The following entry has been written by this week's special guest, Asha Dornfest.

I’m not a Mother. Mothers are elemental, all-seeing, fierce when necessary. I’m too tired to be fierce.

Am I a Mom? I try not to dress like a mom, I’m not a soccer mom (yet). When people ask me what I do, I never mumble “I’m just a mom” as if it were a menial job or a last resort.

Please don’t call me Mommy. Mommy’s house, children and car are immaculate. Mommy bakes from scratch. Mommy listens actively. Mommy drinks decaf. Mommy is reasonable. I’m definitely not a Mommy.

Mama. What about mama? Like queer, mama has been reclaimed. Mamas are hip. Mamas question authority. Mamas buy wooden toys, publicly dis parenting manuals (but privately read them), wear tattoos, participate in demonstrations, and have lots of fascinating things going on in addition to mamahood. I’d like to think I’m a mama, I’m not sure I cut it.

I spend more time than I care to straightening, organizing and sanitizing, but I’m not a Housewife. I saw a bumper sticker that put it well: “I am not a housewife for the simple reason that I did not marry a house.”

So what am I? I can tell you what I used to be. A long time ago, I was a Kid. Being a Kid turned into being a Student, which I was for many years (for a few of those years, I moonlighted as a Girlfriend). After I graduated and got a job, I was at times a Human Resources Assistant, a Director of Volunteer Programs, and a Web Page Designer. I then left the nine-to-five world and became a Writer. Along the way, I also became a Wife.

After being a Wife for many years, I became pregnant, and eagerly awaited my next title: Mother. I figured it would slide on as comfortably as all the previous titles had. Soon enough my son arrived, and I reveled in the boy’s intensity and beauty. But when people casually asked me how it felt to be a Mother, a part of me shifted around, as if the new title were riding up a little and needed to be tugged back into place.

Mother didn’t fit as well as I had expected.

My previous titles had coexisted peacefully enough, but Mother was having none of that. She barreled through, arms swinging, sending my old titles flying as if they were flimsy cardboard facades. It was Mother or nothing. Even Asha, the title I’d had since I was born, was no match for Mother. For several dark months, Asha fled the scene altogether.

Our battle had left me bruised, but gradually I edged back into the light and managed to elbow a small space next to Mother. I rejoiced in my growing son, but I also mourned the loss of my old titles and the self-worth I’d attached to them. I raged at Mother for obliterating those titles. Later, I tried to reshape myself to fit inside what I believed Mother should be, not unlike dieting to fit into a dress that’s too small.

Finally, exhausted, I surrendered. Mother had won. I let myself be carried away by the endless parade of diaper changes, storytimes, and preschool dropoffs. I resigned myself to a domestic routine that lacked the drama and recognition of my previous jobs, but contained a quiet magic I could only appreciate once I was no longer struggling. After a time, I couldn’t remember why Mother and I had fought so bitterly.

The birth of my second child gave me a chance to revisit Mother. Her grip had loosened. She was no longer the steely, thick-ankled figure I went up against when my son was born; experience had softened her. I detected a generous spark in her steady gaze. I would even describe her as beautiful.

So here I am, finally at peace with being a mother. And yet, I’m still not sure what to call myself. Mother, Mom, Mommy, Mama…none of these titles describes me completely.

Sometimes, I’m a mother, with flashes of ferocity and power and beauty. Often, I’m a mom, dragging myself home with a take-and-bake pizza and a video for the kids. I’ve reveled in being a Mommy, making my kids’ Halloween costumes and occasionally baking flamboyant birthday cakes. I catch glimpses of my intelligent, meet-the-world-head-on inner mama. Through it all, I’m Asha.

It’s late afternoon, and I hear my son’s siren song from the other room. ”Maaaah-meeeee!”

Yeah, that’s me.

Read more from the wonderful Asha Dornfest at her blogs: Ashaland and Parent Hacks

Posted by mommybloggers at 7:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Mommybloggers: Asha, The mommybloggers are so pleased to have a chance to feature you. Thank you so much for sharing your talents with us.

One word comes to mind after having searched out your work. Busy. You seem to be very busy. And also very accomplished. To name a few of your credentials: You have published several books including, FrontPage 2003 for Dummies, Do It Yourself Web Publishing with Word, ABC’s of Pagemill 2, and Dummies 101: FrontPage 98. You’ve contributed to several print and online publications: Hip Mama (A personal favorite), Organic Family Magazine, Literary Mama, Mothers Movement Online, Mamazine and Imperfect Parent. You blog at Ashaland and Urban Mamas. The icing on the cake is the blog you created and edit: Parent Hacks. To quote my late grandmother, Eegads! Where do you find the time?

Asha: Where, indeed! First of all, my tech books were published before my kids were born (my son is 6 ½ and my daughter is almost 3). The only tech writing I’ve done post-kid has been to revise FrontPage for Dummies every couple of years. I didn’t start writing about motherhood in earnest until my son was in preschool. Before that I jotted down the odd essay or journal entry when I could find the time and brainpower (both were in short supply during the early years).

Now, I write in the evenings, on weekends while my husband hangs out with the kids and I’m off-duty at the café (free wifi!), or when the kids are visiting their grandparents. Blogging is ideal because it’s one of the few types of writing that lends itself to 3-15 minute chunks of time. My computer’s in the kitchen, so if I’m lucky I can dash out a few posts while dinner’s cooking, or first thing in the morning.

Mommybloggers: Asha, we want to learn a little more about you. Where did you grow up? What kind of a kid were you?

Asha:I grew up in the suburbs of the San Francisco Bay Area. I was an innocent, happy kid – uncomplicated childhood, friends in the neighborhood, school down the street. I graduated high school in 1986 and went to college at UC Berkeley. The transition was tough – moving from a bland, conservative suburb into the intense, urban, intellectual environment at Cal forced me to develop a strong sense of myself, fast. Hard to believe I’d only moved 30 minutes away from my hometown.

Once I hit my stride at Berkeley, I loved it there. The stimulation, the conversations, the food! I majored in sociology, which appealed to my analytical nature. In part, my readings about social theory influenced my tendency to think about motherhood from an individual and a social perspective.

Mommybloggers: How long have you been writing? Where did this all start?

Asha:I’ve been writing since I was little. I was always scribbling little butterfly-embellished books of poetry and stories for my parents. My first published piece appeared in Children’s Digest in the late 70s: a poem called “The Night Before Hanukkah.”

Mommybloggers: You have written several technical guidebooks. Have you always had a talent for the technical? How did you break into the how-to for Dummies market?

Asha:Talent for the technical…hmmm. Funny you should ask about that! I have no formal technical background -- I’ve just been using computers long enough to feel comfortable with them.

My tech writing career was a happy accident. My husband introduced me to the Web before most people knew about it; Mosaic (the first graphical Web browser) had just been released, and Yahoo! was a page of simple text links. We learned HTML and decided to start a Web design business. I use the term “Web design” very loosely; few companies even knew what Web sites were, and those who did had no idea what one should look like. We figured we’d do ok as the only other “Web designer” listed at Yahoo! charged $5 per hyperlink, and we included hyperlinks for free!

We designed a couple of Web sites, and my husband, who knew I loved to write, suggested I contact some tech publishers and propose an HTML how-to book. In a stunning display of shortsightedness, I replied, “Honey, who besides your geeky friends would ever want to learn HTML?”

Fortunately I put together a book proposal anyway, which I sent out to five publishers. Two responded, and one eventually signed me to write a book. The result was Do It Yourself Web Publishing with Word, which sold almost nothing but established me as a writer. More importantly, my editor and I developed a great friendship, and we went on to work on other projects together. She later took a job with the publisher of the For Dummies series, and gave me the heads-up that they needed an author for FrontPage For Dummies. I jumped into the running for that title, and got it. It’s now in its fifth edition.

Mommybloggers: Can we expect to see more technical writing from you?

Asha:Not much. I’d like to concentrate on writing about parenting and domestic life.

Mommybloggers: You describe how your transformation to motherhood also transformed the way you write in your essay published in your essay “Exposure”. Tell us a little more about how becoming a mother changed the way you write?

Asha:My tales of motherhood are the first public bits of personal writing I’ve done. I’ve tried to be as honest as I can about my tumultuous journey into parenthood, while respecting my family’s privacy.

