You know me: I just never promote or recommend a product on any of my blogs. But fellow Mommy-Bloggers, I have discovered a website that absolutely rocks, and it's great for homeschoolers and parents as well as your child's teachers.

I am just so EXCITED over this discovery!

Steve Spangler Science takes the experiments into your kitchen or back yard, and encourages your kids to get down and dirty with them. With Steve's advice, freebies, and budget-conscious kits and products, your child will learn that good science doesn't exist within the pages of a dry textbook or even within the four walls of a classroom. Good science is all around us, and when a child is allowed - nay, ENCOURAGED - to make loud noises and blow things up and walk on water and make geysers and create glow-in-the-dark alien goo and lava lamps and potato-shooters (NOT guns!), our children will become enthusiastic and excited and eager to learn more.

I have always believed that a good lesson not only teaches our children something important: it also encourages our children to try and discover MORE and MORE, and to make connections.

I can't begin to tell you how much I am enjoying my discoveries on Steve Spangler Science. And, you can even sign up for a free "Experiment of the Week!" FREE!

Right now, Steve Spangler is running a contest on his blog, and if you enter, you might win TEN DOLLARS' worth of science coolness for your children! It's easy to enter; all you have to do is look at the bees and make a guess.

Bees? Well, you'll just have to go there and check it out. I think it's FANTASTIC.

As parents, we want to help our children think "out of the box," and the kind of science Steve Spangler encourages is perfection plus. Steve's experiments also involve ordinary household things, such as baking soda or cornstarch, that are in the pantry anyway. There isn't much expense with Spangler experiments. It's also good for our children when they see the adults in their lives participating and enjoying.

I've seen Steve Spangler on "Ellen," and he's all over You-Tube. Remember that awesome Mentos/Diet Coke geyser experiment? That's Steve Spangler!

My kids are in their twenties, and my neighbor's children are seven and eleven, and I'm in my, um, anonymous middle years, and I'm not sure who had the most fun doing that in my back yard!

Steve Spangler Science is having a contest! Go enter it right now; maybe you'll win it.

Posted by Mamacita at 6:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

When I was a kid, my family used to drive down to Alabama almost every summer. We had relatives down there, and there would be canvas army cots all over the place at night. My Alabama cousins were many years older, and I thought they were adults, I really did. Cool, stylish, trendy adults. I think the cousin closest in years to me might have been twelve.

It is the trip itself that I want to talk about. And traveling peripherals.

This was before the time of the interstate highway, and the drive took us through every little town, middle-sized town, and city in southern Indiana, Kentucky, Tennessee, and half of Alabama. We stopped at the occasional little local restaurant, because this was also before the day of the big chain restaurants. This meant, of course, that most of the time the food was actually good. Our car did not have air conditioning, which meant that we rode with all the windows down. It also meant that Dad had a very sunburned left arm.

There was no such thing as carseats for babies or toddlers, unless you counted those little canvas seats that hooked over the back of the front seat, and when we were on vacation, the car was too full for one of those. There were no seatbelts, either. Two parents, four kids, and a grandmother in one '59 Chevy made a pretty full load.

There was no stereo in the car, either. Not even a radio.

Dad was in charge, and we stopped when HE wanted to stop. And if we needed him to stop, it was of vital importance that we never tell him we needed to stop. It made him mad, and he would drive even farther just to demonstrate that he was in charge. This never bothered me, because I could, even as a small child, "hold it" for hours on end, but it pretty much killed my Other Sister, who generally needed to pee every twenty minutes. Fifteen minutes from our house and she was not only asking if we were there yet, she was already asking to go to the bathroom.

Hub and I could never afford to take our children on a real vacation until the summer between their 3rd and 5th grade. That year, we borrowed my parents' van, mortgaged our financial future for NINE YEARS with a new Discover Card, and went to Disney World.

That's right; it took nine years to pay off Discover. NEVER USE THIS CARD. It has the highest interest in the universe. But I digress.

My point is, all my father and mother had to do to maintain almost perfect order in a vehicle was to turn around and say "You kids sit still and behave." And we did. We weren't buckled in, so sitting still took some real effort, but disobeying our parents was far worse than sitting still. We looked out the windows, and counted cows, and sang, and played word games, and napped. We ate only when Dad stopped at a restaurant, although we did travel with a bushel of fresh peaches; we loved to watch dad toss the pits out of his window.

On that trip to Disney World with my own kids, all we had to do was say "Sit still and behave." and they behaved. We didn't travel with toys, or vcr's. We looked out the windows and counted cows and sang and played games. Sometimes, the kids napped. Really, the only differences between our trip and my parents' trip were the seat belts, the cooler of fruit, the air conditioner, and the fact that we usually stopped when the children said they needed to stop.

Here is what I do not understand at all, not one single little tiny bit: why do modern parents supply their vehicles - and thus their children - with all the comforts of home? Why do families need movies, and toys, and a constant supply of snacks, for a road trip? Why do parents nowadays allow their children to dictate when they stop and where? Why don't parents tell their kids to look out the windows, count the cows, play word games, and sing?

My parents talked to us when we were on the road. A lot of modern parents couldn't talk to their kids if they wanted to, because the kids are watching Disney in the back of the minivan.

Modern kids couldn't tell you about the scenery because they never look at it. They demand the same comforts of a vehicle that they demand at home: television, toys, food, drinks, and their own way.

A lot of modern parents would gasp in horror if they heard another parent say "You kids sit still and behave yourselves."

When did it happen that road trips became such a big deal? Tons of toys. Baskets and boxes of juiceboxes and graham crackers and cheese and bottled water. Always with the water. I don't think most people these days have ever been really thirsty because they're never without a bottle of water.

We never had drinks in the car. We drank when we stopped. We knew what it felt like to be genuinely thirsty and we appreciated those rare drinks very much. There were no sticky spills and no crumbs or wrappers in my parents' car.

When we stopped to eat, we parked and went inside. No food or drinks came back outside with us. We ate and drank in the restaurant. And we appreciated it, for we were hungry. After we ate, we weren't hungry and didn't need any snacks or drinks "for the road."

I do not mean that families should travel without air conditioning, or that the occasional drinkbox is going to make the earth stop turning. But I do believe that with many families, it's gotten completely out of hand. With some families, the children are in charge!

We provide so much stimulation via toys and videos and other OUTSIDE sources that our children are never given the chance to learn how to entertain themselves from WITHIN.

It's certainly easier to just hand the kids a graham cracker and the remote to the DVD player installed in the minivan, than to teach your kids to obey you when you tell them to settle down and behave, and to entertain themselves by looking out of the window, or reading a book, or ANYTHING that doesn't entail bothering his/her siblings. If the means of entertaining himself/herself comes WITHOUT a theme song, so much the better.

