I found the following tucked away in a corner of Henry's crib. I am so onto him.

Date: April 1, 2005
To: Child 4A0765B-1007@children.com, toddler_unit@children.com
From: Kevin, VP, Toddler Division
Subject: Quarterly Objectives

Happy new year, company members! As you know, our first quarter was a fruitful and productive one. By working together to delay our bedtimes, we acquired over 53,000 extra hours of valuable awake time. That’s 53,000 more hours of running in circles. 53,000 more hours of shaking our heads wildly and arching our backs. 53,000 more hours of the Parents straining to communicate that toothbrushes do not go in the diaper. We have seen the Parents falter and ultimately give way under our consistent efforts, and we are proud.

It should be mentioned that some of our members have made great strides in drastically limiting the variety of foodstuffs they allow to enter their face-holes. We are thinking especially of Child 3A0762C-0908, who now ingests only raisins and lukewarm water sipped from a plastic spork; Child 5B0755F-0528: ketchup on crackers and the occasional mashed grape; and, most breathtakingly, Child 8A0576L-0108: plain dried breadcrumbs licked off a moistened index finger.

For the second quarter of 2005, we’ve strengthened our resolve and shown what a little determination and a lot of screeching can accomplish. And we are ready for the next phase: Operation No-Pants.

Every morning without failing, the Caregivers initiate a dressing procedure that is tiresome at best and scratchy at worst. It distracts us from our viewing of Elmo and limits our access to our smooth smooth skin. Their motives are puzzling: either they are jealous of our smooth smooth skin or else are attempting to break our wills by imposing nonsensical rules and demanding that we comply. But they will not succeed, friends. Because we will resist.

So: no matter how sopping wet or poop-crammed your diaper is, refuse to let Caregiver remove it. Declare that diaper to be your FAVORITE DIAPER. Do not allow any larger beings to lay a finger on it. For motivation, imagine that said diaper is part of your body, like a real tushie over your tushie. If any attempt is made to remove it, you will scream. Remember: the Scream is your friend. Caregivers live in fear of the Scream. If you add to the Scream “No hit! No hit!” they’re sure to back away for fear of the authorities coming after them.

Once a clean diaper is on very little can stop them from dressing you. The soiled diaper is your last and best hope.

Now that you’ve mastered toddler-ese, use it! Declare your opinions at each and every turn, and make sure that they are as vague and baffling as your pronunciation. If Caregiver explains that dressing is a vital step in a traveling-to-playground initiative, screech, “Murfy! TOO MURFY!” Do not explain. Never explain.

But why do we resist, you ask? Why not get dressed and enter the playground, where fun could possibly had? Because, that’s why. Because because because. Because we must take every stand we are able to take. Also! Because Caregiver is deceiving you. There is another, better playground, a Naked Playground, with balloons and ice cream and cake. The soiled diaper will lead the way. This is true, we think.

Onward!

Kevin

Originally posted on May 16, 2005 - For more Alice, check her out at BlogHer 2006's Mommyblogging panel, and at Finslippy.

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Alice really needs no introduction, but we will go ahead with it anyway.....

The Mommybloggers are exceedingly proud to feature the talented Alice Bradley of Finslippy.

For those of you unfamiliar with her work, we first wonder where you have BEEN for Pete's sake, and then suggest you go to her blog and start reading. Be prepared to cackle with laughter, and then be prepared to wonder where she learned to DO that. The writing. There's magic in it.

We asked a few of her fans what they think. This is what they had to say:

Mary Feels adoration and a wee bit of envy for her:

Alice is one of the best writers in the Blogosphere. She is funny and her quirky self-effacing style is all her own. Even when she is writing about something horrible and personal, I find myself laughing my ass off. Unfortunately, after I laugh my ass off, I usually want to cry and then burn whatever it is I am writing at the moment. Yes, I am a tad envious of the Finslippy's powerful prose, but aren't we all?

Mrs. Kennedy admires the gamut Alice runs when she weaves her tales:

Alice is one of the few writers, Internet or otherwise, who can make me LOL. She always says the unexpected thing; her posts can turn on a dime from laughter to tears. Melissa of Suburban Bliss once said something to the effect of that whenever she saw that Alice had updated Finslippy, her heart skipped a beat. I don't think I can say it any better than that.

She had Jenijen at thrice:

I admire Alice for her double super powers of writing so very well and so very honestly. Last summer at BlogHer we were in the Mommyblogging audience together and she said something (oh shit, I THINK, but maybe I've forgotten the context) about how she didn't want her (mommy)blog to come across as: "Today Henry pooped thrice." And, well, she had me at "thrice!" I've been happily reading ever since. Also, Alice is really cool. The kind of cool that you might go home and secretly try to copy, say fashionwise, but maybe you wouldn't really admit that because it sounds stalkerish even though it totally is not.

Julie can relate to her:

Where do I start? She is AMAZING. I remember quotes from her posts even months after she's published them - that's how much her writing sticks with me. And her stories about moving from Brooklyn to New Jersey have been making me cry (I'm still homesick myself).

Beth appreciates her great work:

It is critically important that you not read Finslippy if there is a sleeping child in the house, because you will certainly wake them up with your snorting and howling. Alice's writing is hilarious, but also a highly-intelligent running commentary on a carefully observed life. Every time I read one of Alice's posts, I find myself wishing that I could have written it, but then I would miss out on the extreme pleasure of reading it and that would be too great a sacrifice to make.

Julie loves Alice's candor:

The thing I love most about Alice's blog is her thoughtful honesty. Most recently, her descriptions of her family's adjustment moving from the city to the 'burbs has really touched me. It isn't easy to be so forthcoming in a blog, especially on one that has as many readers as hers does. I have a tremendous amount of respect for her writing and her willingness to put it all out there.

Tracey doesn't leave much to question:

Beneath Alice's mild-mannered exterior lurks the heart of an asskicking kung-fu master of most righteous storytelling. Don't make her angry. You won't like her when she's angry. Saying I love and admire Alice is like saying the Titanic had a little accident, or that Paris Hilton is mildly repulsive. I adore both the woman and the succulent, juicy nuggets of brilliance she shares with all of us on Finslippy. Alice, you fucking rock. [insert me giving The Goat. HARD.]

Amanda adores her in person and from afar:

Before I met Alice, I thought she was the funniest writer on the web. I mean, did you read that toddler quarterly objectives letter?!? But then I met her and I realized that writing isn’t really what she does best – BEING ALICE is her true talent. She talks EXACTLY how she writes – she’s that brilliant ALL THE TIME. She is the funniest human I’ve ever met.

She makes JenB laugh, among other things:

i love alice with the fire of a thousand suns. she is wicked smart and mind bogglingly funny. like pee a little funny. she can spin a yarn like very few people can. she is a genius talent as a writer and a human being.

Alice, whatever you do, please make sure it involves writing, because we can't get enough.

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