Also, writing – especially blogging – about motherhood has turned what was a solitary activity into a conversation. This, more than anything else, inspires me to keep it up. I have been overwhelmed by the compassion, intelligence and bravery of other mothers who are willing to speak up.

Mommybloggers:How do you balance your desire to write honestly with your desire to protect the privacy of your family? Does it get any easier with time and experience?

Asha:I try to keep the spotlight trained on myself. I also use pseudonyms for my kids, both in print and online.

I imagine the issue of privacy will only get more complicated as my kids get older, learn to read, and eventually go online. I’ll share my essays with them, and run future material by them to be sure they’re comfortable with it. It’s a tricky line to negotiate -- I don’t want my family to have veto power over my writing -- but I also think it’s only fair to get everyone’s side of the story.

Mommybloggers: Your essay "the Blogging Mom Clique received a lot of attention. What prompted you to write that?

Asha:The essay started as a post I wrote up for fun one night. I thought it would be fun to play around with the image of a clique as most women have dealt with cliques at one time or another. My post wasn’t a commentary on how a few people get most of the traffic (which is what many people are talking about when they refer to “blogging cliques”), but about how many of the new mom blogs I came across seemed slanted toward the “rougher” persona of some of the popular blogs. That persona didn’t fit me, so I wrote about what that felt like.

I ended up expanding on the post in an essay for Mothers Movement Online. I wanted to show that there really is no such thing as a blogging mom clique. Without a publishing establishment making market-driven decisions about what constitutes “good” or “successful” writing, blogging has created some of the most democratic writing there is.

Mommybloggers: Do you think the climate for mommybloggers has become any more diverse or welcoming since that essay was published?

Asha:It’s always been welcoming. Who’s keeping anyone from starting a blog? As long as you ignore the traffic numbers, and say what you want to say how you want to say it, there’s nothing to stop you.

Mommybloggers: By the way, the mommybloggers have a plan to transform you into a hard-drinking cussing mommyblogger at the BlogHer Conference. But don’t worry. You will be fully rehabilitated before returning home to your family. In all seriousness, though, of the three editors at mommybloggers only one of us (yours truly) swears with any regularity on her personal blog. We like to think that there will always be an audience for great writing, with or without cursing.

Asha:I’m partial to mojitos, margaritas and other fruity girl drinks, in case you’re buying, God damnit. See? I’m getting there, but any assistance you may be able to provide would be greatly appreciated.

Of course, I agree with you about the ever-present audience for great writing. There are so many strong voices out there. I’ve become such a blogging evangelist – I’m sure my friends are sick of hearing about it already.

Mommybloggers: You seem to have found a great medium in blogging with your personal site Ashaland, and your collaborative idea and advice website Parent Hacks. Tell us about the different approaches you take with your respective sites.

Asha:Ashaland is my own little queen-dom, where I stash away shiny bits of information I collect and want to keep or talk about. No big plan – Ashaland is like a shoebox into which I throw things I want to mull over or share.

Parent Hacks, on the other hand, was always intended to be a resource for people and a place to share experiences and generate conversation. It’s not about me so much as it’s about the common ground we all share as parents muddling our way through.

Mommybloggers: You seem to have found a niche with Parent Hacks. How did you come up with the concept? What has surprised you the most about that venture?

Asha:The “hacks” concept was inspired by the Hacks series of books by O’Reilly (http://hacks.oreilly.com), of which my husband, Rael, was the series editor. As such, we’d been talking about “hacks” in the tech sense for quite a while. The idea for Parent Hacks was born in a little café in Amsterdam last September. Thanks to frequent flyer miles, grandparents, and an alignment of the planets, I was able to tag along with Rael on a business trip there. As often happens when I have a day to myself and time to wander the streets, my mind starts racing. Rael and I were eating lunch and tossing around all sorts of random ideas, and I said: “You know, O’Reilly should publish a book of parenting hacks!” From there, it was but a short hop to imagine such a project as a blog, where people could comment on posts and suggest their own hacks.

Two things have surprised me about Parent Hacks:

First, I’m amazed by the response. People are so excited about the site and have jumped right in commenting and sharing ideas. I feel like I’ve stumbled onto this amazing group of thoughtful, smart, generous parents – people I respect and enjoy hanging out with.

