The following essay was written especially for Mommybloggers by our featured guest, the beautiful Karen Rani.

Eight years ago, when I was pregnant with Dylan, I walked into a Starbucks on a Friday morning, as I did every Friday morning of my pregnancy, and ordered my weekly treat of a tall Mocha Frappuccino and a slice of Banana
Bread. It was 5:30 a.m. and I was on my way to work at the Big Box Store where I had met the father of this heartburn-inducing baby I was carrying.

The woman in front of me nearly whipped her own head off as she hissed, "Should you be drinking coffee while you're pregnant?"

"Should you be talking while you're brainless?" I quipped back.

It was on the way to work that day, that I realized, I was about to become an expert.

A parent.

Eight years later, I am proud of that day. I am proud to tell people I treated myself to a Frappacino every Friday of Dylan's gestation. I will also tell you that when that little bugger was 12 days late, I had a Kahlua and milk.

*gasp!*

Yes, I did.

And I don't regret it.

When the cross-eyed doctor told me I would feel better if I squatted during labour, (my first blog entry EVER!) I told her to go ahead and squat on the effing floor. When Dylan got sick, my instincts told me to take him to the ER. Those expert instincts saved his life.

I don't subscribe to parenting magazines. I don't read parenting books anymore. Someone gave me a toddler book when Thomas turned one and I still laugh when I read it. It says things like, "Don't make a face or say "ew" when your son has a bowel movement. Or, when he smears it all over his room. Whichever. Just don't make a face.

What?

Shit stinks. Life is full of shit that stinks.

By not saying "ew" and crinkling my nose, am I not being honest with my child? Am I showing him that it is okay to repress my own feelings to protect him from feeling, uh, shitty?

Huh?

The experts in the book also says you should give your children alternatives to the word "no." How about, "never," "not today," and "NOT!" Do those work any better?

What I'm getting at is, life can be shitty. People are going to say no to your children at every age of their lives. Why would you not want them prepared for that? Sure, give your children choices. You want them to grow up confident that they HAVE choices.

For example, let's say you want your little one to go to bed. The experts say to use phrases like, "Would you like teddy or bunny to go to bed with you?"

I say, "Why ain't your chunky ass in bed yet, boy?" in my best Brit-Twit accent, "Now pass me mah Cheetos." Dylan usually laughs, but he goes to bed.

Experts say, "Offer your children a choice of dips in order to get them to eat vegetables and other healthy foods."

I say, "A choice of dips? Do you think this is a restaurant? Eat your dinner for 4 points toward your X-Box." (Dylan has to get to 500 -healthy eating habits should kick in by 500, right?) And Thomas? He will eat ANYFINK.

Experts advocate talking, reasoning and positive reinforcement.

The experts that wrote this crap had robots for children. Or they lied. My guess is the latter.

The experts I know are Mommybloggers. Call them what you will, these women taught me it's okay to yell at your kids, to feel uncontrollable anger during PPD and beyond, to feed them pancakes for dinner, to steal from Thomas' "kiggygank" for a Frappucino, to obsess about constipation, diarrhea, barf, teeth, tummyaches, butt cream and oh so much more.

I have come a long way as a blogger in the last year and a half. And thanks to every Mommyblogger I have ever read, I have become a better mother because of all of your expertise, and very realistic experiences that you have shared. You are very important to us.

Thank you, from my little family, to yours.

Love Karen
xo

To read more by Karen, be sure to visit her personal blog Troll Baby and make sure you stop by Troll Baby Graphics if you are in the market for a blog make-over (because you know you are)!

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Mommybloggers: We loved meeting you are BlogHer. You are a hoot! Are you naturally outgoing or is it something that is dependent on your surroundings. Because, honey, we have pictures that say you are certainly not shy!

Karen: Most of the time, I'm outgoing. On the inside, I'm a complete MESS. Seriously: nervous, jittery, drooling mess. As a child I was always shy, probably because I was ugly as sin and kids called me things like Chicken Legs and Bucky The Wonder Horse. I was built like a rake - not one of those $9.99 models either. Dude, a premium rake that could kick leaves and take names. As a result, once I had my braces off and my curves had arrived, I was PRETTY. Dammit, I wanted everyone to know it. Then I had kids and the body went to shit, but I realized that people liked me for my personality. So they say.

