The following essay was written by Jen B of Jen and Tonic:

I wasn’t really that popular throughout my school career. In fact, I spent much of my life from pretty much Kindergarten onwards wondering what made me so different from the girls who were more popular than I was. You know the girls. Maybe you were even one of them. I started the extreme scrutiny in grade 7. Grade 7 is when some other kids joined our school because their school didn't have grade 7. We all moved to a different (And larger) school for 8-9 and then another across a walkway for 10-12. The popular girls from the new schools in grade 7 seem to sense who was already cool and they amalgamated into one cool entity. Those of us who were lesser called them the "fakies". As if being popular make them insincere. I would occasionally try to worm my way into the cool group, only to be subtly or even not to subtly dismissed. Carolyn M. telling me I smell via a note passed in Math class for instance.

I remember crying at the end of grade 7 knowing that we were moving to a bigger school with even more kids who made up this invisible and impenetrable group of cool. I examined every detail of myself by the time I went to Junior High in grade 8. I spent a lot of the summer between seven and eight memorizing Seventeen magazine in the hopes that my fabulous wardrobe would be my "in" for being popular. I wanted to be in the upper echelons of Junior High cliquedom so badly. The new threads did not help. At one point I was called a "fucking punker" (1982) while wearing purple and grey striped pants. I did meet some friends that I hung around with, I sort of bounced around a bit from best friend to best friend, but I finally met Pam. Pam also owned striped pants and was beautiful. If she wasn't in the popular group, surely something was amiss. Pam was my maid of honour at my wedding.

Things went on this way. I would occasionally ask others what they thought the big deal was with Laurie or Lisa or Sammi. No one could concretely tell me why they were so "it". I mean Laurie even cheated in French all the time and never got caught. Surely someone so dumb shouldn't be so popular. Plus, she still had mall bangs when they were clearly on the way out.

In the summer between grade 10 and 11 I got a part-time job at a clothing store. Despite the lack of success with infiltrating the group, I ended up defining who I was by what I wore and how many different outfits I had. Don't even get me started by how many fabulously large pairs of earrings I owned. I came back to grade 11 with the nicest leather jacket anyone had ever seen. I saved for it and got it with my staff discount. It was stunning, amazing. How could I own such a jacket and not be totally cool? Apparently it was possible. I slumped along grade 11 much the same way as ever. The difference was my anxiety disorder was at full-tilt and my close friend Pam had been hospitalized several times for depression. Being popular didn't have the same cache as in previous years.

In grade 12 I was just glad that it was almost over. A girl who had tormented me from grade 7-10 had left and things didn't seem so bad. I still had excruciating anxiety, but University was next and that seemed like an endless opportunity to be popular in some way or another. I could join clubs or run for student council or take Drama classes. I could meet new people, people who didn't know me.

Near the end of grade 12 when we were planning our "Grad" the graduating class had to vote on a class historian. Someone who could provide an overview of our high school experience. I ran, I won. Me, not the popular girls who ran, but me. There were actually two class historians, me and a popular guy. What luck. I could brush elbows with cool while writing a speech. Check out here for a funny story about him. So, the speech was a big hit and I felt slightly vindicated for the years of sub par-popularity.

With high school over, I went to the local university, which is huge. It's even larger now, but in 1987, they had a population of about 27,000 full-time undergraduate students. I think that is even large-ish by American standards. I over estimated my ability to mix and mingle in such a huge situation. I did meet some new people, some of whom I am still friends with. The anxiety disorder also played a large roll again in University. I was scared and nervous and anxious about going out with large groups of people. My friend Pam didn't join me at University and I ended up feeling more isolated in my first year than ever.

In my second year of University my anxiety peaked. I admitted myself into the outpatient hospital at the University Hospital and was treated there both in individual and group therapy from October to April of that year. Truthfully, the therapy did little for me. I was too young for the group setting and too functional. I did manage to fail calculus twice that year while maintaining an almost full course load and for 4 months I was at the hospital everyday for 4 hours a day. The turning point was drugs. The legal kind. I saw a psychiatrist who put me on some fabulous anti-anxiety medication.