And if the kids tell you they're thirsty, tell them they can get a drink at the next stop.

What's the matter with people these days? Let your kids get thirsty. Let them get hungry. Don't anticipate EVERYTHING because when you do, they don't appreciate what they get when they get it.

If they cry or scream for food or toys, etc, tell them to look out the window, and count the cows, and see who can be first to find a blue house. You might also practice turning around and saying, "You kids sit still and behave."

And if they don't obey you, you've got a far bigger problem than you might think.

(Cross-posted at Scheiss Weekly)

Posted by Mamacita at 6:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I am often lost in the past. I'm often lost on the freeway, too, but that's another post.

Lost in the past. Mostly, lost in memories of when my children were small and needed me.

I have been extremely fortunate in that neither of my children was frequently ill. They both had migraines which were often severe, and they both had the usual measles and chickenpox. Belle had walking pneumonia a few times but it never got her down. But when it came to the usual list of childhood ailments, such as earaches, vomiting, diarrhea, bad colds, flu, etc, we were really lucky. It just hardly ever happened.

Which meant, of course, that the very few times it DID happen, it was scarier than it would have been for most kids. My kids were not used to it. They still aren't.

When they were sick, I would lie with them on the sofa or bed and rub their hands and arms, and mess with their hair, and run my fingers lightly over their faces. I would sing and hum and breathe deeply and slowly to calm them down. (That breathing thing really works!) And I would love on them all night long.

Last night I was sitting here remembering that. And trying to remember when it all stopped; when did my kids stop needing me to make the bad sickness go away?

And then the phone rang.

My daughter was sick; she was terribly sick, and she called me sobbing to ask me what to do.

So I got into the car and drove up there and brought her back home. I put her in her old bed and got in with her, and rubbed her hands and arms, and messed with her hair, and ran my fingers lightly over her face. I sang and hummed and breathed deeply to calm her down, and I loved on her all night long.

The next morning she was shaky but better. She rode back up to the city with me and I dropped her off at her apartment on my way to the college. She was going to nap a little more and try to go to work by noon.

And now I am sitting here again, lost in the past, but I'm putting a footnote (1) on it.

(1) They will always need us; the old methods will always work; they're never too old to want Momy*; we never forget how to comfort them; and baby, we've still GOT it.

*There's a reason I spell it that way. Stay tuned and you'll find out.

(Parts of this post were published on Scheiss Weekly in March of 2005)

Posted by Mamacita at 2:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

We took our son back to his apartment in his new home town which is not where we live, tonight. Before we dropped him off, though, we fed him. And tonight, I tried to observe him as if I did not know him.

Usually when I'm visiting with my son, I perceive him as the little boy he once was. When we drop him off at his apartment, I'm always amazed that he isn't going back home with us. Tonight, I tried to see him as the adult he actually is now.

I was able to see a VERY tall, very red-headed, very good-looking, very cool, very intelligent, very funny, very grown-up man who held his own in the conversations, ate his own weight in pizza and stromboli sandwiches, and made us all laugh.

But adult? Sorry. All those things in the previous paragraph, plus 'my little boy.'

He'll never escape from my far-seeing eyes; and by 'far-seeing' I mean far-seeing-into-the-past.

Oh, ok. He knows how to pay his bills, cook, manage his time, and wipe his own ass.

But I will always remember when he didn't.

He might be 27 years old, but in my heart he'll never be much older than five.

I remember every detail of his little baby-boy body. I remember all kinds of first-times with him. First step. First tooth. First words. First visit to the emergency room.

I remember all the little rituals. The picture-books at night. The story-books at night. The to-be-continued novels at night. The afternoon nap routine. His first real haircut. All the little things in his room that were sacred to him. First this, first that. To-be-continued this, to-be-continued that. Tomorrow. Tomorrow night. The little rituals that would never change. . . .I remember all of the first times, and I remember all of the continuing times.

What I can't remember are the last times.

When was the last time I ran a soapy washcloth down his tiny back? When was the last time we sat on the fluffy blue rug by his bed and read? When was the last time I took him to the barbershop? When was the last time he sat on Santa's lap at K-Mart? When was the last time I actually saw that little baby-boy body? When?

When did it happen, that he took care of his own body and didn't need me to even check behind his ears? When did he start reading in bed all by himself and not need me to sit on the floor leaning against his bed reading aloud TO him?

When did he start brushing - and FLOSSING - and not need me to check the corners?

Firsts: I remember all of the firsts. The firsts are recorded in a book.

I remember every first time. What I can't remember are the last times.

I can't remember any last times.

Do mothers deliberately erase the last times from their minds? What's the deal?

Perhaps it's because the first times are recorded for all eternity, in our hearts and in little blue baby books.

Whereas the last times come upon us covertly; the last times come, and we never know. So often the last time comes, and we don't know.

This is probably a good thing. Our children grow up so terribly fast, and until a certain age, there are 'first times' for so many things. Those 'firsts' become routine, and we don't even notice when they are done. And then, they are not done any more, and we don't even know it till we force ourselves to think about it. And it's too painful to think about, so we try not to.

Sometimes, we are in such a hurry to get our children to the point where they can do everything for themselves that we forget to think about how very much we love to do these things for them.

Wash them. Brush their hair. Rub lotion all over their beautiful little bodies. Make everything better with a kiss or hug.

And then, before we know it, they're washing themselves. Brushing their own hair. And we haven't seen their bodies since. . . . well, we can't REMEMBER the last time.

If we knew that any gesture, word, deed, or ritual would be the last time, our hearts could not bear it.

That is probably why we don't know.

Posted by Mamacita at 7:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

The preschool enrollment race has begun in my town, and I don't think we are ready. Dawson is three years old and while I know it's time to think about structured playtime and learning opportunities, I'm scared to send my little boy to a classroom for two hours every Tuesday and Thursday.

The school year begins in September, but every education facility is advertising to parents that now is the time to pre-register to reserve a spot for your child to attend their magnificent but definitely over-priced school.

Last year at Dawson's birthday party I mentioned to my husband that maybe Dawson would like to attend St. Bronislava's preschool. We are active members of the parish and I thought it would be a great learning environment for my Doodlebug. He could learn his ABC's as well as the Ten Commandments.

My husband shrugged his shoulders and told me that as long as he wouldn't have to sell any limbs to pay the tuition, all was a go. We promptly forgot about it and stuffed our faces with birthday cake.

