Medicated Mommy Madness
The following entry is a favorite from the archives of Citymama, written by our guest, Stefania Pomponi Butler.
Recently this Newsweek article about mothers taking on too much and burning out has been making the rounds on parenting websites and amongst my mom friends. It touches on some interesting points and, surprisingly, the author lays out some thoughtful solutions instead of the article being one big gripe-fest (which it starts out to be).
While I was reading it I could feel my shoulders starting to rise because I really feel for women who try to knock themselves out being the "perfect parent." I really think that mothers especially need to support each other more, talk to each other more, share with each other more to prevent this from happening. I am reminded of a recent episode of Desperate Housewives where Lynette's character totally flames out trying to be Supermom, and it's not until she reaches her lowest point that her friends admit that they have a hard time sometimes, too. Why wait until you or your friends hit rock bottom? I don't see the point. I share (and perhaps maybe overshare sometimes according to J.) my struggles all along the way in the hopes that it will make my friends or the three people who read this blog feel better. I no way, shape, or form do I pretend to be perfect. Most of the time I strive to be a "just good enough" mother. I blogged about my Libra View of Parenting last year. I don't have the energy to aim for perfection. That would take too much focus away from my precious reality-TV-watching-and-trash-magazine-reading time.
I am part of the generation of post-baby boom Girls Who Could Have Done Anything that the author describes. I'm in my mid-30's now, and looking back on my adult life so far, I feel like I have accomplished everything I wanted to do before having kids. I think that is the great advantage to having kids later on. So I'm an old mom. I've had a couple of different careers, seen the world, spent lots of time getting to know my husband. And I know enough to put myself, not my kids, first. It's not that my own needs are leaps and bounds beyond those of my girls. More like if this were a race of needs, it would be a photo finish. My needs are hundredths of a second in front of my kids' needs. But I'm still ahead.
While I am concerned about raising strong, kind, capable girls, I am far from being obsessed about being the perfect mother. I know a couple that put their child on the waiting list for "the right preschool" the day—THE DAY!—the child was born. I have seen parents stress about signing up for preschool and wondering if there will be any spots left in any preschool by the time their kid hits preschool age. I know of parents that drive themselves nuts trying to keep an all-organic, TV-free, wood-toy-only household. They live in fear of being judged by other parents. This makes me crazy. I'm the mom that stops at McDonald's for a Happy Meal on the way to playgroup and I don't give a shit what anyone thinks. And if my child is being an asshole to the other kids once we get there, I will say, "If my kid hits your kid you have my permission to discipline her. By all means, let her know hitting is 'not okay.'"
Ah, there. Didn't you just breathe a sigh a relief? Isn't it so much easier to just not care?
As a friend said in response to this article, "I am too lazy for that!" I agree. I am too lazy for that. I'm so lazy that when Bunny goes out with her sitter, five minutes before they are due home I am running upstairs to change out of my pajamas.
Recently I went to see my Internist for a post-partum check up. She asked how everything was going and I told her that I was feeling tired and overwhelmed. I wasn't sure if it was something beyond baby blues, but even with all the support I have around me, I was feeling like I was flailing. She said hang on a minute and then came back with a sample of Lexapro. She said, "Take it, you'll probably feel better in a few weeks." I asked her if it was okay to be taking this medication while nursing and she looked at me quizzically and replied, "Uh. You might want to just run it by your pediatrician." So I did. And my no-nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is, mother-of-three pediatrician said, "It hasn't been tested. Do you really want your kid to be a guinea pig? Why don't you try just getting more sleep. Let's work on night weaning and see how you feel."
Let me be clear: I am not knocking anyone's choice to seek treatment to feel better. It's all part of putting yourself first and I do support that. For my situation, her advice was right. Sleep, for me, is essential to my feeling capable, happy, and in control. When I don't get enough sleep, my world sucks and it's a sucky place for anyone coming into contact with it. So I am trying to put my own needs first and get enough sleep. If that means Wallie has to cry through one night time feeding then she's gonna cry. If I am wrecked in the morning, I can't be a good mom. (And, trust me, the girl does not need to eat 5 times a night anymore.)
I am concerned about the over-medication of mothers nowadays, though statistically, I'm not sure if mothers now are actually more medicated than our mothers were. I think many women in my parents' generation turned to other drugs or alcohol to help them get through the day. I know that, sometimes, a drink helps me to relax at the end of the day, and even as I am enjoying an evening glass of wine, I can see how easily it would be for some mothers to go from glass to bottle, into the pit of alcoholism.
So.
Whatever it is that sets you off about another mother's parenting choice, I want you to let it go. Don't judge, and let it go. Mama is bottle-feeding? Five year-old sucking on a pacifier? Juice in a toddler's sippy cup? Parents letting baby cry it out? Six year-old still riding in a stroller? Infant in daycare? Three year-old playing a video game? Check that judgment. Think about that mother, and how hard it is to be a mother and just let.........it.........go. (Updated to add: One exception to this rule? Speak out when a child's safety is in jeopardy. When I see kids not properly restrained in car seats, I go ballistic. You can, too.)
Childbearing Hipster has a great message about depression posted on her blog right now and I think everyone would do well to read it. And then I think that everyone just needs to relax.
Mothers, let's support each other. Really support each other. Let's not be afraid to admit when we need help or when we are concerned about our child's behavior or when we feel like we don't want to be a parent anymore and just wish sometimes we could go back to our child-free life. All those scary, hard-to-say-outloud things.
* No more living in fear of what others will think. That's no way to parent.
* No more judging. Worry about your own children.
* No more competing. Who cares anyway? Kids sure don't.
We are hurting each other by doing these things. We are making our sisters feel terrible about themselves and their parenting choices. We are driving our sisters in droves to medication and self-medication. We are making them cry and feel inadequate. And ultimately it's our children that will suffer.
NO. MORE.
Originally published Feb 17, 2005. For more from the fantastic Stefania, visit Citymama.
We are proud to introduce you to our friend Stefania Pomponi Butler. Stefania is an unabashed, prolific blogger, with four sites currently featuring her work: