Mommyhood is a Job, Too
Last Wednesday I lost my job, and while it sucks to not work, I have gotten over the shock of the tragic situation and learned to embrace my time at home.
At first I thought I would go mad. The day after my employer told me he couldn't afford me, I freaked out. I sulked. I cried. Then I realized it isn't the end of the world and began tackling the housework I neglected before.
This house is almost spotless. I'm actually vacuuming every single day. When I worked 40+ hours a week, I was lucky to vacuum once a week. The dishes are done within in 30 minutes of dirtying them. Dawson's room has stayed clean for a record 31 hours. Beds are made. Toilets are sparkling. My kitchen floor is so clean you could eat right from it.
And the laundry is clean. And put away. (In drawers and closets!) It's a miracle.
Besides cleaning the house, I've had the opportunity to keep Dawson home with me. I've learned so much about my son and I almost feel guilty for working and missing so much about his life.
For example, he likes corn dogs. It may sound ridiculous that I'm excited about this, but I am. I never bought them before, because he ate plain hot dogs without the bun. So when we were grocery shopping and he demanded I get corn dogs because he had them at Renee's house (his daycare provider), I was caught by surprise.
I have really enjoyed having time to read books and play games and run around the house playing "Run, Jump, Chase" and it's actually fun. I never thought I'd like being a kid again.
If I never have to work outside the house ever again, I would be insanely happy.
My husband, also known as the compulsive worrier, has been very supportive during what he calls my "Figuring Things Out Period." Yet despite the immaculate house and the well-rounded, less defiant 3-year-old (because Mom is home all day and has time to pay attention to him), I can sense he is eagerly awaiting the day I get a job and bring in some money to pay some bills.
Recently, I've been given some opportunities to work from home, but I feel like my husband thinks this isn't good enough. He hasn't actually said the words, but there is a feeling in the air. I refuse to be the first person to bring up the subject.
I know that women and men are different. It's the whole Venus and Mars thing; I get that. I'm trying my best to put myself into his shoes and understand his frame of mind, but I want him to do the same.
Raising a child (and in our family, I spend the most time rearing our son) and working is very difficult. When I had a job, I often felt guilty for placing my son into someone else's care while I spent eight hours behind a desk.
I hoped and prayed for an opportunity to spend more time with Dawson. In a way, I think getting laid off was a blessing in disguise. But my husband makes subtle remarks like, "I'm glad you're enjoying this time, before you know it you'll be back to work."
It's almost insulting. Why do I have to get in a car and go to work somewhere to be considered a valuable member of this marriage? Being Mommy is hard work. It's a job that receives no monetary compensation. But it's a job I love.
Over the last seven days, I've discovered that I'm good at this. I've been given a second chance to prove it to myself and I'm so grateful.
I've always said I'm a wife and mother first, and an employee second. My priority will always be my family over a career. Is that wrong? I don't believe so. But why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong in my husband's eyes?
I want to so badly to be a work-at-home-mom. Do you have any suggestions or advice? How do I discuss this delicate subject with my husband?
Comments
I am a work-at-home mom and although it has its challenges, it is worth it to be home for my girls. Perhaps your husband still can't see this as a permanent solution because it is still so new. I always figured that I'd have the rest of my life to work full time outside of my home, but I can't keep my kids from growing up! I don't want to miss anything....and, that sounds like that is what is in your heart, as well.
Perhaps, you can suggest to your husband that you do this for a trial period of 6 months to a year and then take a look at how it is working for all of you.
Posted by: melissa | February 28, 2008 10:32 AM
Melissa, that's a great idea. A trial period. I don't know why I didn't think of that. I think I'm going to mark that on my list of suggestions.
Posted by: Dana | February 28, 2008 10:44 AM
I'm sorry you lost your job Dana, but I'm glad you've had this time with Dawson.
I was in a similar siuation when Dylan was little and as you know, never looked back. I found something I loved and work hard at it. Time you list your strengths! We noticed how much we saved on gas, daycare, coffees, clothing, lunches etc (all costs of me working) and the good (being at home with kid) outweighed the bad.
Posted by: Karen Sugarpants | February 28, 2008 12:12 PM
Hi Dana-
I suppose I should offer happy condolences? Stressful to lose the job, happy to realize what's great about being home.
I would say be honest and undemanding- lay out your ideal- then sit down and work it out. Break down your budget. Can you swing in on one paycheck? If not, how much do you need to bring in monthly? What luxuries are you willing to give up? How closely do you currently track expenditures?
I did things like switch to a cash budget for household expenses, gas, and extras. When my budget's gone, my budget's gone. It's not actually that extreme, but that's the game I play to make it fun.
Hope you guys come up with a plan that works for you.
Perhaps a side job teaching people *cough* me * how to make their home sparkle. How can I possibly blog and develop online relationships and clean my house?
Sigh. There are only so many hours...
Good Luck!
Posted by: Meg | February 28, 2008 3:18 PM
I think both of the previous suggestions are the way to go. Make a list of money saved including things like groceries, gas, sitters, clothes, etc. That alone can be pretty convincing.
Then brainstorm the working from home thing. Come up with some real possibilities to suggest. Offer a trial period for seeing how finances work out. But suggest you consider more than finances. I recommend that you ask your husband to watch your kids over the next few months and see what kind of positive influence a full-time mom might have on them.
He may discover there is a lot going for this stay at home plan you've come up with!
Posted by: Darlene Sinclair | February 28, 2008 6:03 PM
Thanks for all the good advice. I think you all are right. :) I'm making a list of things I want to say to the hubs, otherwise I'll forget and sound like an idiot.
Posted by: Dana | February 28, 2008 7:33 PM
You (and he) may find that a detailed analysis will show working outside the home costs almost as much as it brings in. Between child care and other job-related costs, you might be able to show that your family can be more frugal if you're home.
Posted by: Daisy | February 28, 2008 8:28 PM
i'm working part-time outside of the home. i have no daycare. i have my MIL one day, and the other times, i work nights and weekends so Daddy is home with the kids.
First point, think how much of your salary would go to the daycare provider. then think of the COSTS of working. the coffee on the way. the morning snack. Going out for lunch. Gas. Wardrobe. Picking up supper on the way home because you're too exhausted to think about cooking. it goes on and on.
but to me, the most important thing is TIME. Time with my kids. Even if we aren't doing anything but laying on the couch watching TV because it's blizzarding for the millionth time this winter, they are spending this time with ME. And they aren't going to be little forever.
I suspect my work schedule will change once they go to school, but for now, this works for us.
Posted by: chrissie | March 2, 2008 10:56 PM
I too was laid off from my job last March and was given a glimpse of life at home and the difference it made in my children. I was called back to that same job just a few weeks later so I didn't take the time to investigate and prepare for that very same conversation with my husband and oh how I regret it. I would give anything now to work from home and be with my children - no matter the job. Good luck and I really hope it works for you.
Posted by: Jules | March 17, 2008 8:19 AM