But really, this is a post about being popular. I took the next semester off and went to Hawaii for 3 weeks with Pam. The following semester I volunteered for University Peer Counselling and some excellent people who I am still very close to today. But, the biggest step of all was going more than half way across the country to finish my Bachelor's Degree. The anxiety had gotten so bad that I wasn't even sleeping away from my parents house near its peak, and now here I was moving far far away where I knew NOBODY. I started at the University of Windsor the following September.

University of Windsor sits like a toque on Detroit. Campus is located under the Ambassador Bridge connecting the two cities and I had to walk through a graveyard to get to classes from my residence. A bit of a rocky drunk filled start in Windsor, but I was finally something I always wanted to be: popular. I lived in "mature" student residence and met some great people. They liked me. Sure, I drank a lot, so I could be remembering it a bit differently, but people really liked me. I ended up making friends with the two coolest girls in all my residence as well as the coolest girl in my classes and we all lived together the next year. Campus was small and I knew people whenever I went somewhere. The bouncer at our favourite pub loved my tall gorgeous roommate and we never waited in line. I was homesick at first, but it was a great experience. There was nothing wrong with me anymore. I wasn't too fat, too loud, too quiet, my hair wasn't too curly, and my pants weren't too striped.

It was a sense of acceptance that enabled me to live my 20s feeling much better and self-assured. I was able to function in the workplace without feeling left out and isolated. There was no longer something instrinsically wrong with me that prevented people from liking me enough.

When I composed this entry (in my head), while lying in bed the other night I wasn't sure why. I thought, yeah, I could ramble on about not being cool, but why? Why? Because this is why I have a blog I think. Not necessarily to be cool or popular. But because my blog is my mirror. Somewhat in traffic and comments, but also because it exists. Its mere existence makes me visible after feeling invisible and unimportant for so long. It is sometimes easier to know that someone is reading than listening. I can't see your blank faces and wonder what you are really thinking about while I tell you some story about stealing Virgin Mary statues off of people's lawns while drunk.

Posted by Meghan Townsend at 10:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

Mommybloggers: Jen, first of all thank you so much for allowing the Mommybloggers to feature you. Dare we say you are every BlogHer’s favorite Canadian?

JenB: You may, but you would be missing out on some other fabulous Canadian chicks. J

Mommybloggers: You have been baring your soul to your readers and making them laugh since 2002. Your entries reveal a writer who has mastered the art of combining vulnerability, honesty, and bravery. At the same time, you consistently expose an uncanny and remarkable sense of humor. Have you always been so forthright with your thoughts?

JenB: I don’t feel like I have mastered anything in my writing, so thanks. I have and have not been forthright with my thoughts. As an adolescent, I remember being burned by telling my secrets to someone and have that person tell others. At home, I was mum with my feelings of anxiousness and depression until I was in the hospital at 19 for psychiatric outpatient care. We had a family session where my brother said he had no clue whatsoever that anything had been bothering me for the last 20 years. Honestly though, my brother is the last person I would have told.

Mommybloggers: You reveal a lot of personal history in your blog, but for the sake of this interview, tell us a little bit about yourself. What kind of a child were you?

JenB: I was pretty shy and always afraid other kids wouldn’t like me. I came from a large extended family on both sides and I was the youngest one present at most functions. I felt more comfortable with aunts and uncles than older cousins. I was an anxious nervous kid, my mom would agree. I was a worrier. I do remember a rich make-believe life involving Barbies and Fisher-Price Little People and lots and lots of books.

Mommybloggers: What kind of an adult are you?

JenB: I am an anxious nervous adult, but I mask it much better. That is one thing I have mastered, at least in “real life�. When I had to take time off of work from my part-time job to go to the hospital when I was 19, my boss was completely floored. Apparently I seemed “so together�. I am a much much happier adult than child. When I was about 25, everything seemed to get easier. I still have my challenges but I feel like now I know that I can handle them, even if it might suck to do so.

