Greetings. I am Mamacita of Scheiss Weekly, and I'm quite old. This fact does indeed make me a little wiser, but not much. You'll see.

I have two children but they don't live here any more. The ungrateful little tykes had the nerve to grow up and move out.

I don't understand their thinking. How can I monitor their every move if they're thirty miles away? How can I make sure their friends all come from nice homes? How can I be positive that parties always have at least two chaperones, and that the chaperones are my age? How can I be familiar with every piece of clothing in their closets, and how can I guarantee to the world that all their clothes are clean and mended at all times? And when did they start choosing and buying all these clothes that have never hung in any closet in my house? Will they be sure to wear warm socks in this cold weather? Both of them are wearing winter coats not chosen and purchased by me; what's up with that? Where did all that healthy food in their refrigerators come from, and where are the Twinkies and frozen pizzas? Did they learn to like spinach and lima beans in my house? Because I sure don't like lima beans. . . .

What if they have a boss who isn't nice to them, and doesn't say "please" and "thank you" every time he/she deals with them? What if they have a co-worker who doesn't understand that they musn't be treated like all the other employees? What if they run out of money before their next payday? What if the utility people don't understand that they're just little children, and that if they forget to pay a bill that's no reason to turn off their power?

When did it cease to be my responsibility for any of these things, and become THEIR responsibility? Did it happen all at once or was it gradual? I've seen them out in public, talking to people I don't know. Is that SAFE? Can they really remember to turn the stove off before they leave their houses? What if they run out of toilet paper or tampons or shampoo? Do they know how to use coupons and find bargains?

Actually, they do. Did they learn these things from me? I don't know. I'd like to think so, but I don't remember sitting down with them and saying things like "Always keep a spare package of toilet paper because when you need it, you need it." I really can't recall any conversations about vitamins and proper portions and how a crockpot can be your best friend.

I asked my kids about these things the other day, and after they stopped laughing at me - "Mom, you're so INSECURE!!!" - they said they learned these things by just being part of our family and watching how we did things.

At least, I think that's what they said. There was also something about "The Hard Way" and my mind imploded. . . don't they know that all they had to do was ASK MOMMY.

Except, they don't live with Mommy any more. Phone-wise, I'm long-distance.

You young parents who think having toddlers and small children is the hard part? Just you wait.

Now, I'm going to go crank up some Fogie Rock, because it's quiet as a tomb in here and it's driving me bonkers.