Mommy Bloggers: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but the way you make me feel changes me

Carmen of Mom to the Screaming Masses recently posted some quotes. One of them in particular stood out for me.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Now, as an adult I have learned this lesson well and often. It doesn't always matter what lip service someone gives you. Whether or not they tell you that they admire you, respect you or want the best for you, do their actions show it? Because those particular words will probably fade from your memory. If they offered you something 'out of the goodness of their heart' but it later backfired, you may not remember the circumstances around the event in the same way later, but you will remember how someone made you feel. Good or bad.

No matter what is said or done for you, it is how someone makes you feel that will stay with you for a much longer time. Words and actions are important, but the way they make someone feel is an altogether different story, it has an impact that lasts a much longer time.

This is especially true for our children.

How do you make your children feel? Do you tell them that they are responsible and trust worthy yet not give them any responsibility around the house or not trust them in the most basic of ways? How do you think it will make them feel? Will the words matter or the feelings created be what shapes them.

Or on the flip side, when you child has done something praise worthy, do you remember to tell them how proud you are? When you catch them in some random act of kindness, do you remember to praise them for their actions? It isn't in the words. It isn't in the rewards. It is in the way your actions and words make your children feel.

As an adult I have learned how important it is to ensure your words and actions are not hollow.

As a parent I realized that it is not only important, but vital to your child's emotional and behavioral health.

I will admit there are days when my kids make me nuts. I can scream. I can rant. But when it moves to a level where I make them feel badly about themselves separate from an action, then I have some real work to do with them.

Our words. Our actions. They impact our children. How we make them feel about themselves is one of our top jobs as parents. So, next time that snarky comment or unwarranted insult is about to pop, stop and think. Even after an apology, how will they feel? If you are not okay with it, re-examine your communication.

Just this week I watched as my three children played nicely and respectfully together. I watched and smiled and then went back to what I was doing. I almost missed the chance to tell them how it warmed my heart to see it. So, I stopped, went back and let them know how special it was for me to watch them and that I was proud of them. Each one of them (even the teen) smiled. It made them feel good to know they were doing something positive together. Maybe the next time one of them wants to play with the other two, they will stop and remember how good it felt to get along and see Mom so proud.

Or not.

Ten minutes later they were fighting.

In any case, remember how powerful you are to your children. How they feel makes all the difference in who they are and who they become.

Comments

Okay, okay, I'll change!! Get off my back already!!

Just kidding. I read Carmen's post, too. She's right; you're right.

It's particularly painful for me when I can actually *see* my child's spirit wither after I say something mean-spirited in a moment of anger. It's in their eyes...

Posted by: Mary Tsao | July 2, 2007 9:43 PM

That is so so true!

Posted by: RLGelber | July 2, 2007 10:23 PM

I couldn't have agreed with you more.

I'm a new mother and I am learning the ropes as to how my little actions mean the world to my little one.

Posted by: Susan | July 2, 2007 11:08 PM

Wonderful post. What I try to remember also (and remind my husband) is it's the way you treat them and act around your kids day to day, not that one time you lost it or the one birthday party they missed that will stick with them.

Posted by: Nicole/wksocmom | July 3, 2007 1:49 PM

Great post. So true.

Posted by: Mama Zen | July 4, 2007 8:34 AM

Thank you for the reminder. I read that too, and it's worth repeating.

Great picture by the way!

Posted by: Kris | July 15, 2007 10:48 AM

I love what you wrote, it's so very true. We are having a trying time with my now 10 year old. It's exhausting. I wish I could write about it, but I'm scared that'll he'll read it someday when he is older. I would love some feedback on it though.

I'm to the point of feeling like he's really not my son, I never get to see the good side of him. It's always the lies, the mistrust, the anger. I feel like there is something going on but he won't allow us in, and we don't know how to follow that blind path to find it.

I feel like I'm failing as his mom. But I keep trying to figure him out, knowing everyone is different and special in his own way. I try showing him my values, thinking maybe without me knowing they'll rub off on him.

Jillian

Posted by: jillian | November 5, 2007 4:16 PM

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but the way you make me feel changes me

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