Mommybloggers: Jen, You once wrote this about your reasons for starting a blog:

June 2004

“Because this is why I have a blog I think. Not necessarily to be cool or popular. But because my blog is my mirror. Somewhat in traffic and comments, but also because it exists. Its mere existence makes me visible after feeling invisible and unimportant for so long. It is sometimes easier to know that someone is reading than listening. I can’t see your blank faces and wonder what you are really thinking about while I tell you some story about stealing Virgin Mary statues off of people's lawns while drunk.�

Mommybloggers: Have your reasons for blogging changed since that entry?

JenB: Oooh, that was a good description of why I blog. Still. I would add that I have found that having a blog has exposed me to a fabulous community of people who also blog (like yourselves and many others). Meeting up with people who I got to know through their blogs has been a mind-blowing and fan-freakin-tastic experience. Last year’s BlogHer is a big example, but not the only one.

Mommybloggers: What or who inspired you to start blogging way back in 2002?

JenB: Mrs. Kennedy, Sarah Brown, Caitlin from Styrofoamkitty/), Mybluehouse, and others. I started reading just a few and then my blog roll exploded into more and more and more.

I really needed the outlet. I was keeping an online diary just for myself, but there was something about imagining that even a few people would read that was inspiring. The vulnerability was appealing, since I protect myself from that almost all the time.

Mommybloggers: How has blogging influenced your day to day life?

JenB: I nararrate my life differently, whether or not it goes on the blog or not. It helps me see how I am living my life through other people’s eyes and gives my own version a different spin. I think I have become more generous and gentle with myself because of experiencing that from other people on the blog.

Mommybloggers: Jen, Your writing is extremely personal and autobiographical. Readers can learn a lot about you in the 4 years of entries you have posted on your blog. You love kittens, gardening, cooking, Lyle Lovett, and most of all your daughter Charlotte and husband Mark. You write about your most complicated relationships, particularly with your mother and your biomom. Does your family read your blog and if so, do you hold back in order to keep the peace? How do you handle blog-related conflicts?

JenB: Neither Mark’s family or mine know about the blog. I am pretty careful to keep it that way. Although if it happened that everyone found it, I think we would all survive. I would just rather not have my mother-in-law see me write “motherfucker� 5 times in one post. The mother of her grandbaby. So far, no familial-related blog conflicts. I try to respect other people’s privacy and not write anything about people who can’t read it and respond. Well, except for the really slow blue-haired lady in line at the pharmacy, she might never know HOW LONG IT TOOK HER TO COUNT OUT HER CHANGE!

Mommybloggers: Jen, you have written many posts that detail personal experiences that resonate the loudly with many aspects of the human condition. Some of the most poignant are those in which you describe your emotional struggles to fit in as an adolescent. There is one particular post in which you share excerpts from your diary that would make the most cold-hearted jerk want to reach out and hug the nearest misunderstood, lonely adolescent. At other times, you detailed your mental health challenges, the grief you experienced when you lost a friend to a drug overdose, and the pain of losing a cherished Aunt to Cancer. Has sharing those stories been helpful to you on a personal level? If so, how?

JenB: Sharing those stories really helped. What helps with grief, sadness, or other similar emotions is learning the commonality we all share in regards to painful experiences. Sure, you can talk with your friends or family about such losses, but the dialogue on a blog can be more honest, caring, and even more brutal, which is sometimes a good thing. I find that loss in particular is something that people in your non-blog life sort of expect you be “over� after a certain period of time. It feels more acceptable, at least to me, to revisit this pain or a memory or guilt, etc., with the blog world.

Mommybloggers: Is it at all scary to write about such personal subject matter?

JenB: Not any more. Seriously? People are so nice and helpful.

Mommybloggers: You have struggled for years anxiety, depression, ADD, and “bipolar lite�. Is there any advice you would like to share with others who might be facing similar health challenges?