Last week a manila envelope appeared in our mailbox filled with information about National Catholic Schools Week. We were invited to tour the St. Bronislava school and learn about the curriculum and activities our son could participate in.

Dawson could learn to read, recite the Lord's Prayer and pray the Rosary. He could make new friends, discover the Bible and be filled with the Grace of God and the Holy Spirit. All of this could be ours for a tuition of $890 plus a $35 non-refundable registration fee.

My Catholic bubble began to burst. Almost a grand for preschool? Are you kidding me?

Sure, they offer tuition assistance and volunteer opportunities to reduce the costs. And yes, payment plans are available. I understand the value of religious education, but I can't believe how expensive it really is.

My husband nearly hit the roof when he discovered the cost. He attended Catholic school for ten years and he has always been skeptical about the price of tuition.

"They want $900 bucks to babysit our kid for two hours, two days a week? Is he gonna learn rocket science?"

"Well, they're not really babysitting, hon. They'll teach him about God and the alphabet, how to count, and maybe some addition."

"Good. Do you think he'll learn to add up to $890 dollars?"

Continue reading "Preschool Selection 2008" »

Posted by Dana at 9:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (15) | TrackBacks (0)

How could I not cover the panel on the state of the Momosphere? Of course I will recap. The panelists were an amazing group of women that I deeply respect. Chris Jordan, Catherine Conners and Lena Lotsey with moderator Jory Des Jardins. (We deeply missed Mommy & Family's own editor Nordette, but she was in our thoughts.) It was a standing room only crowd. (Go, Momosphere!)

The discussion came up that at times the momosphere can seem like high school and seem political in nature. Allison of Lemonade Life live-blogged the session. In her coverage she noted this part of the conversation:

For the first part of the conversation, the panelists (Catherine Connors, Lena Lotsey and Chris Jordan) discussed relationships between the newbies and the veteran mommybloggers and the mommybloggers with babies and the mommybloggers with elementary-age and older children. They discussed whether the momosphere was political, and Catherine argued that while it might seem political - or like high school which was the recurring analogy - that the momosphere (and I think the O.C. as well) is more like a party or a salon.

“You make friends, you move, there are bigger groups, they shift and change. But that’s not political, that’s social,” Catherine explained.

Very good points. I think a deeper discussion about what does happen when a mom who has been blogging about her young children grows out of that phase. There are a lot of us out there and we enjoy the social atmosphere and the camaraderie as much as the mothers of young children. We just are facing different issues. There is definitely room for all of us. In my opinion we just need to get the parenting sites to realize that our children do grow up beyond the age of six. They really do!

And what about blogrolls?

Chris Jordan posed the question, “How do you manage a blogroll? How do you do it withoutmaking anyone feel left out?”

There was a bit of discussion on that and when asked who actually dropped their blogrolls, many hands went up. Are blogrolls on their way out and linking within your entries to other bloggers the new way to go? I would love to hear what you think.

Robyn on Silicon Valley Moms Blog wrote about the issue of the commercialization of the momosphere.

There was a civil discussion about the commercialization of the momosphere. Women that spoke about not allowing for a monetization of blogging. Reasons varied from protecting children to it as hobby to trying ads and then removing them later. Opposing agurments were that monetization that it brought validity to her blog. Another stated that she shouldn't be ashamed to receive money from her blog just because she writes about motherhood. The feminist in me totally agrees. We shouldn't be shamed into accepting ads and we shouldn't be shamed from choosing to not have them. Just as our content is personal, this is a personal choice too.

I loved the final sentence there. Just as our content is personal, this is a personal choice too. Have ads. Don't have ads. You have to do what works for you without guilt or feeling like you are corrupting what you are doing. It is personal. I couldn't agree more!

Finally, in a discussion I want to see go well beyond this session and straight to the ears/eyes of marketers:

How can corporate marketers do a better job in marketing to the momosphere? Why are they eliminating moms of color? Where is the diversity?

This issue must be discussed. And discussed. And discussed until it is no longer and issue.

As for the initial topic: The State of the Momosphere: I think this panel did an excellent job of telling where they felt it was and letting the audience tell where they felt it was now and where it may or should go.

Here are a few links I have found of people who either live-blogged it or wrote about it:
Miss Priss.org
Silicon Valley Moms Blog
Lemonade Life

---
Cross posted on BlogHer
---
~Jenn is off to try to figure out the state of her momosphere here at home.~

---

You can find more of my writing at Mommy Needs Coffee, Mommybloggers and Work It, Mom!

Posted by Jenn Satterwhite at 12:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

(This is part V in a series on starting a mom blog. Cross posted on BlogHer.)

Your blog is ready to go. You have your platform. You've named it. You have decided how much personal information to include and what you want to do about pictures. Good job. The basics are done. Now, the hard part starts. Your blog--ANY blog-- is nothing without good content. You knew I was going to get to it eventually. We have to talk about content. Political blogs will mention politics. Food bloggers will talk about food. Mom bloggers will inevitably talk about their children. Let's face it: they are a never-ending source of entertainment. However, before you type one word about them, you should decide what is yours to share and what is theirs to keep private.

This to me if the most essential decision you can make as a blogger. Once your words are out, they are out. A few years back a journalist made a snide comment about how your children's future prom dates will Google them and read every embarrassing story ever written about them.

And?

My dates didn't have Google. They had my Mom. She had enough stories and pictures to keep me humiliated for life. (The only way to hold her off was to marry my high school sweetheart and never have to worry about it again.) My point is that, yes, your words are out there. And, yes, you have a great potential of embarrassing your children. But it is not just about the things that may make them blush. It is about things that they want to remain private--just between them and their mom. It is about respect. Only you and your children can decide where this line is drawn.

A great example of a mom blogger being called out by her teen is Grace Davis. One day while discussing what her daughter could expect in terms of going to BlogHer last year, her daughter said something that halted Grace and completely altered her way of thinking when it came to blogging about her daughter. (Read the whole entry. It is a great lesson in mom blogging and communication.)

Your blog is really funny, Mom. But, you make me and my friends look stupid."

Stupid. I was devastated. I hastily run through blog entries in my mind. Did this make Moll and her friends appear stupid? Or was it this, or this ? Did this offend her?

What do you do once your child is old enough to read what you are writing about them and their lives? They will have an opinion and it won't always be that they adore your every word. You have now jumped into a new world. The world where your children want to have a say in their own privacy.

Grace handled it with the class she handles everything. She gave her daughter the ultimate position for a child of a mom blogger.

I won't take down the posts, but I will take on Molly as the Official State of Grace Editor for Adolescent Affairs. I'll be showing her any blog entries related to her prior to publishing.

