I do understand your pain and frustration, completely. Jacob, 5, is my middle child and the one that can make life wonderful or miserable in our home. I also have a seven and a 17-month-old daughter. From the moment he was born, I felt something was amiss with Jacob. He was SO difficult, and in my sleep-deprived, depressed, frustrated state-of-mind, I did my fair share of complaining. It all escalated when he turned 15 months old - everything was a struggle. Although he now has more good days than bad, he has drastic mood swings. We are now in the process of seeing a pediatric behavior specialist because there is a worry he may have Asperger's Syndrome (on the autism spectrum). If anything, I need help in being the kind of mother he needs, and I need the tools to teach others how to be around him. I often feel like my own mother doesn't love him. She doesn't ever play one-on-one with him when she visits and doesn't ever hug or kiss him. Yet she always wants to be with my daughters. And what's worse is that he is very aware of the favoritism telling me that his heart is broken. I feel like I am the only one who unconditionally loves my son, and it's sometimes difficult for me. Anyway, I wanted to at least let you know I understand. You are not alone.

Sending hugs and best wishes your way . . .

Maybe you are going to have to trick her back into thinking The Youngest is good.

Whenever he comes up talk about how much better he is and how he has come such a long way and has turned into such a wonderful little boy, even on the days he makes you crazy.

If you convinced her that easily of the one thing, maybe it will work the other way too.

You know, I live this sort of situation as you know Karen, however it's with my own mother. Out of my 4 kids, my oldest is the star. My daughter is kind of a star because she's the only girl. My 18 year old is an afterthought and my 10 year old is viewed as a pest, "not much of a talker" (ummm hello??? he's a Selective Mute!) and while he invokes an "awww" here and there, not much attention is paid to him. He was my hard child because he has so many challenges that brought on challenges for hubby and I (to which I rarely got a break from certain family members). And I honestly don't believe because you voiced your worries/complaints/stresses about Thomas, that it's your fault that he's treated differently. For some people, they just don't want to deal with a child that isn't "as easy" or is "busy" or "active". Believe me, I know. But I also know, that those "busy" and "active" children are a joy to be with, they make you laugh like nobody's business and all those times you run around and think you'll fall over from pure exhaustion are worth the fun and happiness they bring to a home and family. It's her loss if she doesn't bother to get to know her grandson. He's got 2 parents, a big brother and many extended family/friends that love him and realize, that he really is a super kid.

Thank you for a big eye opener. I have no advice. I am in the same situation. It is more comforting than you can imagine to know that I am not alone. Perhaps as your son gets a bit older their relationship will improve. Perhaps we (moms with difficult ones) should attempt to point out to the little ones how their behavior effects how others treat them. Perhaps their is a non-judgemental age appropriate way to do this. Like look at that little one over there who is having a tantrum, now look at his mommy, is she happy or sad or mad. Look at that kid over there who is talking in a nice voice, look at his mommy is she happy or sad or mad? Play games like that to teach the onry ones how to see the result of their behavior? I don't know?

Reading this, I could have been reading my own diary. My youngest too, being The First of The Grandchildren, can do no wrong my mother's eyes. My youngest, however, is always the one to be blamed for things even when we are all in the room and can see he didn't so anything but defend himself.
Unfortunately, there is no easy way to get it into the womans head that she is ruining what should be a wonderful relationship between grandmother and grandson. The only thing I can hope is that it hits her soon, that she is pushing him away, and that when she does realize what she's done and wants to be apart of his life, he will be tired of being put down and refuse to go on overnights to grandma's house. My son adores my mother as well, and to see the hurt in his eyes when she snaps at him for something not of his doing, has caused her to lose time with both children.
Last year about this time, I had entirely too much of it and refused to let her see either child. I was called all sorts of nasty names, and unfortunately, I still to this day, do not think she understands why I did it, even though I've told her repeatedly.
I'm sorry that your husband won't support your decision to move to where the kids can be loved fully for themselves, and not preconceived attitudes of how they are. I pray that sometime soon he sees what is going on and supports you and your decisions with the children.
Keep your head up, you are not alone.