JenB: Well, here in Canada, psychiatric care is free, so I encourage everyone to get some of that in addition to any talk therapy from a psychologist or therapist. I wish everyone could have the resources to get a couple of different perspectives, both physiological and psychological when it comes to any emotional problems they might be experiencing. My other advice is that not every therapist or doctor is a fit. If possible, seek out another professional if the one you are seeing doesn’t feel right for you.

Mommybloggers: Jen, please tell us a little bit about your creative process. When do you find time to blog, and how do you typically come up with ideas?

JenB: Reading other blogs, reading books, just living life usually gives me ideas. I wish I posted every day. I found it easier when I had the structure of a 9-5 job. Now I usually post late at night.

Mommybloggers: You were nominated for best personal Blog in the Canadian Bloggies, 2005. You took 3rd place in 2005. Congratulations to you for that accomplishment. Any noticeable differences between your Canadian fans and your American fans (insert joke here)?

JenB: Honestly, most of my readers, and every other blog owner’s readers, are American. This is really a population issue. There are 10 times as many Americans as Canadians. The Canadians get a few more cultural references and colloquialisms, such as wearing a toque and getting a double-double at Timmy Ho’s after a curling game.

Mommybloggers: Any thoughts on the recent hullabaloo about the mommy wars?

JenB: I wish women were kinder to each other.

Mommybloggers: Here’s another pesky question: What do you think about the term “mommyblogger�? Love it? Hate it? Why?

JenB: I dunno, it is like when Feminist became a bad word. Is Mommy a bad word? I don’t like any kind of incorrect stereotype. Like a Feminist is a bra-burning, Birkenstock-wearing, man-hating, hairy-armpitted woman. I dislike the notion that a mommy or mommyblogger might be someone who is obsessed with her kid’s school work and birthday party, is somewhow unhappy with her role in the family, and her only job is playdates, minivans, bad highlights and high-waisted jeans.

Mommybloggers: Jen, you post a lot of gorgeous pictures of flowers. Do you really grow all of those? Please share a garden tip or two.

JenB: I DO grow all of those. For suburbia, we have a decent-sized yard. My garden tip is read, read, read and read about what grows where you live. Garden books are lovely and beautiful and full of great photos, but if it doesn’t grow in your climate zone, don’t bother.

Mommybloggers: You post several photos of some seriously sweet bridesmaids dresses. How many do you have, and which one is your personal favorite / most hideous?

JenB: I no longer own any. I would have to say the headpiece at my brother’s wedding was a winner. For one, A HEADPIECE, and two, it had tulle on it. *shiver*

Mommybloggers: Do the toilets drain in the opposite direction in Canada? Just kidding.

JenB: Well, you can get codeine over the counter here. For cheap. So, for some it might seem like it does.

Mommybloggers: Now onto the good stuff: Your beautiful daughter, Charlotte. How has she changed the way you look at the world?

JenB: You know, I feel like a weirdo, but I don’t really feel different as an individual since having a kid. I mean, I am glad we had her, after all the infertility business getting pregnant seemed like a miracle, but having a kid is a joy and a gas and a pain just like everyone says.

Mommybloggers: Do you plan to share your Blog with Charlotte when she is old enough?

JenB: I don’t think I will really have a choice. I am sure she will find it. It doesn’t worry me.

Mommybloggers: Jen, we can’t wait to see you again at BlogHer. Thank you so much for allowing us to feature you. We look forward to keeping up with you and your blog jenandtonic.ca.

And here are the questions we subject all of our featured bloggers to (With apologies to Bernard Pivot and Inside the Actors Studio):

You can be fit and FAT! I have been too cruel to the FAT PEOPLE. (She should read http://www.bigfatblog.com/)

Posted by Meghan Townsend at 10:17 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

The Mommybloggers are proud to introduce our next featured blogger (who really needs no introduction at all), Jen B from Jen and Tonic. There are a hundred words we could use to describe Jen: talented, honest, sensitive, creative, funny, lovely, and tender-hearted. Those are just a few. We could really go on and on, but thought we would share the thoughts of some of her loyal readers instead.

Jess is downright smitten:

It’s about time the mighty JenB got some attention. What took so long? It’s cause she’s Canadian right?

Jen is hands down the nicest blogging hot mama out there. She is honest, funny, engaging and caring. I check in every day, no matter what my feedburner says, to see what she’s up to. Once I heard her voice on my answering machine and I swooned.

JenB is just lovely.

Miss Zoot finds solidarity with Jen's honest writing style:

Jen has always rocked my mommy-blogging socks and I would love to be able to be as open about parenting and the joys and struggles as she is. She conveys so many of the things I feel so many times in ways that actually make SENSE. I like to just echo a "What she said!" to so many of her entries.

Karianna sings her praises:

JenB is the perfect combination of intelligent, friendly, humble, and honest. Her candid descriptions of balancing her mental health with mommy-hood, plus her familial relations with Biomom to her seemingly-ever-grinning husband Mark. Of course the photos of her gorgeous garden and sensational Charlotte help keep me coming back to both her blog and flickr sites. It has been a tricky year for Jen: a beloved aunt’s passing on the serious side, and the Edmonton Oiler’s eventual loss of the cup on the more lighthearted. Jen was the first blogger I met in “real life� and she gave me a spectacular hug, though I wasn’t farted on. It is no wonder that JenB is a favorite of Bloggers everywhere, but what clinches the deal is that she is accessible in the midst of all her fame! She is open about her insecurities, and yet completely rises above them to be the amazing strong woman who we appreciate so much. Hail Canadian Death-Candy!

Amanda feels very comfortable in Jen's presence:

JenB is like the best friend you always wish you’d been lucky enough to have. And when you fart in front of her, you know she’s laughing with you, not at you.

Mrs. Kennedy just plain old loves her. LOVES her:

I love JenB. LOVE HER. She is funny and smart and makes me laugh and she sends me candy in the mail. She writes great lists, her post about the Oscars from this year alone is worth reading again and again ("Keanu Reeves = sack of hammers"). Did I mention how much I love her? She's Canadian, you know.

Emily loves the way she makes the days better:

Jen is just the sweetest Canadian that I have never met. She always cracks me up and makes me think and our chats about sex are highlights in my boring work day! I heart Jen and Tonic!

Belinda admires Jen's honesty:

JenB is an amazing friend, but beyond that, a compelling blogger because of her complete and total honestly and candor. What you see is what you get with Jen, and I can't even count the number of times that I have found insight or empathy or humor for a situation that I am myself facing, within one of her fantastic posts.

Quite simply, Jen is totally worthy of our love! ;-) And if you read her blog and don't check out her Flickr.com sets, you're not getting the "whole picture," so to speak. I do love her photographs!

Sarah is a little sweet on her:

Jen once sent me a care package full of bubble bath and candy unavailable to us poor U.S. saps. Which is fitting, since she is a pocketful of sugar day in and day out.

Sweetney loves her honesty and goodness:

Jen keeps it real, man. She is one of my favoritest people on the planet, and one of the funniest women I've ever met. She's genuine and honest; one of those rare people who are truly GOOD, without a mean bone in her body. If you read her, you can't help but feel connected to her, and if you meet her, you can't help but love her.

Alice adores her strength and vulnerability:

When I think of Jen, a whole bunch of adjectives come to mind: compelling, spontaneous, hilarious, brilliant, vulnerable. Most of all I think "naked," with all the messiness and delight that that implies. Sometimes I just want to run up to Canada and wrap her up in an afghan. But then her next post shows just how strong she really is, and I think, Canada's far, and my crocheting skills are not what they were. I love Jen!

Her readers really do say it best.

Stay tuned for more from Jen B, including an interview later today, and an essay tomorrow!

Posted by Meghan Townsend at 9:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)