But that is not the only way to go when it comes to mom blogging. It is your space to talk about what you feel impacts you and your life. Being a mom, that will include discussing your children. And our children are not always the brightest ray of light in our lives at all times. Sometimes they are difficult and frustrating and downright crazy-making. Bloggers are writers. Writers write. Mothers vent. It is only natural that you will have a tendency to want to vent about those little people that effect so many (if not all) aspects of your life.

Continue reading "Content and your child's right to privacy" »

Posted by Jenn Satterwhite at 6:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (11) | TrackBacks (0)

Originally the topic of this part of the series was going to just focus on posting images on your mom blog. I was going to cover just the basics of "do you" or "don't you" include pictures, but from the comments I have received, I feel it is important to cover the "why's" and "why not's" of posting images of your children and/or your family. It is not just a matter of who sees your pictures. You should also think about how to protect your images as well.

One of the most common questions after whether or not to use real names is whether or not to post images of your children. As with every other aspect of your blog, this is going to have to fall into doing what you feel works best for you and your family. However, there are some issues I will bring up that you should think about. First, when your school (if you have school age children) ask if you give permission for them to use your child's image or likeness for publicity or promotion, do you think about it before agreeing? They may use your child's photo on a website, newspaper or national publication. Yes, blogging is an entirely different game, but you have to remember that your child is not living in a bubble. There are many bloggers who choose to completely leave images of their family off of their blog. Karen of the blog A Deaf Mom Shares Her World chooses to limit images by using back shots or far way images. It is where her current comfort level lies. Then we have bloggers like Liz of This Full House has no hesitation in posting family pictures.

Something important to remember about posting images is that whether or not to post is not just an issue of security. As more than one mom blogger found out the hard way, some people will take images of your children off of your site to use in ways that can be offensive, inappropriate or just in ways that they are not intended to be used. Tracey of Sweetney went through this and let me tell you, it was a hellish experience for her and her family. Hellish because she felt violated by having someone use images of her child on another site without her permission or approval.

Continue reading "Picture this!-- Part IV of the mom blog series" »

Posted by Jenn Satterwhite at 1:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Last week as I sat with my husband Clint at my younger son's 5th grade graduation, I thought back to the road that got us here and how sometimes that road comes full circle in ways you wouldn't imagine.

My mind wandered back twenty years to that day when I attended another graduation celebration. I was hesitant to go because I was having issues with my friend who was graduating, but was talked into attending in the name of friendship. "Besides", my buddies who were taking me said, "you might surprise yourself and have a good time!" Across town from the celebration another group of friends piled into a car and headed towards the graduation fun.

As the party got started, I began to relax and was glad I came. It meant a lot to my friend and I was having fun. I only knew a handful of people there, but they were all fun. As the day wore on, a game of volleyball broke out. (Yes, I realize that makes it sound like 'a fight broke out' but, seriously, don't mess with me when it comes to volleyball. I will spike you.) A guy I had yet to meet was taking his turn serving. I have never seen a serve hit so high into the air. Ever. From the time he served until it actually came back down into any general location that it would be reachable by a human to return it, I could have had time to walk off the court, make a sandwich, eat it, wash it down with a Diet Coke and return to spike the ball. Serious hang time. Seeing as I have never been one to resist a good teasing, I completely started in on the HIGHEST SERVE EVER teasing. Grabbed a chair and everything. (Can you believe I could be such a smart alec?)

That guy realized he met his match and teased right back. He never knew what he was getting himself into.

That was the day I met my husband. The guy behind the HIGHEST SERVE EVER.

Twenty years later we sat holding hands watching our youngest son at his 5th grade graduation. Our eyes met and we smiled over our shared memory of that day two decades prior. We could not have imagined then that we would be sitting in an overcrowded middle school cafeteria/make-shift auditorium watching our child celebrate a graduation experience of his own.

Twenty years ago I met my husband.

Eleven years ago I gave birth to my son.

Today we came full circle--together-- from one graduation to another.

Continue reading "20 years ago. 11 years ago. Today." »

Posted by Jenn Satterwhite at 11:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Change. Could there possibly be a better word to sum up your life when you become a parent? Perhaps chaotic? Unpredictable? Insane? Tired? Okay, there are many words that can sum up your life when you become a parent. All of them, however, fall under that broad umbrella of change.

Once upon a time there was a man and wife who slept late on Saturdays. They went on road trips with barely a moments notice. While scanning the paper, if they saw a movie they wanted to see that started in 20 minutes, they could pick up and be there before the previews began. That was the life of a couple without children. Small hip apartment that had breakable items that you didn’t have to step on tiptoes to see. A home that had televisions without fingerprints, walls without crayon marks, and carpets without juice stains.

Then came The Big Change. Certainly, among family we refer to The Change as Being Blessed with a Child. But don’t let that kind title fool you. The Big Change took a couple who was confident in who they were and shook their lives up like a snotty nosed kid frantically shaking a snow-globe he picked up from the half-off bin in WalMart. Except the “soft billowy snow” in the snow globe was in fact the neat little pieces of our lives that we had control over.

For a woman who loves sleep (and I mean LOVES sleep more than coffee and chocolate and even chocolate coffee), suddenly having a tiny person disrupting every aspect of sleep was unsettling. Going from a woman who believed that the only way one could survive waking up in the morning was if it was a gentle and slow waking up process to becoming a woman who now awoke to the blood curling chilling screams from a person that weighed less than a Thanksgiving turkey was as unsettling as it came. Change.

Before The Big Change, I was a woman who loved to spend time getting ready in the morning. I don’t mean that I insisted on having the perfect hair and make-up before going anywhere. I simply loved the process of getting ready. The long hot shower. The body lotion. The facial moisturizer. It was an entire process that was both feminine and luxurious. After The Big Change, I felt blessed if I took a shower at all. The days I did manage a shower, it was usually done so fast I barely had time to get wet. Gone were the days of luxurious primping. The days of “I can wear this. The spit up doesn’t show” have arrived.

I was never a woman who strived to have a home that was showcased in Architectural Digest, but I did enjoy having an orderly home. Orderly? The Big Change took everything orderly and tossed it out of my now fingerprinted window. How could a person who couldn’t even walk have so many toys and accessories? How is it possible that this person without the use of language could let me know that it was imperative that he have the latest gadget to soothe, calm and entertain him? I mean, seriously, I didn’t have this many toys for myself and I was the one making the money buy them! There was nothing that even resembled orderly in my life after The Big Change.