Mommybloggers: You have said more than once that you had a rotten childhood. In a few entries you talk about it. How has that impacting your mothering and your view on motherhood?

Karen: If I find myself yelling, I stop myself. I raise my kids with healthy doses of love, listening and sarcasm. 2 out of 3 ain't bad. I don't spank. I don't believe in spanking. No animal, child or person should ever be hit. Except in football. Go Cowboys!

Sometimes I find myself comparing my mannerisms to my mothers, and I have to really stop and think about whether it is a good one or one I don't want my kids around. I bounce alot of stuff off my husband. He is an amazing father and was raised by normal, loving parents. So if I'm stuck, I have them to turn to as well. They are as much family to me as my own extended family. (My parents are not a part of my life at all.)

Mommybloggers: What kind of kid were you growing up? Do you see those same traits coming out in your own children?

Karen: Well besides being butt-ugly, I was an introvert. I was really good in school and only once did I defy authority. I told a supply teacher she was ugly, on a dare. I turned 100 shades of red as she made me apologize, in front of everyone.

I was afraid to break a rule. To a point, I still am. I think it's the constant brow-beating I got from my mother that puts the fear of God into me. Weird how someone so pathetic has shaped me into this rule-fearing person.

I don't see these traits coming out in my kids. I purposely give them choices, rather than telling them what to do. I try very hard to foster whatever loves they have: with Dylan, it's reading, and with Thomas, well, it's chocolate milk. And his trike. I don't ever want to squash them as I was squashed.

Mommybloggers: Tell us a secret.

Karen: I honestly believe I will feel nothing when my parents die. I am emotionally bankrupt when it comes to them. I have no regrets. I do, however, feel guilty for not loving them anymore. I'm pretty confused about all that. Obviously.

Mommybloggers: Describe yourself to our readers using just 7 adjectives.

Karen:

Unique
Happy
Loving
Proud
Quirky
Moody
Funny

Mommybloggers: The Mommybloggers are dropping in. How will you entertain us?

Karen: Well there's always the crab dance. (*Editor's note: If you have not wet your pants laughing with Karen, this should do the trick!) Though I don't actually own that trampoline, so we'll have to improvise. We could make some coffee, throw some Bailey's in it and hang out on my back deck where we'd laugh until one of us peed ourself. Ahem....Jenn.

Mommybloggers: Since you brought it up, there seems to be a rumor that you had this issue at BlogHer of laughing until you peed your pants. Care to confirm or deny this rumor?

Karen: Deny, deny, deny!

Mommybloggers Have you had any bad experiences with blogging?

Karen: Not really bad. There were a couple of comments I had to delete - one of which I suspected was my own father, but I can't be sure.

The weirdest thing was being recognized at a local diner. The waitress recognized Thomas and I. Freaky.

Mommybloggers: So you proposed to your husband, down on one knee. Tell us about
his reaction and how that came about.

Karen: Well....I was naked. So his reaction to that is always favourable. Even
since I had the kids and my body changed, he's always been a fan of the nakedness. Crazy bugger.

You have to know this about me: if I have a gift for you, I cannot keep a secret. I will literally feel as though I may implode if I cannot share this with you. So for me to go out and buy this amazing man an engagement
ring (THAT MORNING - SEE? NO patience!), then spend all afternoon with him, probably acting like a Mexican Jumping Bean - well that is huge.

We got into bed that night, and I was SO excited. I couldn't wait. He KNEW something was up. I couldn't wait. I jumped out of bed, and he asked where I was going. I yelled something like, "Be right back!" and
grabbed the ring, in it's little box, sticking it behind my back.

I crouched down beside his side of the bed and he and he propped himself up on one elbow and asked me what I was doing. I told him I loved him, and that I would love him forever, and how special he was to me, and asked him to grow old and wrinkly with me.

Tears welled up in his eyes and he said yes. He grabbed me tight and we stayed like that for a very long time. Nowadays my knee would be screaming at me, but then, I was all of 118 pounds and my knees were in
fine shape.

We've been married 8 years now and it's still as wonderful as it was that day. Better, even. Sometimes we look at each other and say, "Is it really that hard for some people?" and "We are so lucky." And we are. Neither one of us take that for granted.

