally.
Veteran mom says that clearly I've got too much invested in my daughter's riding.
Inner neurotic mother says that if I let her quit without getting her over the fear she's fighting, I'll be doing her a huge disservice. What if she gets the idea that if the going gets tough, you quit? What about that, Veteran Mom? Huh? Huh?
I hate inner neurotic mother. But she won't get back in the box.
Help me hear the voice of reason - do I try to get to the bottom of this, and have her finish out this series of lessons, and then take a few months off and see what she wants to do? Or do I save myself the aggrevation and trust that quitting an activity isn't going to turn my child into a cowering underachiever?
Comments
I can't even begin to tell you how much money we have lost due to one of my kids all of a sudden losing interest in an activity. But I think that sometimes has to happen for them to really find his or her niche. We've finally discoverd both my son and daughter love swimming. But when my daughter began to complain that she "hated" swimming, my own neurotic mother came rushing to the surface and I played that I-'ve-paid-you're-going card. With a little poking and prodding, I discovered she just thought some of the kids in her class were weird, but she doesn't really want to quit. I say, get to the bottom of it. Maybe she truly doesn't want to ride anymore, but maybe there is something else bothering her and she just doesn't know how best to fix the problem (other than quitting the activity).
Posted by: Melissa R. Garrett | November 11, 2006 10:10 AM
While part of me wouldn't want my child to be the quitter that I was, the other more rational and less emotional part says that it's more important to understand what's going on than it is to finish the lessons. That said, I would probably offer my daughter a deal. She woulden't have to finish the lessons if she would try to explain or articulate what is going on her head.
Posted by: Izzy | November 11, 2006 1:46 PM
Would you really consider taking the lessons yourself? If so, DO IT, and take her with you. See how it shakes out.
I had a bad riding accident in my late 20's, and when I got "back in the saddle," the only horse I was comfortable on was the one I had my accident on, ironically. This was before I owned my own horses, and I showed that stallion for his (then) owner (I came to own him later, and for the rest of his life). It was bizarre.
My good-as-gold, familiar TB school-horse somehow now terrified me. I mean, I sat up there and just cried. She just seemed so BIG. Finally, my longtime dressage coach said, "You need to decide whether you want to cry or ride. Either get going, or get down." So I got going, and whatever it was, it went away.
I'm a firm believer of getting "back on the horse," literally, but totally understand your doubts. It's really strange, and obviously meaningful, since it extends all the way to tacking up! You don't say how old your daughter is, but if she's been with the same instructor the whole time she's been riding, perhaps a clinic with another instructor would help? Just as a change of pace? I know that sometimes helped me gain a whole new perspective.
Good luck, whatever you decide.
Posted by: Belinda | November 11, 2006 8:09 PM
I think that by signing up for lessons, you have made (and your daughter) a committment to follow through on them. All. I would use this as a lesson in "finish what you started" more than a "I will win" experience. She wanted the lessons, you signed her up, she now finishes them and if she doesn't want more, then fine.
Posted by: Amnesia | November 14, 2006 12:23 PM
Your kiddo needs to follow through to the end of the lessons. I think what is going on for her will come out by going through the process. I think that I would tell her that she needs to finish, but you love her and want to brainstorm with her on how to make it work.
Posted by: Heather | November 15, 2006 11:50 PM
I agree with Izzy. You will never know for sure until you get her to talk. She may just need to hear herself talk through a fear before it can seem less scary. And because she will not run anymore, I think it's a "fear" that you are working with and not so much a lack of interest.
Posted by: Still Standing | November 19, 2006 4:39 PM
Amnesia makes a great point. I agree, but I also think getting to the bottom of it is a good idea.
Take my own childhood experience:
At 9 years old I was taking piano lessons and progressing really well. But after about a year and a half or so, I started to not like my teacher - he was "weird" in my pre-teen opinion, and as a result I started to not want to take lessons. After several months of complaining, my mother finally let me quit.
To this day, I regret quitting. I wish I would've just told her I wanted a new teacher! Had we "gotten to the bottom of it" I may have enjoyed much more piano than that short year and a half allowed. Maybe you can spare your daughter similar regret - it's worth a try!
Posted by: Beth | November 19, 2006 4:42 PM
What does the coach think?
The skills and esteem provided by working with horses are powerful antidotes to the humiliation routinely dished out to preteen and teen girls and it might be worth a little resentment to at least finish out this round of lessons.
If you have to, bribe her.
Disclaimer: Advice about horses given by a 47 year-old mother of a kindergartener still arrested in her own horse-crazy phase may prove wickedly biased.
Posted by: leolabeth | November 22, 2006 7:16 AM