Before The Big Change my husband and I loved each other more than we could ever imagine. We had happiness. We sought out interesting and eclectic forms of entertainment. We shared laughter all the time. We had everything we thought we needed. Then came The Big Change. In the moment of his birth, we learned how to love more than we ever imagined possible. We learned a love that was unlike anything we had ever known. We watched that love grow not only for each other, but for our new life after The Big Change. We began to find happiness in the simplest things. Things that we used to overlook or ignore suddenly made us practically giddy with joy. For entertainment we found that we could just stare at this new little person in our life for hours. His tiny toes, his button nose, and his adorable little fingers could keep us enthralled for hours. Laughter? The first time we heard our little one laugh, you would have thought we were privy to a private concert with a top name comedian. We clapped. We laughed. We did everything we could think of to get him to do it again. We realized that now we truly did have everything we would ever need.

It took The Big Change to shake things up. It was The Big Change that made me realize that although the fear and uncertainty that came when our lives were shaken up like that cheap snow globe, it was also The Big Change that gave me the strength, courage and passion for life that I could never have imagined before.

And the beauty of it all is that The Big Change is never ending. Once we reach a milestone in the life of parenting, we are immediately thrust into a new and different Big Change. So, you see, I cannot really tell you how I adapted to a Big Change in my life. At least not yet. You see, with The Big Change, we are adapting daily.

Change? Seriously, it is the perfect synonym for parenting!

Posted by Jenn Satterwhite at 4:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Mommybloggers.com is thrilled to introduce a new feature of our site today. We're known for featuring outstanding individual bloggers, which we adore. Yet, there is a whole community of wonderful collaborative sites written by and for blogging parents that deserve kudos. We're kicking off our first collaborative blogging feature with the Silicon Valley Moms Blog.

Just over a year old, SV Moms Blog has already built an impressive readership and reputation as a go-to source for families in the Silicon Valley area. With over 40 fantastic contributors on board, founders Jill Asher, Tekla Nee, Pamela Miller-Hornik and Beth Blecherman have created an amazing site that has received enthusiastic press and attention, from the very first month.

We asked some of their many contributors to share why they love writing for SV Moms:

Thida, blogger at SVM and Water Owl's Movements finds it a safe haven:

I like blogging for Silicon Valley Moms Blog, because I feel any topic I want to blog about is okay. I can blog about American Idol, or my son's tumor. And yeah American Idol relates to my kids because my son is a big fan of Melinda. ;)

It also feels safe and nice to blog there. People read my posts and respond appropriately. Not always agreement but definitely on topic. I've been blogging for over five years. After my son was born and so sick, I had to stop blogging on Blogspot for months, because every time I'd post about my son's feeding issues, I'd get comment spam about dieting. So painful when your child is on a feeding tube.

Also if things get busy or rough and I stop writing posts, after a while, I get these sweet little email nudges from Jill. :) Are you still with us? Yes!

Stephanie fo Adventures In Babywearing, a new SVM contributor and soon to be Chicago Moms blog writer.

Everyone at SVM has been so welcoming and encouraging to us new soon-to-be Chicago Moms bloggers. We are excited to be part of the sister blog to SVMs.

Katie Roper loves the ease of participation:

Jill, Beth, Tekla, and Pamela make it so easy to contribute! They are a joy to work with - giving us just the right amount of both prodding and encouragement. I had always wondered about Blogging, and I'm so glad now I can do it, in a way that fits into my working & parenting schedule.

Jen at One Plus Two likes the local aspect:

I enjoy participating in the SVMoms blog because it offers a local perspective, well balanced in humor and honesty, reflecting personal challenges and rewards to parenting and living in the Silicon Valley. The diversity of voices makes it clear we are all not cut from the same cloth, but it's the fabric that binds us together as we all raise our kids in our community.

Glennia Campbell of The Silent I and Kimchi Mamas is NOT a sucker:

When Jill and Pamela asked if I wanted to write for the SV Moms Blog, I had no idea exactly what that meant, or how a collaborative blog worked. If you haven't had the pleasure of meeting them, just let me say that it is impossible to "just say no" to either one of them and when they team up, they are an unstoppable force of nature.
Ultimately, I guess you could say that I succumbed to peer pressure Next thing you know, the two of them will be egging me on to try Twitter or Facebook some other Web 2.0 crack. I am such a sucker.

I think the appeal of the blog is that we try to show our commonality as women and mothers, as people who think and dream and create. There are times when the blog is controversial and other times when we hit on truths that transcend our differences. There are stories that you can relate to and some things you just can't imagine. To paraphrase Forrest Gump, "[The Silicon Valley Moms Blog] is like a box of chocolates. You just never know what your gonna get." It's been a privilege to be a part of this group.

"I'm so happy to have had the opportunity to blog with SV Moms. It's not only given me something to do with all my free time as a working mommy, I can now fill my days reading other blogs as well. Actually, I am unbelievably impressed with how quickly this has taken off, thanks to the skills of Jill, Pam, Tekla and Beth, and I feel lucky to be part of all these hot mommy bloggers."

Check back with us this afternoon, as we sit down with the founders for a little Q&A! You won't want to miss this one!

Posted by Jenny Lauck at 11:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Sleep. In our house it is something to be treasured. Something to be fought for. Something that you would move heaven and earth for just a little bit more of. Oh sure, I am not completely sleep deprived like say a friend with a newborn is, but I am tired. I mean, at least women with newborns have a good reason for it. They have little adorable babies. Nevertheless, their sleep deprivation makes mine look completely insignificant. I admit that much. However, I am so tired it makes me crazy.

The last time I got a good (and I really mean good) night's sleep was back in 1992. I wasn't pregnant and had no children. We all know that pregnancy sleeping isn't real sleeping. If you aren't awakened by having to pee every other hour, then your belly is in the way or your heartburn keeps you awake. You pray for the day that baby is out because you just want to lie on your stomach and sleep. Get real! You will never sleep again!

After your children are born, forget sleep. I mean it. Forget sleep like you have ever known it before. You will never, ever sleep like that again. Oh sure, the babies grow up and start sleeping through the night. You think "Aha! I have it made." Sure, in comparison you do. Compared to the newborn phase, yes, you will "sleep". However, the days of just closing your eyes and falling flat out into deep, coma-like, slobber-sleeping are over. You've just moved up the sleep ladder a rung to "sleeping with children in the house". You will forever have a subconscious ear listening for children to cry out, puke or begin wandering around a dark house. Even though you appear to be sleeping, you are not completely sleeping.

"But what about when the kids are older and sleep away from the house?" Don't bother dreaming. Even when that happens you are stuck with one of two scenarios: Either they have siblings thus eliminating the "child-free" home or you have that ear listening for the phone to ring in the middle of the night "just in case".

So you can see why I am tired. I haven't had a good night's sleep since 1992. That is a helluva long time to be tired.