Mommybloggers: You told a story about jumping from the front of the van to the back to slam the hatch that you noticed was not closed all the way while in a carwash in order to save the beer (not the van) was hysterical. Always save the beer. (It did make us love you just a tad more after reading that!) Now, had you ruined the van, would it have been worth it to save the beer and ruin the van?

Karen: Well, it was Cindy's van. Cindy is a dear friend of mine. Had I ruined her van, she might have thanked me. Had I known the outcome of such an insurance claim, I might have chanced it. For her. And for the beer.

Mommybloggers: If we tell you how much we love you, will you make us some nipple cookies? Explain nipple cookies for those who are not aware.

Karen: I love love love marachino cherries. When I was little, my Granny used to make these Christmas cookies with cherries in them. I know I should have just called her for the recipe, but that one looked so easy on the internet. Damn internet. Once the cookies were baked, there was nothing to do but blog the shit outta them!

Mommybloggers: Lately we have seen many blogs being designed by the amazing Troll Baby Graphics. What got you started in blog design? Is it something you do because you can or is it a passion of yours to find the right graphic to fit the right blog?

Karen: I got started by playing around in Paint Shop Pro, years ago, making little graphics for online friends on message boards. Once I started blogging, one of the first things I did was stare at my old Blogger template for hours, figuring out how it all worked. I bought books on eBay and taught myself. I'm still teaching myself.

I am passionate about my work. I love meeting new people and making their personal space, their very own. I was close to quitting before BlogHer, but was inspired by many of the women I had designed for, and decided to
keep it up. I'm glad I spoke out about my concerns, because everyone was very supportive toward my little piece of the web.

Mommybloggers: And here are the questions we subject all of our featured bloggers to (*With apologies to Bernard Pivot and Inside the Actors Studio):

1. What is your favorite parent related word?

Bedtime - not because the kids go to bed, but because it is the source of
some very tender moments for us: kisses, hugs, talks and snuggles. My
favorite time of day.

2. What is your least favorite parent related word?

Milestones - only because so many competi-parents rely on them, and
"experts" judge us on when they are reached. Parents are experts, and I
wish more parents would take that term for themselves.

3. What is your favorite creative censored curse word used around
children?

Fartsucker. I use it instead of "Oh shit," or worse.

4. What is your favorite hiding place within your home when you need to get away from it all?

The back deck. I just quit smoking again, but I step out with the dog when I need 5 minutes. Honestly though, that isn't as often anymore now that Thomas is older. The first year of his life? I was on the back deck.

5. What hiding place have you been found in too often and can no longer use?

The bathroom. Thomas finds me in there, and exclaims, "Boys have penises
and girls have Vaginasaurs!

6. If Oprah exists, what would you like to hear her say when you arrive at the Oprah Winfrey show when she features the Mommybloggers?

Um. Duh. Oprah DOES exist. Did you not know that? I totally want to meet her. When I was a little girl, I wanted her to be my mother. She taught me alot about right and wrong from about age 9 upwards. Thank God. If I had listened to my own mother, I'd be an alcoholic, abusive, screaming banshee.

Be sure to check in with us tomorrow when we turn over Mommybloggers.com to the always entertaining Karen Rani.

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Today we are featuring the incomparable Karen Rani of Troll Baby and the brilliantly creative mind behind Troll Baby Graphics whose designs are popping up all over the Internet in recent months. The Mommybloggers had the honor and privilege of meeting Karen Rani in person at BlogHer '06. She can have you sitting on the ground laughing so hard you fear you might wet your pants with laughter (some are rumored to have done just that!) and the next minute crying with the depth of her emotions and observations. She is both sincere and warm in her interactions with anyone she meets. It didn't take long to see why people adore her and want to be around her. She is the real deal! We adore her and would love to hog this praise entry ourselves, but we know you want to hear from her readers and fans. This is what they had to say about the incredible Karen Rani.

Lindsay of Suburban Turmoil was eager to let us know of her adoration as soon as she heard we were featuring her here:

Karen Rani is my hero. She is ultra-thoughtful and kind and she's been such a great friend that I can't believe I've never met her in person. Her blog is stunning because it's everything all rolled into one- the good, the bad, and the wickedly funny. She writes about both hilarity and heartbreak with an openness that I totally admire and adore.

