Mommybloggers Dish with Mel of Stirrup Queens
Mommybloggers: We love the name of your blog - Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters - is there a story behind the name?
Mel: My husband started calling me the Stirrup Queen because I spent so much time with my feet in the stirrups, so to speak. And when you're going through fertility treatments, all of the attention is focused on you and you feel like the Queen Bee, lying on the table, with many people buzzing about, working to get you pregnant. Actually, my uterus was the Queen Bee. The rest of my body was just along for the ride.
My husband also called the donation rooms at our clinic the Sperm Palace. We have many fond memories of those rooms. The person who coordinated the andrology unit was this squat woman with a thick, German accent. She would let me accompany my husband into the room and bark at me every time: "it needs to be a clean sample!"
When we came up with a title for the blog, we decided to go with things we laughed about because…well…with infertility, if you don't laugh, you'll cry.
Mommybloggers: We understand that you are the co-author of an upcoming book on infertility issues - what came first - the book or the blog?
Mel: The book. We were both fuming over an adoption question in an advice column. My parents were equally upset by the columnist's answer. When they came over that night for dinner, we spent a long time complaining about the lack of understanding the fertile world has for the infertile experience. At that point, my mother turned to us and said, "as writers, you guys actually could do something instead of just sitting around complaining about it." Just like a mother to kick you into action.
We also realized early on that we only had our own infertility experience. It's funny—you get set in your own little infertile niche and even though I knew some basic facts about adoption or third party reproduction, my experience was solely treatments and loss. And that's all I could write about. We started the blog to collect stories. And we have collected many stories along the way and we start new interview threads all the time. But the blog has also become my venting place as we start trying to conceive again. This time around, I feel like I have a better outlet for the emotions.
Mommybloggers: You frequently highlight posts from the many talented infertility bloggers. Are your goals for Stirrup Queens focused on creating community, or building a resource?
Mel: Both—we've sort of built exactly what we wished had existed during our first round with infertility. One stop shopping for information, support, and new ideas. A place where you could go before you did your first injection to make sure you were doing it right, and while you're there, also feel supported when you see the advice and good wishes of other people who have also done injections. The one problem with bulletin boards is that you can post a message and have it take hours to be answered. And sometimes you need the information instantly. Treatments are time-sensitive.
So we have a bunch of resources: Operation Heads Up, which is a list of first person accounts and tips regarding common treatments/medications/ procedures. We have an Infertility Books list. And we have the Peer Infertility Counselors List ( http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/09/peer-infertility-counselors.html), which is a list of people who are willing to have you email them with questions (or willing to lend an ear to a vent). Anything from conceiving with donor eggs to parenting twins after infertility. Oh—and we have an enormous blogroll broken down into categories so people can find blogs that mirror their own experience (or read about another path to parenthood that they may be considering). Any new readers should add themselves to all of these lists by emailing me—volunteer to be a peer counselor, add your blog to the blogroll, or suggest new books for the list. And we're always looking for people to do a write up for Operation Heads Up.
I started the Friday Blog Roundup because I read so many infertility and pregnancy loss blogs (including those who are parenting after treatments, adoption, surrogacy, etc) and sometimes I noticed that someone was only receiving one or two comments on a post. I worried that people didn't know about all of these cool, interesting thoughts that were being discussed on these blogs. Sometimes, people tend to stick with the big bloggers and not notice those smaller, newer bloggers. The big bloggers are big for a reason—they're great writers and they've been exploring their thoughts for a long time. But some of the smaller bloggers have equally interesting things to say. I just try to direct people to interesting things to read that they may have missed. My blogroll grows every single day. I have hundreds of blogs broken down into categories. That's a lot of interesting thoughts you may be missing if you don't take some time to peruse the selection.
Mommybloggers: We've witnessed an animosity towards mommyblogging from some of the infertility blogging community. While it is understandable, on many levels, we would like to expose some of the issues behind this, and educate ourselves. What is your take?