Which is why sleeping in, naps and going to bed early are things that we will fight for. We use it as a bargaining tool.

"If I let you sleep in today, then tomorrow you have to get up and deal with the kids."

or

"I am going to take a nap now. Yes, I know you have to go work, but you did sleep in an hour and a half later than I did, so added up over the past 3 days, I am entitled to 4 1/2 hours of sleep. I have it banked. I am cashing in 3 of them."

Then of course there is the favorite:

"Well, okay, I'll do that, but I am going to note the time I lost in sleep and tack it on to tomorrow morning and you have to get up when the alarm goes off."

You'd think we were talking about money or something. But no. Anyone can get money. People with kids know that sleep is a rare, rare thing.

Posted by Jenn Satterwhite at 10:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

This past weekend I began to notice the tell tale signs that my 5-year old daughter might have a bladder infection. So, I did what any net savvy Mom would do. I logged onto the Internet and began to search her symptoms, causes and a possible diagnosis. It took about 30 minutes before I was completely freaked out. By 7:00am Monday morning I was emailing other Moms asking for advice about everything from what kind of doctor to call to their own personal experiences. What I needed was not several random sites to freak me out, but one central place I could go to get advice, talk to other Moms who may have advice or talk to a nurse before trying to decide what to do.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was honored to be one of the women on a call with Steve Case. (You know Steve Case? The co-founder of AOL, who led the charge to make the Internet an essential part of everyday life. Yes, that Steve Case!) The call was set up by the amazing and always supportive Cynthia. She arranged this call with Steve for me and a few other Moms. ( Sarah from Sarah and the Goon Squad, Kelly of Mocha Mama, and Jenny of Three Kid Circus-- and of course here!. Sadly, we missed our good friends and fellow Mommy bloggers Mary Tsao and Grace Davis who were supposed to be on the call but had schedule conflicts. They would have added even more to this amazing phone call.)

So how do these things tie in? Yesterday Steve launched RevolutionHealth.com™ which is a free online service which will help families take action to manage their health care and achieve their healthy living goals. In addition Revolution Health™ membership gives members "access to premium health services now only enjoyed by a few." You can read all about it in the press release here.

Continue reading "Steve Case launches Revolution Health just in time for this mommyblogger" »

Posted by Jenn Satterwhite at 11:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Here at Mommybloggers we know what we have coming up for 2007. We know what our plans are for the upcoming year. (Well, as much as we can know and plan for. You know how it goes!) And this past year, well...let's be honest, it had some rather hellacious moments for many of us. I for one am happy to see 2006 to get the heck outta dodge. Bring on 2007.

But this isn't just about our plans. It's about yours.

We want to hear about your New Year's Resolutions/Plans/Hopes/Dreams for this new year.

What are you planning? Are they the same as last year? How far have you come this year?

Today (New Year's Eve) is a time for many to look back and reflect on where you have been and then look ahead to what they want to accomplish. Share those things with us. Who knows? We may have a pop quiz, put you on the spot and ask you later if you stuck to it. (Ohhhhh! Pop quizzes!)

On behalf of Jenny, Meghan and myself, we all want to wish you the happiest of New Years. A year where you are blessed. A time where your dreams come true. And of course, a year that brings you health and happiness beyond measure. We love you, people!

Continue reading "New Calendar! New goals! Share with us!" »

Posted by Jenn Satterwhite at 2:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (10) | TrackBacks (0)

This is Tanner. He is the nephew of one of our featured mommy bloggers, Catherine of Her Bad Mother. And he has Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy. What exactly is Duchenne's MD? Well, in short it boils down to the fact that all muscle tissue eventually dies and is replaced by connective tissue, which means that he will need assistance with mobility, then with respiration, and eventually his heart will no longer be able to function. Life expectancy is thirties at best.

Let that sink in a minute.

It breaks your heart, doesn't it? Well, you can help. You are not helpless when you hear about this boy. There are two ways you can help. And we ask from the bottom of our heart that you choose to help in one way or another.

First, you can go to Her Bad Auction. Here is an explanation of the auction and how you can participate. (FYI, Mommybloggers has something to bid on. You know you want a piece of us!) All proceeds will go to MD Canada.*

This is a series of raffles in order to raise money for Muscular Dystrophy Research. You pick which item(s) you want to win and we'll draw one winner at random for each item. The more tickets you buy (by sending a secure payment via paypal) the more chances you have to win. Place as many tickets as you wish to purchase on as many items (or just one or a few for a better chance at winning) as you'd like to win.

But there is another way that you can also get your kids involved. There is a letter writing campaign that will mean the world to Tanner. What child doesn't love to get mail? Especially a child who feels so isolated and different from his peers. Here is how you and your children can make this time of year extra special for Tanner.

This year, while your children are writing their letters to Santa, have them write a letter or draw a picture for Tanner, too. They can tell Tanner a little bit about themselves, like what grade they’re in or what their favourite subjects are in school. They can tell him about their favourite cartoons and movies or share with him a funny joke – they could even pick out a sheet or two of stickers to send along. This holiday season, let’s show our kids that while the best part of Christmas may be ripping open the carefully wrapped presents from under the tree, putting a smile on a little boy’s face is pretty special, too.

You can send letters to:

Letters for Tanner

1518 Queen Street West

Toronto, ON

M6R 1A4

Canada

…and when you do, know you are making one little boy’s world a little brighter.

We certainly love having fun here and being silly. Rarely do we ask you anything of you. Today we are asking for your help for this little boy. Anyone of us can write a letter. Would you please help Tanner? If our plea doesn't do it, maybe the words of Tanner's mother will. She emailed Catherine after seeing the auction site. This is a portion of the email.

I am blown away… it brings me to my knees in gratitude that this kind of kindness exists - for Tanner's sake. He is one hell of a little kid... ...

I cherish this little boy and every moment he is on this earth and I know you do too. Try not to be sad, but to watch him in wonder and learn from him too. We take a lot of things for granted in this day and age; to see and feel what Tanner and other children or people like him have to face is quite humbling, but that is good, the world needs it.

WE can forget how to love and cherish. All you have to do is look at Tanner or other children who are sick and open your heart, and not forget.

I would love for you to send a big heartfelt THANK YOU to your blogging buddies.
Love,

Continue reading "Show your love" »

Posted by Jenn Satterwhite at 5:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

I’m not always a good sleeper. Actually, I am a great sleeper when I can actually get to sleep. It is the getting there that I struggle with the most. More nights than I care to recall have been spent watching the clock. Minutes slowly changing into hours until I am convinced my clock must be broken for time to be moving so slowly. Surely, sixty seconds cannot last that long.