Izzy of Izzymom has no shame when it comes to declaring her undying love for Karen when she excitedly told us:

I love, love, love Karen! She's funny as hell as well as incredibly talented and underneath her sassy, irreverent exterior is someone very sweet. I count her as one the many blog crushes that I developed at BlogHer!

Karl of SecondHand Tryptophan could not wait to share with us the incredible first time he met Karen face to face and how much he adored the time he spent with her and was blown away that she too was a fan of his:

I've only been reading Karen's blog for a short time. In fact, here was my first experience with Karen. I was at BlogHer, hanging out with Chase (Taste the World) and Deb (This is NOT the Life I Pictured) and a few other ladies on the last night.

Karen walked up nearby and Chase wondered aloud, "Is that Karen?" I had heard of "Troll Baby" but didn't know who wrote it.

To answer Chase's question, I walked over to Karen and asked, "Hi, are you Karen?" She answered yes, so I said, "Hi, I'm Karl."

Then she made my head spin. "I know who you are. I'm a fan." OK, my head is still spinning. Huh? You're a fan of ME? First time that's ever happened to me. Anyway, we got to talk for a few minutes and share some laughs and I've been a fan ever since.

Christina of A Mommy Story couldn't have said it better when she shared her reasons for being such a huge fan of Karen's:

Karen is so laid back and realistic, and I appreciate that in her writing. It seems to be her parenting style, also, and I admire such a laid back attitude to parenting. But that's not to say it's lazy at all - it is clear in her writing the fierce love and devotion she has for her family. I love reading not only about her boys (and the "frikken wegos"), but also about the steps she is taking to improve her own health.

Chris of Notes from the Trenches eagerly emailed to share with us (and everyone else) how much she admires Karen when she so perfectly said:

What to say about Karen that probably hasn't already been said?

She has the amazing ability to draw you in with her stories. Whether they are funny or serious I always feel like I am her best friend sharing the moment with her. Her post recently about celebrating her 8th wedding anniversary made me cry because it was so touching and heartfelt.

But a few days earlier she had written her Men Without Hats post which made me howl with laughter. HOWL. I am giggling about it right now as I type this.

When I met karen at Blogher, she was exactly like I expected. Funny, warm, intelligent and gracious. I loved her even more.

The sign of any great blog writer is that they make you want to come back for more. And every day I look forward to reading more.

Julie of mothergoosemouse gushes about the sincerity that is Karen:

Karen is the complete package - hilarious, thoughtful, down to earth. She makes me laugh, and she makes me think. Plus, nobody writes toddler-talk as well as she does.

Jen of Mamaritaville told us how Karen was not only a blogging inspiration but an inspiration in her life:

Karen was one of the first blogs I stumbled upon when I started blogging as A Tight Knit Mom. I didn't really know anything about blogging, but thought it may be fun. Reading her blog helped me to open up to new ideas of blogging. Not just a boring little diary for myself to look back on, but to turn it into a creative outlet, where I can write about anything and everything and be my honest self(something that's now easier to do while I'm blogging than it is in real life sometimes!)

I now have changed my blogging identity to Mamaritaville. I actually spent time thinking about who I was and how I could reflect that in the blog world. I think that if I hadn't started reading Karen's blog and seen how fearless and honest she was, maybe I wouldn't have ever opened myself up to writing the way I do now.

She's an amazing woman, mother, wife, AND blogger. It's all reflected through Troll Baby. And I hope to someday have the loyal followers that she does!

Liz from Mom 101 and Cool Mom Picks came in under the wire, but we could not deny her the chance to praise our amazing Karen when she so exhuberantly said:

When I first started blogging, KAREN RANI was one of those names I saw absolutely everywhere. Blogrolls, comments, forums, articles--there was no avoiding this impressive blogging force, KAREN RANI. I did not think I was nearly important enough to share the same internet as the great KAREN RANI. But then I started reading her. She was funny, approachable, honest and smart. Soon, I wanted to be KAREN RANI. I died my hair like her, bought the same clothes, and tried to get her to move into the Ansonia with me. You might want to keep stiletto heels away from me.

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