Second, I’m surprised that my readers (from what I can tell) are pretty evenly split between moms and dads. Fathers want to talk about parenting, and something about the gender-neutral vibe at Parent Hacks makes both moms and dads feel comfortable speaking up.

Mommybloggers: Asha, what direction do you envision your writing taking in the next few years?

Asha:I have lots of ideas for expanding and deepening Parent Hacks. My daughter’s heading off to preschool this Fall, so I’m hoping the extra time will make that possible. I also want to continue writing longer essays and articles with an eye toward magazines and anthologies. Keep your fingers crossed!

Mommybloggers: And here are the questions we subject all of our featured bloggers to (With apologies to Bernard Pivot and Inside the Actors Studio):

1. What is your favorite parent related word?

Tushie. I think this Yiddish term meaning “little butt” qualifies as a parent-related word. Only kids have tushies, right? “Mommy’s gonna wipe your poopy tushie now!” Doesn’t work so well with adults. “Ignore Len. He’s a pompous tushie,” or, “Honey! Get your tushie over here and close the refrigerator!” doesn’t carry the proper authority.

2. What is your least favorite parent related word?

Can I choose a parenting-related phrase? That would have to be “Use your words.” I use this phrase myself because I haven’t come up with a better alternative, but I always feel like a doofus when I say it.

3. What is your favorite creative censored curse word used around children?

I don’t have one. But something my mom used to say still makes me laugh: “Jiminy Christmas!”

4. What is your favorite hiding place within your home when you need to get away from it all?

My back yard.

5. What hiding place have you been found in too often and can no longer use?

The bathroom (the classic unusable hiding place for a parent).

6. If Oprah exists, what would you like to hear her say when you arrive at the Oprah Winfrey show when she features the Mommybloggers?

“And now, I’d like to welcome back to the show my friends Jenn, Meghan and Jenny, and their interns Gwyneth Paltrow and Gwen Stefani. Ladies and Gentlemen, give a big Oprah welcome to…the Mommybloggers!”

Posted by Meghan Townsend at 12:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

This week on Mommybloggers, we are delighted to introduce you to Asha Dornfest. Asha's writing can be found all over the internet, with essays on Mothers Movement Online, Hip Mama, Literary Mama, Mamazine and more. Her talent for spinning gold from her observations on motherhood is truly a gift. Always articulate, Asha never fails to give readers food for thought.

Asha is also the founder and editor of the collaborative blog, Parent Hacks. Asha engages her readers, and invites them to share. We love the spirit and passion that Asha brings to her writing, whether she's giving helpful tips on managing crayons or analyzing some of the serious issues facing mothers, both online and off.

We absolutely adore Asha, and we were thrilled to get the chance to sit down with her and learn more about this talented writer. We asked a few of her readers to share their thoughts on Asha, and the praise brought a smile to our faces.

Stu Mark appreciates the level playing field that Asha has created:

Asha is righteous and redoubtable. Her support and encouragement make Parent Hacks a great place to hang out. As a Father/HomeMaker, it is difficult to find a place in the Mommy world. Asha treats me like any other mommy, even if I am not equipped with a vagina. Right on!

Mir is just green with jealousy over the innovative ideas at Parent Hacks:

I love parent hacks enough to hate it a little for coming up with all sorts of brilliant things that I should have thought of (and would've, too, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids... or something). I just never know what I'm going to find there. Asha offers up the most fascinating and useful little gems with just enough commentary. But, God, if it turns out she's PRETTY, too? I'm gonna have to hate her. Just a little. I'm sorry.

Lucinda was happy to share her thoughts on Asha:

I really admire Asha for coming up with the idea for Parent Hacks. It is obvious from the site's popularity that parents are desperate for a definitive manual on childrearing. Perhaps Asha will write it some day... But I have to admit that my favorite writing by Asha can be found at Literary Mama. There she writes with eloquence and passion about the careful balance we "mommy bloggers" must maintain between writing for ourselves and respecting our children's and spouse's privacy. I wish more bloggers thought as carefully as Asha about how their writing might affect their family when it is read days, or even years, later.

Congratulations, Asha! You are totally deserving of this Mommybloggers lovefest!

Check back later today to enjoy our interview with the prolific Asha Dornfest. You won't want to miss it!

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