So I lay there and toss and turn unable to get comfortable. I kick off the covers for about five minutes until my feet get cold then I pull them back up and try to snuggle into them only to repeat the process moments later.

Tonight as I tossed and turned and kicked at the covers and sighed at the obviously broken clock, I realized I probably couldn’t sleep because I was so overdressed. I had not taken off my many outfits from the day. You know the ones we as women wear that overlap in so many layers that we become a fashion “Don’t.” One outfit on top of the other which layers on top of even more because in one day we need each ot them all at one time or another. Therefore, we have to wear each of them. Sometimes at the same time. Every day.

The play clothes of the mommy that have a smell somewhere between Play Dough and spit-up. The outfit that most certainly has finger paint stains left behind from the loving hands of one of our children.

The business suit we don complete with strangling pantyhose and high heeled shoes that are meant to merely torture us. The uniform we wear when we must dress for success to be seen as the competent and confident business women we must become from nine to five.

The outfit of the friend who hangs out with you and laughs with you over a cup of coffee or just shares the latest news in her life. Those comfortable sweats we throw on that say “I am here for you, so be free to be yourself.” . This outfit says it is okay to cry on my shoulder or laugh until we wet our pants.

And we shouldn’t forget the professional yet reassuring outfit of the local psychologist that we play to our family, friends and that woman in the grocery store who actually thought about buying the gossip magazine that claims Aliens have Elvis living among them.

Then there is the lingerie for the sex kitten we once remember being for our spouses so long ago. Sometimes-- to be perfectly honest with you-- that “outfit” doesn’t come out of the back of the dresser drawer for days or even weeks at a time. That is just as well, though. Naked serves the same purpose and is more comfortable.

Oh, and of course we must not forget the casual Capri’s and button down shirt that says “Put together Mom who volunteers at the school and could not possible make a mistake in the raising of her children.” (Complete with sensible, yet fashionable shoes.)

Then –much to my exhaustion-- there is the maid uniform. It’s nothing sexy or worth fantasizing about. It smells like bleach and pine. It has many pockets usually stuffed with cleaning supplies or a stray Lego or Matchbox car. It is the ugliest outfit of them all, but the one we put on every day more times than I want to count.

Continue reading "Too many outfits, not enough sleep" »

Posted by Jenn Satterwhite at 7:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

Have you ever heard or read something and thought, "I wish I had said that! That is so what I have been trying to say!"? I have recently been reading...actually devouring... Arianna Huffington's book On Becoming Fearless. In one of the first chapters she quotes actress Rosanna Arquette in what I think is one of the most brilliant statements I have read in a while. After reaching out to other during the process of producing a film called Searching for Debra Winger, she states (and here is where it gets good):

"It set me on my path to stay positive...to connect with other women, my tribe. We have to cut out competition, because we are all on the same path of fearlessness, to be truly who we are, and this is our birthright! It's time we support and love each other in what we want to do in life so we can look at each other and know we are safe. Let's celebrate each other's individuality, blessings--and cellulite."

Yes! Exactly! Now, in the book she was being quoted in a chapter on Fear About the Body, but is that not exactly what we all would love to happen. Especially with people shoving the Mommy Wars down our throat?

Continue reading "Ladies, welcome to your tribe" »

Posted by Jenn Satterwhite at 12:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I cannot even begin to tell you about the amazing things that blogging has brought my way. Friends. Life lessons. Support. Encouragement. Jobs. Agents. Old college roommates. The list goes on and on. The doors that have been opened to me by being a mommy blogger have astounded me. I have been given opportunities that I never would have dreamed of a few years ago. One of the greatest doors that has been opened is this site and the women I have met through it.

Mommybloggers.com has been so blessed to have been able to interview many amazing women. Each of them with stories to tell. Each of them sharing some things in common, yet enough variation that we all learn from each other. The time may never come when we all meet face to face and drink coffee as we share our stories of motherhood. But through this site, in a way, we have been able to do just that through the cyber world.

If you are new to the site, I recommend you read through our guests and their interviews and essays. They each have had amazing things to say. Each of them inspirational, encouraging and beautiful.

Here are just a few of the faces of mommybloggers. We are diverse. We are powerful. And we are a community that can give not only to each other, but to the world.

Posted by Jenn Satterwhite at 9:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (11) | TrackBacks (0)

Today is the first day I have had all 3 of my children in school. All. Day. For 14 years, I have been a stay at home mom. There has always been a child home with me. Today, they are all in school. From kindergarten to 7th grade. I managed drop off rather well. Until I got to the car. Then I began to sob. In all the brilliance of a teen, my son looked at me and said, "You are just crying because now you have to work all day." (Wonder where he got that smartass attitude?)

So now, I suppose my "official" title is a work at home mom. Does that label matter? Well, yes. And no. Can you tell I am having a bit of an identity crisis? I am a writer. I have a book. I have online sites that I am getting paid for. That is now my job. A work at home mom.

Can I just tell you how uncomfortable that title change makes me feel. How do you go from a job you have had for 14 years to one that signifies so many other things? You know that people will ask, "What do you do?"

I stammer and stumble and mumble something like, "Oh, I write online and stuff." Which usually gets the response, "And you get paid to do that? That is a job?" Well, yes.

How long does it take to "fit" into that new title? How long will it be before I can answer without sounding apologetic or defensive that I am indeed a WORK at home mom? Have I graduated to the "big girl" league of working women? Or have I lost the one job I have always loved and been good at?

Demoted or promoted?

Continue reading "Have I been demoted or promoted?" »

Posted by Jenn Satterwhite at 10:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (9) | TrackBacks (0)

The hardest part of motherhood for me--excluding the physical toll on my body-- is the emotional weight being a parent carries with it. Whenever my kids hurt, I hurt. Suddenly, my heart needs to have the capacity to hurt and rejoice for not only my own life, but for the lives of each of my children. As much as I have tried to tell myself that they have to live their own lives and own their own hurts, I can't help but hurt with them when something goes wrong. By the same token, I also have the ability to love in capacities I never knew existed before having children. With each child I wondered how I could ever love another child as much as the next. Then when child number two was born I realized the ability for my heart to love expanded beyond anything I had known. After 5 years of just having two children, I knew that my heart could not possibly be able to expand even more to fully love a third child. Yet, my heart fooled me and expanded to fill with unlimited amounts of devotion and love once again.