Mel: People don't speak about infertility and the media only communicates the negative stories of treatments and adoption. So the general public sometimes doesn't even know what they're saying is offensive. They may have good intentions, but not realize how advice like, "just relax; it will happen" sounds to someone experiencing infertility.
And at the same time, many people who are experiencing infertility feel like they are stuck in a limbo land between two worlds. In their heart, they feel like a Mommy (and I think they are a Mommy—motherhood can begin much earlier than pregnancy or birth), but the rest of the world doesn't consider them a mommy. They may have even been pregnant and lost children and it hurts to be hear other people speaking about their children and know what you're missing. They're not part of that DINKY (double income no kids) crowd anymore (as if there is any income leftover for fun after paying for treatments!) and they're not part of the mommy crowd.
So what could a mommyblogger do in order to reach out to an infertile blogger? Read their blogs in order to get a greater understanding. You don't need to comment or offer advice. In fact, just a sympathetic "I'm sorry" is probably better in the comments section than any advice you could give if you haven't been through the experience. It really does need to work both ways, with Mommies understanding what it took for some women to get there and for infertile bloggers to see and imagine the future.
I love Ann Douglas's pregnancy book because she includes information on getting pregnant. Which may seem strange in a pregnancy book, EXCEPT that many people purchase pregnancy books when they first start trying to conceive. And when it doesn't happen easily, Ann is there to help them along. Most people don't immediately jump to infertility books during the first month of trying. I think it would be helpful for Mommybloggers to take that same thought into the blogging world. People start reading Mommy blogs long before they are mommies. They start reading when they start trying. When they're trying to imagine themselves as a mommy. And it would be helpful to put up some infertility links in a side bar or discuss conception issues from time to time. For about 12% of the population, infertility is a reality. And you don't need to experience it in order to reach out to others who are experiencing it.
Mommybloggers: It is National Infertility Awareness Week this week. While not exactly a celebration - this is an important chance to make others aware. Where do we start?
Mel: Take a few minutes to poke around at Resolve (www.resolve.org) and understand some of the issues at hand. For those who haven't experienced infertility, you may not understand the magnitude of the situation—the financial, emotional, and physical aspects.
Reach out to friends who are going to infertility and lend a willing ear. Pregnancy loss (which is part of the definition for infertility) is much more common than you think. Talk about infertility in order to let others know that you're open to the discussion. Sometimes, a person just needs to hear that the person is willing to talk to start admitting the trouble they're having with conception and carrying to term. If you know someone experiencing infertility, pass along information to a blog like Stirrup Queens where they could find many other people going through a similar experience. Send out a mass email to all your female friends who may be trying to conceive but not informing you about problems and tell them that you found this cool blog chock-full of good infertility information. You may be surprised who pops out of the woodwork.
Make a donation to Resolve—you can do it through their website. They do amazing work to get coverage for fertility treatments and disseminate information.
Mommybloggers: Tell us about the Pomegranate Thread movement - how can we help spread the word?
Mel: Infertility's Common Thread began when a reader lamented the fact that there wasn't a way to signal to other women that she was infertile and find other infertile women. Infertility is just something that many people don't discuss. She was also pregnant after five losses and still felt like she was part of the pregnancy loss/infertility world. She didn't feel part of the average motherhood world. So she wanted a way to discreetly let other people know that she was infertile in case they wanted to ask her questions, feel supported, etc.
We brainstormed and came up with the idea of a pomegranate-coloured thread (pomegranates are a symbol of fertility)—embroidery thread #814—which could be purchased at any sewing store or craft shop in America. It was easy to throw a few threads in the mail. It was inexpensive. People could knot it into bracelets, wrap it a few times around their wrist, or adorn it with beads. It was discreet.
We have a write up on my blog that compiles all the brainstorming and thoughts that went into the project. People are putting the icon on their blog and posting a link to the compilation (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread.html ). We've been asking if people post about it that they provide the link since it goes through the whole history and give credit to the many women (and man!) who helped with the write up and bring the idea to fruition. And the more people who post, the better. As I said in my post for National Infertility Awareness Week, post it everywhere--blog about it, make a t-shirt and wear it, write it in soap on your car, make bumper stickers, bring threads to other women in the clinic waiting room during your next day-3 bloodwork, make flyers, leave threads tucked into fertility books at the library with a note, tape threads to boxes of ovulation predictor kits at the local food store, write in to your local newspaper.
I'm always looking at wrists when I'm out and about.
Mommybloggers: We have to ask - what do you think of the term "Mommyblogger" - do you consider yourself a mommyblogger?
Mel: I'm definitely a mommyblogger. I mean, currently, I am a mommy (I have two-year-old twins). But even before that, I was a mommy in my heart. I went through a lot to have these kids. I had the mindset of pregnancy long before I ever became pregnant and carried to term.
And I think mommyhood is beautiful. The majority of mommies are helpful and supportive. They give you advice when you have a question. They commiserate. They share their coffee… Mothers reach out to one another. They watch out for each other's children. I'm proud to be a member of the community. And since my kids rock, I love talking about them. To everyone.
Mommybloggers: Here are our questions that we ask everyone:
1. What is your favorite parent related word?
"I lubby you, Mommy" (translation: I love you, Mommy)
2. What is your least favorite parent related word?
"Now!" Especially when it is shouted by one twin while the other one needs me.
3. What is your favorite creative censored curse word used around children?
We took all of our favourite curse words and turned them into initials. So we still call each other SFB (shit-for-brains) or MF (motherfucker) in front of the kids. But it's all just a mass of letters that can be explained in so many ways. Such as, Mommy just called Daddy a "sweet, fun boy" for SFB.
4. What is your favorite hiding place within your home when you need to get away from it all?
I make them hide. I make my husband take our kids downstairs into Little Tykes Land and I get the run of the middle level of the house.
5. What hiding place have you been found in too often and can no longer use?
Probably Starbucks. I always have a fear that they're going to pop through the door during one of those afternoons when I get a few hours to go off and read/write.
6. If Oprah exists, what would you like to hear her say when you arrive at the Oprah Winfrey show when she features the Mommybloggers?
You are even more beautiful in person! How do you do it?
Please pay a visit to our lovely guest Mel over at her fantastic blog Stirrup Queens, and check back tomorrow as we turn the blog over to Mel!
Comments
You nailed it right here:
"They may have even been pregnant and lost children and it hurts to be hear other people speaking about their children and know what you're missing."
After our stillborn, I would hear the complaining and want to scream, "At least you have your child!"
I totally admire your ability to bring the two worlds together. You are amazing! As someone who has been through loss and now motherhood, I applaud you! (And am now off to get my pomegranate Thread!)
Posted by: Jenn | November 1, 2006 5:02 PM
Mel, I definitely hear you about women being stuck between the two worlds.
When I was struggling for over 3 years trying to conceive, one of the most painful parts was being excluded from my other friends lives.
Their social events now revolved around kids birthday parties and play dates and so I was never invited. It was so painful. As if infertility is not bad enough, when you add being excluded from the club and losing all your friends it becomes unbearable.
When Janice and I named our blog "5 Minutes for Mom" we were very aware of this difficult issue of excluding women who are not yet or are unable to become mothers.
We explain on our site that "We use the term 'Mom' to include everyone who loves children and is interested in the types of things that generally interest moms."
But still we do feel badly about the fact that many women would be immediately turned away by our name. Also, I imagine some wouldn't want to read our blog because of the pictures of kids all over... but I suppose that would depend on the individual.
But I definitely want to echo your desire to see the world of mommy bloggers and infertility bloggers unite. We are all women who love children.
Posted by: Susan (5 Minutes for Mom) | November 2, 2006 1:31 PM