Thank you for this post. It certainly rang some bells.

I have heard from more than a few mothers that the second child is always the hardest. Even when other children follow. Even if we do the same things for all our kids, they have different personalities. And when we have more than one kids the younger kids will never get all the attention that the first got when he was the only.

Don't beat yourself up about how you may or may not have gotten to this point. Who knows, your MIL might have been pre-disposed to think more highly of your oldest, no matter what. People play favorites, whether they mean to or not. Maybe Youngest will develop a relationship with his grandfather. Remember that he is excited to stay overnight with his grandparents,
try to relax.

Also, get yourself healthy and happier. Your child is likely feeding off your emotions and depression makes it harder to fight illness. Maybe it won't take meds, maybe therapy or an outlet where you can start having positives flow your way.

Take a deep breath. You love your son.

my oldest is the "difficult" one in the family. However, she's also the oldest grandchild, so she gets the double-edged sword.

One side of the family will do anything and everything to be with my kids (all of them) the other side will only take one at a time, and for very discrete intervals (or with me in attendance). My in-laws will rarely do anything with them without a parent there (regardless of physical distance).

I think that some of the issue is your ppd, but some is your MIL's crap. Have you read "Siblings Without Rivalry"? a lot of it is useless if you have a kid with real issues, but there is a lot of talk of not pigeonholing a child, which I really liked.

My last thought before I close this overlong comment is that maybe your MIL would read a letter that is similar to what you wrote here? I think it can be easier to express complex thoughts via writing vs on the phone, as you have fewer distractions.

But as others said - deep breaths. you are there for T, and you will make sure he succeeds. Your family's love and care will carry him through rough spots.

I was the "good kid." My brother was the tough one. He's about four years younger than me. My mom stayed home with both of us, homeschooled me through the sixth grade and my brother through the second grade - she just couldn't get him to listen to her, though he behaved fine for other teachers. He was strong-willed, active, and had a mind of his own (big no-nos in a conservative family). Secretly, I was always jealous that he got to be his own person and I did not. I had expectations to live up to. Everyone expected him to act up, so when he did, they accepted it better than if I would have done the same things.

Concerning you, my dear, and your sanity, antidepressants could be an option. There are some that do not cause weight gain. I have been on several different things at different times, and Wellbutrin does not cause weight gain in almost anyone. It also regulates serotonin and norepinephrine, which tends to balance the chemicals better than just your average SSRI (like Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, etc.). There's also a new one similar to Wellbutrin called Cymbalta. I don't know as much about that one, as it hit the market fairly recently and I haven't had the chance to research it yet. You'd have to do some online research, but I do know it also addresses both of the neurotransmitters like Wellbutrin does.

My parents are wonderful people. They love their children. They do their best. But they made one big mistake. When it became apparent that my brother had anger issues and was stubborn and at times defiant (and it was determined he had none of the behavioral issues that are so often overdiagnosed), they berated him. "If you don't get control of that temper, you'll never amount to anything but a drug dealer and you'll end up in jail." And then Shane and I would hide under the table and I would do my best to undo the hurt and make him believe in himself. He may have been difficult, but he had a heart of gold, and he loved his family fiercely.

He's all grown up now. Married with a little boy he adores and a wife who is just amazing. He's got issues, but he still has a heart of gold, and he wants to be a better man. My parents still don't believe in him. I still do, but I'm just his sister, and that's not the same.

There are no easy answers. But the most obvious one (and the most often ignored by selfless moms) is to take care of you. Make sure that you are okay. If you brain is fuzzy, you won't be able to make the best decisions for your family. If you need to improve your mental health, then do it. Do not hesitate. And if it comes down to it, would you rather deal with a few extra pounds or a kid who thinks he's no good? Extreme example, I know, and I'm not saying those are your only options. Just to make you think.