But the hardest part of motherhood for me has been knowing when to let my children own their own hurt and when to try to protect them. I learned this lesson the hard way. It was a complete trial by fire when my own Mom became sick and then later passed away. I wanted to do everything to keep them from the intense pain of that loss. I didn't want their safe world to no longer feel safe. But honesty had to win out. And then, though my heart was broken, I found a way to take on as much as their pain as I could. I reassured as much as I could. I gave them as much comfort as I had within me. And it was hard. I was empty and yet I had to find a way to give support and love and comfort to my children.

We got through it. In the 6 months since my mother passed away, we have found ourselves in a new groove and it is working.

And then another phone call came that again has rocked our world.

And I am torn. Torn between being totally upfront. Torn between half truths or full disclosure. Torn between letting them in on scary realities or soft spoken reassurances. Again, my heart has to find a new way around possbile life changing events. Frankly, I don't know how to do it. I immediately called one of my closest friends and did the initial freaking out. I cried, "I just got my feet back on solid ground only to find out it might be ice!"

What do you do as the emotional support to so many when you feel your own stability slipping from your grip? I don't really have the answer, but I can say that I am holding on tight and praying that I know what to say, what to do and how to handle it in the best possible way.

The hardest part of becoming a mother for me has been the emotional part that is required and that we are blessed with as parents. A heart meant for one that has become a heart that feels for four. It has been the most challenging yet rewarding parts of motherhood. And yet, I still struggle with it. Daily. Especially when I feel the ground beneath me rumble once again.

What about you? What has been the hardest part of motherhood for you?

Posted by Jenn Satterwhite at 6:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (8) | TrackBacks (0)

When first meeting someone, what is the first thing they say to you? (Unless of course your fly is undone or you have a trail of toilet paper stuck to your shoe!) Usually they say something along the lines of "Tell me about yourself."

Quick. Don't think. Answer that. Tell me who you are.

I could answer that in my sleep. Me? Oh, I am a wife of 16 years to Clint and have been a homemaker and stay-at-home to my three kids for 13 years.

Bam! Four labels in one sentence. And I am the one who answered.

1) Wife
2) Homemaker
3) Mom
4) Stay at home mom (non-career woman)

What do you know about me that you wouldn't know about a thousand other women? Nothing. Now what if I said, "Tell me about yourself and don't use labels but descriptive words."

I could answer: "I am a passionate person who throws herself into things she believes in and can be a bit obsessive about it, but that comes with the passion! I love being a writer and being with my children and husband."

Have you learned more about me? Do you feel you know me better? And no labels!

This time you learned I am:

1) A writer
2) A wife
3) A mom
4) Passionate
5) Can be obsessive
6) Happy with my family

Which answer do you prefer? Which type of answer would you prefer people give to you when you ask to tell you about themselves? What happens when our "labels" change and we find it awkward to use them to describe ourselves? Should it really be that hard to describe ourselves to others?

Take for instance my initial answer. I am technically a work at home mother. If you add up the total time I spend on the blogs I am paid to write and the total time I spend on the other blogs that are also bringing in an income, plus other writing gigs I have that are paid, they all average out to be about five 8-hour days a week. That is a full time job. At home. So, technically, I am a woman who works full time at home. I am also a mom who is at home with her 3 children. Hmmm, stay at home mom? Work at home mom? Oh the horror of not knowing the CORRECT LABEL!

I for one would love to meet people and have them tell me WHO they are not the LABEL that has been slapped on their forehead by either others or themselves. So tell me. Tell me here or tell me on you blog and link back to this post so that we can REALLY meet you.

Because honestly, I want to get to know you. Not a label maker.

Posted by Jenn Satterwhite at 9:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (12) | TrackBacks (0)

I've learned a lot about motherhood in the past year. It seems as if I have mothering from prior to when my Mom got sick and mothering after. Trust me on this one. It changed. It had to. My eyes were opened to so many things that-- like it or not-- I cannot protect, fix or change for my children. Big things happen in their lives that as their mother, I am helpless to shield them from. Life changing things.

You see your family going down a road. You think you know where it is going. Everything fits as it should and everyone has their niche. I will admit, while we were no Leave it to Beaver family, we had a good groove going. Then the unthinkable happened.

Mom got sick. So sick that suddenly I became torn between the intense and primal need to be with my Mom and the instinctual need to take care of my children. As my mother became sicker, the need to be with her began to over shadow my instincts to protect my children. To be there for every little thing. Sadly, I must admit, I was not much of a mother to them in the 6 months that my mother was in such critical condition. I knew more about the lives and the comings and goings of her ICU nurses than I did my own children. Those times I made it back to my own home, I was confused as to the simpliest things such as "what exactly are our local radio stations and tv channels?" Everything was upside down and inside out. Home was now where ever my Mom was. The house was where my kids and husband were. And trust me, there were many times I would wake up so very confused as to where I was that morning.

That to say, I wasn't the most attentive of mothers. Things slipped by me unnoticed. My children suffered in ways I never saw. School events that would have seen me there every time came and went without my being there. Whether I was in Houston with Mom or at home trying to sleep or catch up on life, I just wasn't where I would have normally been. Involved with my children.

The last day of school I clung to my younger son's teacher and wept. I thanked her. Surely I never would have been able to make it through the year without her help.

When Mom died, a part of me did as well. I was in a fog. Lost. Unable to figure out who I was. Being a mother felt so hard and so time consuming and so HARD! I didn't have the desire to be the Mom. All I wanted was to be the kid again. With my own Mom still alive. Needless to say, there has not been anyone knocking on my door offering me my Mother Of The Year Award.

And slowly, I am learning to forgive myself.

In the last couple of weeks I finally saw through my fog and was able to see the wreckage that was all around me. And I realized that now is not the time for super mom. Now is not the time to feel guilty for the time I had not spent with my kids. Now was certainly not the time to wonder where I could've made things better for them. Now is the time to let go of trying to be the perfect parent and just hold on as tight as I can to be the good-enough Mom. Being an available Mom.

I am starting to see the effects the past year has had on my children. One of them is having super intense anxiety issues. Intense as in life threatening. One is acting out with an attitude that makes Simon Cowell on a bad day look like Mary Poppins at her sugary best. An attitude that I know is covering up pain and insecurity. And finally, one who is regressing and wants no one but her mommy all day, every day.

I see irrational fears. I see acting out for attention. I have seen the worst that stress and anguish can do to a person. And I have seen it in my babies. That hurts. Knowing that perhaps I might've made things different is a question I am forced to push aside on a daily basis as it taunts me.

We are picking up the pieces. We are out of school and praying for a summer that is relaxing and one that can heal us. I am doing all I can to be the Mom they have missed the passed year while still trying to heal myself. But I have learned. Oh, how I have learned.

1- You cannot shield your children from the harshest realities of life. One day, d